Friday 31 December 2010

2010 was a year of . . .

New Year is coming, or maybe has come at the time you are reading this. 2011, I don't know what it's gonna be like, but I 've known what 2010 has become for me. Many things to reflect on for the year 2010 I've passed. I suppose that we can see some of my journey in 2010 from this blog. Well, I started to blog in 2010, after all.

2010 was started with a lot of wishes about varsity life. I wished to be accepted in Faculty of Medicine in UI, I wished to be able to get high marks in my National Exams, I wished that I could always stay together or at least keep in touch with my best friends, I wished we could have fun together forever as usual, I wished life would become much easier and happier than 2009, and many other wishes I had back then for 2010. At last, most of the wishes I had back then were not granted.

However, I think there are a lot of things I can learn from 2010. I don't know why, but it seems 2010 is the year of learning for me, year that I started to reflect and muse a lot about my life, cultivated all experiences I did undergo then felt it and tried to fix and improve 'em all for the next days I would have. To be honest, I may think that 2010 is the year of pain and sadness, but then I know that one can become stronger after passing through all of obstacles in their life.

There were many mistakes I did in 2010. Honestly, I think most of my failure in 2010 were caused by my own laziness. I also was too cocky in socialization so that I was lacking of friends, and some people also left me. I was also too pessimistic to face this life.

A lot of things made me try to move on, made me try to stand up after I fell down, made me try to laugh no matter how sad it was that I really felt like crying, a lot of things made me learn to try to be a better person, and a lot of things made me realize this life and world better.

Learning from the yesterday really makes us understand ourselves much better, and it's somehow helpful in some ways and aspects. I, at least, has understood about what I really desire and dream for the sake of my own self.

The most stressful part in 2010 for me is that when I failed in my academic matters and when I lost my best friends, especially the best friend of best friends. Well, for the 'best friends'-thingy, is not that we became enemy for each other, but it's just I must be separated from them and unable to meet them, perhaps no more able to meet them, especially the best friend of best friends.

For academic matters, to be honest, that was the first time I failed in my whole life. That was the first time I failed to reach what I wanted. And it really made me stressed back then.

After I finished my High School time, I suddenly realized that I loved it and missed it so much. I was late to realize it that I had always thought only about my Middle School life, without being grateful enough to be in High School. I then ended up only having few of best friends, though I wholeheartedly really wanted to be friends with many others. I now learn that I need to be more grateful for everything I have in life because it's not gonna be twice to be part of my life. Once it leaves me, it's gone.

Adaptation is also someting surely hard for me. However, once we've gotten used to it, we will surely love it. And that's exactly what I've felt in Solo. You may see that I grumbled a lot at the very first time, but now I enjoy most of the life I have there (not includes academic thingy).

Happiness and sadness are only about time, they switch position everytime and we never know where time is going to lead us to.

A great loss, will result in a great finding. Everthing has their own price, and it's inevitable for world to keep rotating, switching position to one another.

I, here, want to say thanks to all of my family members, to all of my friends, to everyone that have helped me a lot in living this life, in passing through every single problem I had in life. Thanks for all of your helps to me. It means a lot to me. Saying thanks and wishing the best for you guys are the best and the only I can do. Sorry for being unable to do something better.

Goodbye 2010. Thanks a lot for every lesson you brought and gave. Thanks a lot for happiness I felt in you, 2010. I will surely miss you. For me, you are such of my 'Year of Illumination'

Friday 24 December 2010

Because You Were Here ~ Eternal Way

KIMI GA ITA KARA (from anime --> Fullmetal Alchemist)
Sung by: Yellow Generation
(Below is the English Transation)

The day the cherryblossom fluttered down, I smiled and took a step forward
Our shoulders collided at my home station, I shook your hand and morning came as always

Light entered the classroom, the gentle sunlight carried by the wind softly wrapping us around
I took a nap around one, and remembered you, but alarm clock's chime wake me up

It's been a whle since I looked thorugh this photo album, on the last page
The words "DO YOUR BEST" stand out, even now, they motivate me

Because you were in my life, I had plenty of smiles
Because you are in my life, I can always be my own gentle self
Unchanged bonds, unfaded memories, they continue, it's the ETERNAL WAY

I wash my hands under the faucet, water splashing, a rainbow is suspended over the campus
I though, perhaps one day I could say the words I never said, it's better than not ever saying them

In the middle of a dream, I knew, the feelings I had weren't lies
but regardless of the memories, we can't blame on each other if we strayed off

Because you were in my life my heart was hot with tears
Because you are in my life, even now I can be my own gentle self
Bound by your smile, this moment will continue, it's the ETERNAL WAY

Unchanged bonds, unfaded memories, they continue, it's the ETERNAL WAY

Wednesday 22 December 2010

For Stevano

For Stevano, The best friend I've ever had in life.
Thank you for being my best friend
Thank you for everything you've taught me
Thank you for everything you've given me
Good bye, take care.
I wish you luck always
I'll always pray for your dream to come true
Good Luck in USA.
________________________________________________________________
MOSHIMO KONO SEKAI DE
Hunter x Hunter Greed Island Final Ending Song
Sung by: Sunflower's Garden
(The Below is the English Translation)

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to believe in my dreams
Thank you, best of my friend

the time of departure gets closer
the separate paths for each of us
you taught me
to laugh no matter what happens

the days we understood each other is courage
I'll proudly walk down the path I believe in
even if we do become far apart
the sky is always connected

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to believe in my dreams
Thank you, best of my friend

when you feel lost someday
just remember the days we spent together
yes, even if we become adults
there should be something that remains unchanged

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to believe in my dreams
Thank you, best of my friend

the dream continues even if it may change its form like clouds
the long journey that carries me forever
is still continuing even now

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to laugh like this

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to believe in my dreams
Thank you, best of my friend

Saturday 18 December 2010

Regrets

Have you ever wondered why you can't do something you badly want to do? have you ever thought and mused about what you really regret in life? Have you ever blamed on God why this life feels very unfair?

My dad ever said "children are taught to dream so that it will stimulate their imagination becuase imagination is important for their development, especially their brains' development".

Hearing that, I suddenly felt that adults just made a fool of the children, they lied to children. That statement means that people are not supposed to dream, because reality is not as beautiful as dream.

It's been so long time for me to find the answer whether my dad's statement is right or wrong, whether we can reach dream or not. Honestly, I still haven't found it yet.

However, I feel that I want to show my dad that he was wrong. I want to show him that I can reach every single dream I have. Either I want to be wizard, power ranger, pilot, astronout, or even king of the entire world, I want to show him that I can do everything and be everything. I believe that those who dare to dream, deserve to and can reach their dreams. I really badly want to show him that dreams are not just dreams, but the reality itself. Even the believers dream about heaven and yet they still believe in that their dream, right? That's why I will always believe in the dreams I have.

But, there is something bothering me. In fact, There are dreams I failed to reach. There are things I badly regret in life, and when I start to think about it, I feel so irritated and painful. This, again, gives me the same question: can I really reach all dreams I have though I have believed in it so hard?

Time won't repeat itself. Everyone awares of it, including me. I can do nothing about those I regret a lot. All I may be able to do now is to prevent myself from regreting any other I will pass through in life. I don't want to carry any more burden because of things I deeply regret, I really don't want to. To be honest, it feels so hurt inside here.

There are obstacles I have to face if I really want to try to fulfill all dreams I have. And I don't know whether I can pass it or not. So far, I've failed to face those obstacles, haven't I?

I failed to have youth life as most of people do. I feel I was lacking of time and chance to have my youth life as it was supposed to be like. I still want to have more happiness about my youth life with all my friends, and a lover if I could get any. However, I can't have my second chance of time to try reaching that dream. And that is my biggest regret I have ever had.

There are also things I want to do and want to be able to do, such as playing music (piano, violin, guitar, etc.), finishing my KUMON's level, winning many competition at middle school and high school, training martial arts, becoming an actor or model that has a lot of confidence, giving speech in front of people to encourage them, and many more. Unfortunately, I am such an unlucky human. They all can only be done when I was in middle school and high school, when I still had time to do so. But now, they all are no more than just dreams.

This feels unfair, very unfair. Why wasn't I given chance to do so when I still had time? Why was dream created if it wasn't meant to come true? Why did dream give so much hope and purpose for people living their life, but it wasn't meant to come true? Why do I have to suffer from regrets I have that at the very first time I didn't have chance to accomplish and reach them? Why was I told to dream a lot if, again, all dreams I have weren't meant to come true? Why is it that this life always feels so unfair?

Outside there, more people other than me who also suffer from the same pain as mine. The only thing I can say for this, is "WHY?"

I don't even know if I am still allowed to dream, or at least hope that in the afterlife later I will be given chance to reveal myself from all regrets I have now. I don't even know if there will be more regrets coming towards me. I don't even know if I will leave this life in peace because of regrets I have.

Wednesday 15 December 2010

Random

So Much Dream, So Little Time
by: William Suryadiputra (from his Bio in Twitter), my schoolmate in High School, my CEF (Canisius English Forum, a Debate Club in High School)-mate...

Sunday 12 December 2010

Prayer

I just want to thank Thee, God.

Thou art one that always saves me, protects me, leads my way, and always accompanies me anytime and anywhere. Thou never leave me alone to live my life. Only in the name of Thee I can always stand up for everything I will and must face in life. Nothing is bigger than the power of Thy that always holds my either hands. I thank Thee for everything.

I know this life often feels so harsh, but I also know that when God is with me everything is beautiful. I know that often I feel sad, but I also know that when God is with me everything is happiness. I know that I often feel I can't make it through, but I also know God always can and when God is with me I also surely always can.

Through this imperfect prayer, I beg on Thee to always iluminate my mind, my heart, and my soul, so that I can always do the right things in the name of Thy, so that I can always believe in myself that I can pass through every single obstacle in my life, so that I can have have faith in myself that I can reach every single dream I have no matter how far they are.

I thank Thee for every blessing of Thy to me, for every single love Thou devote to me, for everything Thou give me that I can't count it myself because they are way too much. Please forgive me my sins that I can't obey Thee as I am supposed to.

I feel very grateful to Thee for everything happened, happens and will happen towards me, and please teach me to be able to devote my love only for Thee, one given me grace in life.

Monday 6 December 2010

something about December

yesterday was the 2nd Sunday of the Advent, means Christmas is so close to come before us in this December 2010. It's the time that has been waited by so many people around the world, including me and some of my friends.

Unfortunately, on this Christmas, I can't go home cause on the 28 I will have my exam. Well, then I have to study in my Christmas holiday. so pitiful, isn't it?

However, it seems that I'll celebrate Christmas together with some of my friends in this Solo. I don't know how it will turn out like, maybe just some pray, or gathering with some sharing together to one another, or maybe going out for dinner, or anything. I just hope it will be impressive as Christmas is supposed to be.

Nevertheless, when Christmas is about to come, means that New Year is about to come too. I suppose that I will have to get some resolution for the new year, the 2011. I still haven't decided yet what my resolution(s) is / are going to be, but I think it will be more about the way I manage my life, my feeling, my thought, my emotion, my time, and my relation with others such as family, friends, and anyone. I don't know if I will think also about my spiritual life. It's not because either I don't care or I feel it's already enough, but it's actually because I simply have no idea and clue about what I must do about it. I think if it comes to spiritual life, then it's not something we have to decide, but more to feel in our very own life.

In conclusion, I simply wish this Christmas will be something memorable in my life, and I wish there will be some betterment for all and for everything in the new year that's going to come.

Sunday 5 December 2010

My Debate Life

Despite of my broken heart, I would like to share a little bit about my "DEBATE LIFE", that a week ago I joined debate competition in Jogjakarta and you know what?? I won the 1st runner up position which means I proceed it to the Grand Final.

I really enjoyed the debate I finally could have it again in my life. The first practice I had for preparation for the competition, somehow it drove me going crazy about debate as I had used to be. Well, of course the best part was in the competition itself. I did enjoy it so much. It really reminded me to the time of my Debate Life in CC. I suppose that I managed to perform quite well in the competition though I know it wasn't my best since the practice was also not optimal.

I feel so grateful that I learnt about debate from CC, that really has made me able to have some skills of debate that I'm sure others don't have. Well, in the competition itself I managed to be the 9th best speaker among all debaters joined the competition.

However, I understand that I may be good only among debaters in this region (Jogjakarta and Central Java), but when it must come to Jakarta and Bandung, I will even be no in a piece. That's why I tell myself to have practice even more, to be better even more, to be able being one of the best debaters even more, so that I will be able to compete in higher levels even more.

Nevertheless, I now have 2 short term targets in my Debate Life, first is that I must be able to join the national level of competition (and of course I have to be one of the best debaters too there), and second is that I must become adjudicator so I can join the room Adjudicator's Hall; and also I can become a coach for high school debaters (the main reason is to get paid). I know I can, I know I will.

Speaking of the competition held in Jogjakarta, that city really reminded me of Jakarta I used to live there when I was in High School. I really miss Jakarta so much. The light, the traffic jam, the skyscraper buildings, the crowd, and of course the sparkling life there. I really miss Jakarta. I hope one day I can return to Jakarta to have my lovely life there once more, together with all of my lovely best friends.

Tuesday 16 November 2010

Muse

Things happen, not only condition, situation, and circumstances that change, but also people. Sometimes it feels difficult for us to stand up to face the change, especially to admit that we also have changed a lot. We sometimes just can't believe it when everything's no more the same as they used to be.

This life is formed by so many occurrences that randomly happens. We can't set it as what we want it to turn out like, we at last can only follow the scenario given to us and play it as best as we can. Sometimes it looks hard, but we see that there were so many people that had lived this life before us and as we heard, they successfully passed through every single thing happened towards them.

I personally don't know how to manage myself as good as possible, in the opposite and in fact, I have failed to do so, I have failed about many things, so many things. I never know whether this is something I have to or I can strive for, but I just simply do it. I totally have no idea about what the best thing in this life and world is, I don't even know whether the way I live my life based on what I believe is right or wrong. I never know about anything.

To be honest, lately there are so many things make me stressed, sad, and feel like I wanna die. Sometimes we will think that death is the only way to get rid of this ridiculous life, won't we? But at last I always end up realizing something I still want to life for; at the time it feels no hope, there we can find the light of hope itself, though it always seems everything is vain at the time we do believe in the hope. Life is so unique, huh?

We never understand how God works in our life, we never understand what He is doing upon us, and at last we simply can only have faith in Him for everything may happen to us. Hope, pray, wish for the best and happiness,are really human beings' stuffs. I think that's why we really need the existence of God itself. If there is no Him, what do you think will happen towards human beings? Maybe everyone will just suicide themselves.

God is love, God is hope, God is miracle, God is everything and the only we have as reason to still live our life. In this craziness, uncertainty, He gave us life, so at least we still can expect that He is preparing something beautiful for us.

Beyond every problem and disaster we receive, there will always be at least one thing for us to give thanks. And actually at the time we try to muse about the day we have just passed, we can find how much love we also have received from everyone around us. And we try to remember it, personally for me, I will simply smile and feel happy for it. It feels so much beautiful somehow.

Having friends, having best friends, having those who always think of us, having those who always care to us, having those who will always be there for us when we need them, having those who will always lend us their hands unconditionally no matter what, even having chance to meet people that love us and we love them, are really the best blessings we have ever had for whole our life. Honestly I sometimes feel ashamed to ask for more to God, as He has given us a lot, or even too much.

This surely is a long journey, a very long journey. With so many unexpected things happens, whether we like them or not, but I believe that nothing's vain. This journey won't end, 'till I find my way home to You.

Sunday 7 November 2010

Between The Inevitable Divination and Hope for Miracles

living life as someone posesses the power, not only to divine and foresee but also to do some magical and spiritual practice, sometimes can make you lose your faith. It's not that you no more believe in God, but it's just you no more know to hope for the best in life. Just imagine. At the time you already know that bad things are going to happen, and it surely will and must happen, what do you think you can do? try to prevent it? well, actually at the very fist place, the conditions are that you already tried but you failed, or you already knew there would be nothing you could do. At that rate we see that everything is inevitability. This kind of divination actually is like that God just tells you for something that is gonna happen, and then He tells you just to get ready for it, get ready to face it at the time it happens. Nothing we can do but just take it and face it.

And yes, it's what actually I do undergo. I want to believe. I really do want to believe for hope, for the miracle to happen upon things I always wish for, but the fact is that I'm shown that nothing I can do. Even when I tried to warn people, they just kept saying to let it be or to just have faith in God that He would protect and save us, then to just hope and pray for the best whereas at the very fist place I had known it was inevitable. Well, if they don't even believe to what I say, how can you think that they will do something to prevent or avoid it? I feel so ridiculous.

Honestly, the worse of this is that when nobody listens to me. I see that they just don't get it how much difficult it is to live life this way. But at the time they don't even believe and trust me, that they simply ignore what I try to say and deliver to them, it makes me feel lonely. Sometimes I do wish for this to stop that I don't want to posess this kind of power, but somehow I realize this is meant to be something that I just haven't found it yet.

Sometimes I am kind of pissed off to those who keep saying "only God knows" or "let's just keep believing in God that He will ...." or "Let's just hope and pray for the best". They don't even wanna listen about how this all happens and comes before our eyes. They don't even wanna try to understand just a bit.

I at last can only shut my mouth then understand that it's so natural for human being to be that way, especially those who don't understand, or those who are way too religious without trying to listen to this universe but simply believe in God as one who rules everything. I do understand this kind of 'knowledge' can only be reached when people are in the higher state than usual, which is so uncommon. And at the time they are told about this, they of course can't take it as something they can get it or believe.

I finally end up being a very pessimistic one. I see this world as a fate. Everything happens is fated. Well, it's true actually, but there is something else that also works on this world, that is Hope. I remember that it's said the best thing we human beings have is the light of hope. It's so beautiful when we shine it that miracles can happen, anyhthing can happen. Something that we wish hard and we deeply hope can happen as long as we believe that it will happen, I'm just no more easily to be that kind of a guy.

I think I just forget to the former me that I used to be a very optimistic person. I simply used to just believe in impossible things that they ended up happening upon me. Yes, the miracles happened upon me when I was younger than now, and at that time I only needed to believe that things were gonna happen, then they happened.

I really don't get it. I've been shown that every single premonition I received was inevitable that it surely would happen, but I've also been reminded lately (by God through some events and occurances) that I need to have faith in the miracles. it's like God tries to remind me that I only need to believe, simply just believe and hope as I used to do, so things are gonna be all right. For me they both seem contradictive for one and each other. it makes me confused and I just don't which side to buy. Moreover, it's been long time for me to stop hoping especially since I could foresee even better than before. I don't know if I can still change.

However, at least I've seen that if we wish hard, dreams can become true. No matter on what way it happens, no matter what the reason is, still it can always come true as long as we really wish hard.

Friday 29 October 2010

#2 from my facebook's notes

I finally think that I cannot make my daily reflection. It's not that I can write all things about my life story for everyday, right? But I think I'm still able to make at least weekly or anytime I have time to do so. As I said in my previous note, it's so useful and helpful to make a reflection about what we've passed through in life. It can make us feel so much better and relieved after all problems we faced in life. Moreover, we at last will realize that we still have something to thank in our life, something that can give us hope to survive, a reason to live our life.

It may be weird that I suddenly decided to write my reflection in facebook's notes (when I usually put this down in my personal writing-place). I don't even know if there is any particular reason I have that now I make it here. I think it's just I feel to do so then I just do. Anyway, sorry if this is such a trouble for anyone think it's annoying since this will appear on your home. Please just delete/hide away the note if you feel like to do so.

I just don't understand the way this world and this universe work. I really don't get it how things can be this way or that way. I did pray for something forbidden wholeheartedly and I wished hard for it, but at last I realized that it's just a mistake of me. So I then decided to stop, but don't know why now it seems God is making it to happen. I'm so amazed personally, and happy I think. It's like my pray is answered at the time I try to stop, at the time I runaway that I think it's for all's goodness. However, now I'm just confused about what I must do. I no more know to stop or to keep it the way I previously wished it to turn out like. I don't know whether to step forward or back.

But at least, now I do understand the phrase: "If we wish hard, the dreams can become true". Whether it's the power of the wish itself or the blessing of God to answer our pray, dreams and impossible things can really turn into reality. Life is very unique, huh?

I'm lately listening to some songs that somehow it's like giving me a courage to hope for things I'm not supposed to hope. I know music really plays a mind trick (just like Jammie Cullum says so), but I think I can only get drowned into some songs that I feel the same emotion and nuance at the time. So I suppose that we will only listen to the song that we are really into.

I notice that right now my life is going to be much more difficult in any aspect. Well let's say the academic aspect as example. Now it's not that I can procrastinate to study. The lessons are no more as easy as before. I need to do something about this. Especially since the schedule becomes very full (practicum + lab. activity + too many examinations + and so on and so on). It seems that I will be lacking of time to live my life at that rate. Nevertheless, it's not the only aspect (Oh Gosh!). I know I gotta do something about this. I just haven't found it yet, but I will.

Work Hard - Play Hard. Now it's my motto in life. I need to work hard in order to accomplish my goal, but still I need to play hard so that I can let go of fatigue I have in life. I think it's now the best way I can do to survive at my current circumstances. I don't need to explain how I manage to work hard and play hard, since I know it's way too out of people's mind that I really do 'unbelieveable things' to work hard and play hard. However, at least for now I think I can reach my target without being too much depressed by applying my this kind of 'work hard play hard'.

All I can do is to do what I believe and think is right, then try to do my best on it. I don't know whether it's going to result in goodness or not, but I can always believe in God to give the best in my life, so that I need not worry about what I'll face.

#1 from my facebook's notes

I now realize how important reflection is. I quite regret that I used to underestimate it when I was in High School. If there will be any chance, I would like to apologize to Father Sigit who was the Father of Moderator when I was in High School that I always didn't make my daily reflection.

Well, by making a daily reflection, so that we can really understand and realize how exactly God appears and help us in our life. It's very logic that if we don't even understand and concious that God is always with us, we can't be so thankful for every single blessing He Himself has given us. And yes, if we don't feel thankful for what we have in life, everytime we feel and think is always that we are lacking of fulfillment of needs, lacking of luck or fortune in life, and we will feel that God has never been fair enough to us.

Grumbling, Blaming on others or something but ourselves, are always what we end up with at this rate. At last, so many negative thoughts about life will prey our soul and spiritual life so that we then end up lost. Truthfully, this is exactly what I feel or I've ever felt about myself, and what I see and I've seen so far from my surroundings right now. Well, that's true that this life is full of pain and sadness, but I remember that Kahlil Gibran ever said that Happiness has no meaning if there's no sadness.

Actually it doesn't mean that I now feel desperate or else, it's just I feel so many problems come before my eyes, and I see others also face the same situation as I do. I just suddenly realize that at least writing things can be cery helpful for facing problems. It can get our mind a bit relaxed and make us feel a bit calm. And I suppose that the good writing can be a daily reflection about what we receive in life.

I personally can't tell about my matters here openly, it's way way way too private (that's why I never share my story to others, because only the very big deals can mess up my mind). But here I can say that it feels too difficult to bear than what people usually experience ( I swear). However, as it is said that there's no temptation God gives us when there's no way for us to overcome it. Well, I do believe it. Beside, until now I'm given chance to breathe, to type words at this note, so I'm sure God does have a good plan about me.

I believe that He will never ever ever leave me alone walking on this land. He will always be there for everyone no matter who it is. And I know it's very normal for people to have problems in life, and they get more difficult and more complicated as people are growing up and getting older. Sometimes we also have to understand that by passing by the hard pathway, we can learn to be wiser for the tomorrow.

I finally find myself in the same situation just like anyone, feeling dumped, dissappointed, broken heart, feeling rejected, angry, hating others, and many more. I'm very just a human. Everysingle negative feeling I have received so far since I don't know the first time I thought I felt them (in this case), really makes me feel so down. Well, people always feel so down, right? and I am part of the people, so it's okay for me to be this way, I think.

In conclusion, I just wanna say I thank You God, You've given me so many people love me, so many things I can possess, and so many blessings I receive so that I can survive until now. I know You've taken care of me though I'm not such a good boy as too many sins I've made in life compared to my goodness. You're way too kind to me when I can only make this a little reflection as my thanks to You. I know it's not my place to ask You for more when You've blessed me with everything, but I beg on You one thing, for what makes me feel not fine (in this case), please help me to find the best solution. You're the only One knows what is the best for me. I may expect anything, but You the One decide. I'll try my best as myself not someone else, and the rest depends on You.

Special Additional thanks to:
1. CC
2. Someone who suggests me to write things about a little reflection about God's role in my life.

Sunday 24 October 2010

F life

Fall in love again. Friendship again. Things are way way way so sloppy. I'm in college now but things seem like in High school, or perhaps Middle School. SO TEENAGERS!!!!
It started with others who shared their story (read: love life story) to me, then I felt so drowned into the story, and then the same mistake happened. The emphaty starts to be realized in my life. Probably I can blame on the law of attraction.

Well, as because I know this feeling is so wrong, I then always pray to God for getting me rid of this nuance. This is such a bad situation for me. I hope for it to happen, but I pray I can get rid of this. What an inconsistent life, right?

I don't know what else I have to do. I think I'm just stuck with a repetitive circumstances. This should stop. But how? I'm clueless.

I met someone. Let's say the name of this someone is A. I don't know what's made me to feel so missing A every second. We send messages (sms) almost everyday and most of the messages are not important, honestly. However, it makes me feel happy.
I can't imagine what A will think about me if A oneday finds out about what I feel towards, and once again I say, it's because this love is wrong.

Actually I think I'm supposed not to write this on my blog, because it will be so dangerous for me if someone read this. But, I can't just keep silent and pretend that nothing is wrong, can I? This burden has already made me stressed. It's way too heavy. So writing is the best thing I can do to make me a bit relaxed.

I just got a message from A some moments ago. A said that in the pray, A always ask God to take care of me. Maybe it's actually purposed as just a motivation for me, but still it makes me hoping.

Time to time, this just gets worse. God, I really don't know what I have to pray and ask to You about this anymore. I'm totally confused. I'm beggin on You, please give me an answer. I feel so lost. or maybe if I'm on the right track, this track is one I disklike.

on the next few days, I will have exam, exams actually (more than one). But this has made me gone mad. I can't focus or concentrate to study. This really turns me crazy.

FYI, this is the third sun in my life. I don't even understand why I always end up havin a crush with the sun. Maybe because I'm too lunar, huh?

For some readers, I'm sure this is too abstract for you to understand. But that's good if you don't get it. and just don't get it. don't.

Well, to be more specific, what exactly makes me now really mad, is because few days ago A made me realized that I'm not the special one for A. A has someone else which A dearly loves. At that time, I felt so down. And now I'm still feeling so down. The worst of this is that I suddenly feel like indulging myself with food nonstop. I keep feeling to eat again and again. Maybe it's because I'm so sad for what happened to me, but usually at this rate I won't wanna have anything to eat. This is so weird now. I feel like I'm a different person, I'm not myself. (maybe I'm way too exaggerative about this, but it's what I'm thinking and feeling. if you are troubled with this, just close the window).

Maybe I need to imitate the main character in Eat Pray Love. I'm stressed feel broken heart, so I gotta go somewhere I can keep indulging myself with food over and over again, then I can go praying in India (having a peaceful and calm circumstances there to meditate and pray). The last maybe I can find a way for my love life. That would be the best solution for everything for me.

Well, speaking of which, I don't believe in happy ending. Life never has its ending, right? Life goes on. We don't know where and when it's already tired to continue its journey. So I really don't hope for a happy ending about this. I just wish this could reach the best plot and scenario. However, as I also don't know about my script, and as I just play it spontaneously with my instinct, am I allowed to wish for the best? can I?

F u life. F u rules. F u right and wrong. F u love. F u F u F u F u.... I feel so messy, I feel so stressed, I feel so damn.

Monday 18 October 2010

#2 Me right now

It's hard for me to say anything what's in my mind, but it's also hard for me to just keep silent and do nothing to try getting myself better. It's not that every single thing happen to me is bad and sadness. I also have a lot of happiness here, but as we ever heard, 'the more happiness we have, the more sadness we also have'.

I don't know which one I have to tell first, happiness or sadness. Well, apparently I don't even know what exactly makes me feel sad or upset. I somehow just feel sad without any particular reason. Maybe it's because of the premonition I lately got, a bad premonition. I'm so afraid of having this kind of premonition. Especially as a diviner, we can do nothing about what we foresee. It makes me feel bad.

I got some bad news about what happens to this world, and also to some my friends. They somehow experienced things that made them sad. Somehow I feel like I'm connected to them that I also feel their sadness. The worst is that lately there are so many accidents happen around me. It makes me feel even more afraid.

Fortunately, I have so many good friends here. This is very weird because usually I can't get along with people that easily. But here, things are different. I can be friends with many people very easily. I'm even confused why I can be this different. I'm so thankful to God that I am blessed with so much love here. Maybe I'm a little luckier than some my highschool friends. Some of them seem that they have a difficulty in socializing with some people in university. I think it's because that my surroundings are even much better than theirs. I have many good seniors here. They really help me a lot either in academic matter, or in socialization. I really feel like I have a family here.

I ain't gonna talk about any academic problem. academic stuffs will never be a big deal in life, at least not as big as any other aspects.

Friday 15 October 2010

My bad, Please forgive me.

I feel so guilty. This is terribly my bad. My selfishness has resulted things in decay. I'm so afraid if that person will end up hating me. I'm really afraid of that the person will never ever forgive me for what I did, and for what I lied to. I feel so wrong upon the person.

Please, forgive me, please don't hate me. It's better for me to die than you hate me. I don't mean to mess up all things. I'm so begging you. Please.

I don't know what else I can do to fix everything. I'm way too stupid. I'm selfish. I know that I did not care about your and others' feeling. I'm so sorry. I really regret it. I really feel like crying.

God, please help me. Please forgive my sin. I know I will have to pay my Karma, but please don't let me down. I'm begging You, God.

I'm even afraid to hope. I'm even way too afraid to talk to you. Please, don't hate me.

Sunday 3 October 2010

Today, October 3rd 2010

Yesterday I went to Solo Square (a mall in Solo) hanging out with my friends. We had karaoke time, lunch, and a little shopping in hypermart solo square. Unfortunately I left my bag in hypermart. So today I came back to solo square again to take it back.

Well, it's not that I just came then went home. I really used this chance to hang out alone with my own self as well as I always dreamed. And it felt so beautiful.

I departed at 9 a.m. I arrived at solo square at around 10. I then went buying a very great classic story novel that I really missed the story. I used to watch the anime about that story when I was very a child. Then I had my lunch. After lunch, I thought I wanted to directly have coffee time, but as I stared to the games, then I played para-para dance and time crisis. After that, I went to excelso to have my coffe time here.

Now as I am blogging, I am still having my coffee time at excelso. I know this all means that I spent too much money just for today. Maybe I won't be able to feed myself for the next days. Hahaha. But I think it's like God answering my pray that I've always hoped for this long time.

Honestly, I really have no idea about my financial condition for tomorrow. Let me do the best, and God do the rest.

(I hope I won't suddenly be a scavenger just because of today. May tomorrow I will stil have money).

Thursday 30 September 2010

2 years left for me as a teenager

Tomorrow I will have my first exam in my college life. So damn! There are too many matters for me to study and until now I still haven't mastered them yet. I feel so stressed and don't know what to do else. For some matters I have studied, I still can't apply them to answer some case-conditional questions. I feel so useless.

Anyway, I think I have to do something special, inspirational, and incredible for the 2 years left I have in my adolescence. I just think I must have something special and out-of-the-box that I will remember for whole of my life. My adolescent life is way too not dynamic. However, I don't know what to do.

So far, I have failed in the term of romance. I played my role very bad as a guy in that aspect. I feel so helpless if it must happen again. Then I don't think I will fill my left-2-years with any romance. Beside, based on my observation and experience, romance will only cause pain. That's why I have to remove it from my list.

About friendship, I always move from one domain to another. I may have some best friends, but I'm always lacking of time to meet them. I certainly know I can't have a friendship-life like in some great movies that I always dream about. Beside, I don't think in real life there is any such as that great friendship.

Family? Hmm, I don't think anyone in my family wholeheartedly loves each other. Everything will sound like a madness when we come to talk about my family. Well, it doesn't mean we hate each other. It's just too complicated. There is no understanding at all between people in my family. I don't know why.

Somehow, I no more believe in happy ending or live happily ever after. This world is way too cruel. Too many differences that become the reason of discrimination. I no more believe in love in people's heart. Nothing is but hatred and obsession to possess things. At least it's the reality when we try to be realistic. Just try to think about, do you really think there is still any trust between people? Even between friends, family, or lover, all is only about suspicion and mistrust. All of us just trick each other, and use each other for fulfilling our desire.

So, what can I do for my left 2 years in my adolescent life? I personally really have no idea. I just think it will be very wasteful if I don't have anything special about it. Maybe academical achievement will be the answer. But so what? I will get nothing for me to pride about just because of it. Maybe people will feel so amazed about me, but then what is the use for me? I feel so clueless. Do I really have to have a monotone life just like everyone?

I have my own criterias about success. However, in my criterias, it means I will have no happiness in my life. All is only about prestige and ambition. I don't even know why I want it, what I will have by having that kind of success. My life is really so weird for me.

I only have 2 years left. After that I will continue my life to the next phase. I really really really want to feel something different than what I always do. I need a surprise and more dynamic life.

If only life were like Manga, it will be very interesting and exciting. If only every single dream could come true, it would be very beautiful.

Saturday 25 September 2010

MY SALAD DAYS

MY SALAD DAYS, WHEN I WAS GREEN IN A JUDGEMENT

currently I'm making (writing) a story about my life in middle and high school. Well right now it's still a story about every single best friend I've ever had and it's not finished yet, but I think later I will write my really complete story for the whole my beautiful 6 years.

Come to remember about my life in middle and high school, I suddenly remember about a comic called SALAD DAYS. The comic tells every single love and friendship story of many teenagers, green teenagers. At the end of the story, there is a good quote which is taken from a theatrical drama story created by William Shakespeare called ANTHONY AND CLEOPATRA. The quote is as you read in my opening of this post. "My Salad Days, When I was Green in a Judgement". Based on the script, it is said by Cleopatra.

I somehow now admit myself as a very old person, or at least an old teenager. I'm 18 right now and in the next 2 years I'll be 20, which means in next 2 years I'll be no more a teenager. Even it's now kinda legal for me to watch porn (it's legal here for 18). I'm so surprised how old myself is.

Nevertheless, when lately I look myself on the mirror on the wall, I realize that the wrinkles on my face have increased. I'm surely getting old. At the first time I noticed, I felt so scared of getting old. However, now I feel that I admit it. I probably enjoy myself getting older, physically and mentally.

Getting older is unavoidable.

Now when I try to remember about my salad days and to read some posts I wrote, I feel a little weird and funny. I don't know why. I also wonder if I really ever felt that way or really ever was like that. Well, I don't mean about being mature or stuffs, but maybe I just feel different.

Honestly, one thing I'm sure of is that I still remember how this chest was pounding a lot at the time I was that green. Something that always bothered my mind and feeling that I felt worried and unrelaxed. Now I no more feel that way. No more that nervous, and never.

I think I miss how I used to be so stupid, or I was so nervous of something I didn't know. it's not that I miss the nuance or the moment, but I miss the former me. I think being 'green' is quite funny, quite unique. It's something that no other terms of life will ever have and experience. However, I don't mean that now I want to turn back time. I don't know what reason has made me feel all right with my condition right now (since before I didn't feel fine at all). I can enjoy my life now and show a smile, it's really not hard to do (at least right now, but I hope it will be forever).

I suppose that everone's salad days are beautiful. I guess oneday when I have become a real adult with good maturity, I will show a big smile as I look at many other new teenagers that will remind me about my former me. and as Cleopatra, I spontaneously will say "My Salad Days, When I was Green in a Judgement".

Tuesday 21 September 2010

Me right now

less than two weeks more I will face my first test in college. I'm a little bit worried because I don't know what it'll be like, though I have had the samples of test's question of last year. I'm afraid if I can't succeed in this examination, especially since my senior here told me that it would be an easy test (as his GPA was 3.8).

I expect a lot from myself that I want to be able to get a good GPA too, but I still haven't prepared for the test when others have been. As usual, I'm way too lazy to study. I know it's so bad of me.

Lately I'm also thinking about what clubs and organizations I exactly have to join. There are 5 clubs / organizations I apparently want to join, but I know I can't join all of them. I have to choose them most suitable ones for me and my time. However, it's really hard to decide. I really hope God will lead my way and show me the way.

Don't know why, I suddenly think about the future of mine being a doctor. Is it really the future I want, or the future others want from me? I somehow doubt all of things happen upon me whether they really suit me or not. Honestly, I don't even know what I really want.

Here, in Solo, I've met some very good and great people. I'm so thankful that I can meet them. Fate is so beautiful. I do really believe that what God has decided for me is the best for me. Though it's hard to live my life here when the sun is shining too bright and warm, but when it's cloudy, the sky looks so beautiful and it feels so good to be here.

Friday 17 September 2010

To Look Forward and Move On

I personally would like to thank 2 of my best friends that have just made me realizing to understand that I'm no more a child, that I'm now really too old to dream. Thanks Monika June and Stevano. I think now I can move forward, don't mean to throw away my past, but to save all memories I have in the box of heart, to understand that memories are memories, they are better to be kept as they are. As I have ever heard, Things are more precious if they are placed where they are supposed to be. And now I can assure myself if it's also better for me to be as I am supposed to be, so that I can feel that I am worth the price.

On Monday, September, 13th of 2010, I hanged out with them in Bogor. Well, we used to hang out together when we were in middle school, when they were a couple of lovers. We really missed the moment we had in middle school.

FYI, somehow I'm sure it's my last chance to meet Stevano, since he's going to go to US for his study in the middle of this December. I feel so sorry about it because he is my really first best friend I found in Middle School, and because of him many beautiful things happened upon me.

No photos we took, just talked and had chit-chat. We looked around, we looked to the faces of us one another, we realized that changes had happened to us were all true, inevitable. When we came to remember our golden times in Middle School, we turned out quiet to know how long so much we had passed by this life.

And yes, that is certainly what made me understand, and now I understand. All I can do now is to keep alive, to live my life. No matter how hard it's gonna turn out, I just can't runaway. Maybe it's true that this life is monotone, but maybe it can be precious for everyone because it has an end, so that we will try hard our best to make it beautiful to be remembered, make it too much beautiful to be missed.

Maybe if fate allows me to meet again oneday with everyone I dearly miss, then we all can meet. Now I just can hope deeply in my heart and to keep the memories I've made with everyone safe in my treasures box.

Monday 13 September 2010

100 points

1. disappointed

2. feel like forgotten

3. forgotten

4. neglected

5. I think I'll quit

6. I know must quit

7. Goodbye

8. start all over again

9. tired

10. no more time

11. the last

12. random

13. alone

14. lonely

15. only meet 2

16. future

17. must be prepared

18. get prepared

19. never prepared

20. miss

21. loss

22. movie

23. tv series

24. mall

25. sleep

26. boring

27. hot / warm

28. fashion

29. mind

30. book

31. twitter

32. internet

33. parted

34. separated

35. forgetting

36. long-haired

36. never remain the same

37. time

38. change

39. old

40. childhood

41. adolescence

42. teen

43. family

44. friends

45. fate

46. middle school

47. high school

48. university

49. faculty of medicine or medical faculty?

50. life

51. slightly or rapidly?

52. debate

53. new

54. birthday

55. study

56. Bogor

57. Jakarta

58. hometown

59. facebook

60. music

61. religion / belief

62. piano

63. guitar

64. heart

65. music

66. food

67. individually

68. hard

69. room

70. train

71. far and hours

72. play

73. problem

74. history

75. name

76. no song

77. theme

78. literature

79. PC

80. laptop

81. jazz

82. finance

83. memories

84. no more than just memories

85. manga

86. anime

87. thank you for everything

88. quotes

89. l'arc en ciel

90. 10 more to go

91. sadness and happiness

92. birthday

93. chatting

94. campus

95. 5 more to go

96. meditation

97. spirit

98. coincidence = fate

99. transportation and walking



100. and many more

Monday 30 August 2010

Conversation (imitating my friend's blog post)

A: How're you doing?

B: Totally bad.

A: Why?

B: I live in somewhere I've never known and never imagined and never expected before. I personally think that I dislike my current life since now I've lost all I used to have. Just imagine, no AC when this place is totally hot, no water heater, no proper WC, no adequate public transportation, no shopping center nor mall, no wi fi, no this and no that. I feel like I've just come to a primitive town.

A: is it really that scary?

B: ABSOLUTELY and OBVIOUSLY!!!

A: Well, so how is your new life in college now? what about making new friends?

B: Terrible *sigh*. College's life is so different with school's life. It seems more difficult and timeless. Lecture is not the same as class, but it's more like seminar. For God's sake, I was so sleepy at my first lecture. And for friends' stuff, uhm, since the culture here is so much different from Jakarta, it's quite hard for me.

A: Would you like to elaborate, please?

B: The language, the habits, the accent, the behavior, the discrimination, the face, the religion, the lifestyle, the fashion, the food, the mall, the weather, the movies, and many more which will be difficult for me since it's too much. I think if you know e very well, you can understand what I mean from those.

A: uh, OK. I think it seems too much much for you to think all of them. Can't you just get yourself relaxed a bit? I mean you probably can just take it easy man.

B: I wish I could. But you know, for my whole life, I've never ever experienced this. It's way too much much for me, as you said.

A: Okay, so what's your plan for next, and for your study star from here?

B: Honestly, I don't think there will be a way for me to return to Jakarta, though I still hope for that probability (you know what I mean). So it seems by the time I will be staying here for next 5 years. I guess I have no choice but to adapt here, though I know it's totally difficult. I hope I can make myself to study very hard in order to get good marks. Of course I want to succeed here. For facilities' problem, I hope fortunately my parents get a lot of money I don't know from who or where so that I can again spoil myself as I always used to. I also hope there will be lots of holiday so I can just return to Bogor and Jakarta to treat myself as proper as possible.

A: Okay, I don't think I need a very long interview, it may be enough for now. Thanks.

B: Okay, you're welcome.

Tuesday 24 August 2010

August, 24th 2010

Today I feel something better than few previous days. I think I socialized much better and had good conversation with some people. I hope things are as good as they seem.

Sorry if this blog becomes something like a diary for me. Since I'm alone and there's nothing I can do else, blogging things I feel and experience is the only one can give me a good mood.

However, there is something make feel uncomfortable. Well, I know this one may make me seem AMBITIOUS very much, but it's just how I feel. My English Test result is not as I expected before. I know I still have a good mark (89, A) and my rank is 18, but I don't feel satisfied. At last, I also feel envious of some people got better mark than me (I know this is a bad habit). But please, don't misunderstand. Actually I feel like this because I think the test was not difficult. I just expect myself to be better. I wish at least I could get 90.

I have registered myself to join English Debate Club in UNS. I hope I can manage my time very well so I can handle both the debate activity and my study. I hope I can optimize myself for either both.

Suddenly I feel that I miss my middle and high school friends. I hope I can meet them I don't when but ASAP. I think it would be great if now I could share many stories with them as we used to.

One more thing, I found something interesting today. The first person I know in the faculty (let's say his name is C), 'coincidentally', he's friend with someone I really know in middle school (let's say her name is T). Him and she are friends in Facebook but it seems they don't know each other. Kinda weird, huh? However, I think it's something like destiny has something to do with this occurrence. I hope it's a good thing for all of us.

That's all for today. I think I gotta get back to my boarding house. Although I'm not sleepy yet, and I'm sure I don't know what I'll do 'till I get sleepy, I have to rest to prepare myself for tomorrow.

Monday 23 August 2010

Fields of Hope (by Rie Tanaka)

(Translation)

Beneath a veil so cold,
You deeply sleep, all alone
The melody of prayer; on the lonely fields,
a little light shined

I watched as you dreamed
You laughed like a child
So dear, and yet so far -
That is the promise of our future

That one day, on a green morning,
One day, we will make it there
Because in this wintered sky
We still believe
Fields of Hope

On the day we were born, we were embraced
And now we search for those gentle hands again
The melody of prayer; one vanishes,
And all begins again; a powerless, painful continuation

One day, to that green morning,
We'll cross through all these nights
Because that is the place each one of us searches for

Now, within my own heart,
I want to keep you warm
So dear, and yet so far -
In the name of peace
Fields of Hope

So dear, and yet so far -
The fields of promise
Fields of Hope
Fields of Hope

So Far

It's been more than a week I've been in Solo. OSPEK has finished and it's kinda tiring. I think there is nothing to tell about the OSPEK. It's just the same everywhere. Homework and assignments all along, screaming, amusement, and anything and obviously, they all are impressive.

Now I only have to wait until September, 7th, for the holiday to go home. I truthfully really miss my home. I miss my high school friends. I miss my everything that I can't have right now. It's really hard to face this situation.

Few days ago, There were some seminars-like for all medical students. We all are told about how to study in Faculty of Medicine. And guess what? It's soooooo difficult for me to follow the case. Really it is. I mean I know I haven't experienced it yet, but in my opinion it seems hard. I don't know whether I can succeed as I hope or not. I'm so pessimistic right now. I'm way too afraid of what it may be like. *SIGH*.

At the time I type this, my mom has just left home. Now I'm totally alone in Solo. I don't have even a best friend yet. Maybe there are some friends I have in the faculty, but for me I need to have a very best friend that I think I can trust fully and rely on. And now, I still haven't found it yet (since it's been only few days).

I really want to have some best friends here. I hope I can make it as soon as possible. I need best friend.

In Solo, here, I think I feel cultural shock. Well, the culture of the people here is totally different from me. I don't know whether slightly I can adapt or not. I'm just afraid if I can't adapt, I may be stuck alone without friends here. I hope there will be someone who want to accept me as I am.

So far, I know nothing about what will happen to me next. I don't even have any idea if what have just happened are all right for me or not. Sorry if this blog sounds like I am dying. I just feel really terrible right now. Being alone in a strange city, I don't know how to express it.

Thursday 19 August 2010

(One of) Assignment of UNS OSPEK

My Wish

I now study in Faculty of Medicine in UNS (University of Sebelas Maret). As it is, of course there are things I really expect to happen in the future.

First of all, I hope Faculty of Medicine of UNS can provide me stuffs I need for my study. And then, through my presence in UNS, I wish in the future the faculty itself can be one of the best and most popular Faculty of Medicine in Indonesia. Moreover, I also have some expectations about my social life there. I hope I can be friends with so many people there, especially to make best friends.

For my personal hope, I wish I can improve my skills in academic and non-academic matters. I want to become somebody through my study in Faculty of Medicine in UNS, so that I can be someone useful one day for others. I also hope I can socialize there very well since truthfully, I’m such a shy person. I wish I can actualize myself in Faculty of Medicine in UNS. Thus, one day I can be a good doctor as what I’ve dreamt.

Last but not least, I hope all things may happen start from now can give some good impacts for my lovely country, Indonesia. I hope in the future Indonesia can be one of the most prospereous countries in the world that the people live peacefully

Saturday 7 August 2010

scattered

Too many inspirations came and then they were all gone. I didn't have time to blog so nothing was written down here. I've been stuck with all my days so long. Sometimes I got confused with something I didn't know what caused me confused.

I miss my highschool life, my bestfriends, my everything I used to have. And yet, I think I don't want to meet them now, I don't want to come to my highschool. It's not that I hate them. I only feel it's not the time to do so. I just have to freeze my time until the time I don't know.

The big news for some people about me, it's that I will study in UNS (Universitas Sebelas Maret) in Faculty of Medicine. The most one is very proud of me is my dad. He seems get very excited about. However, I don't feel proud of myself. I don't feel something special about it. I don't mean to underestimate UNS, but I just don't know why I feel nothing about it.

Now I'm very nervous of preparing myself to study to UNS. It's located in Solo, far enough from my hometown. It will be a very new circumstances for me there. I will meet many new people there and yet I feel unready. I feel afraid of what I may face there.

When many of friends are having time in their universities, I still doubt myself. Though, somehow I also feel impatient to see what will happen to me next in university. It can be anything, happiness, sadness, many things.

Speaking of which, I hate the fact that I have to take the train to Solo. It's more than uncomfortable, but also it needs a very long time for me to be in train since it takes more than 8 hours to arrive there.

It's been more than a month I guess that I help my parents working for family's businesss. Sometimes I get sick of helping them to work that I am lazy and get bored. However, it won't take a month for me to leave my home to Solo. Sometimes I think I maybe will miss my time here.

I've got a lot of planning for my future but I think it will be only few of my plans will be achieved.

Anyway, I apologize if what I've written this time is quite unstructured. I just don't know how to write down all of my thoughts and yet I still want to lay them down on this blog.

Saturday 26 June 2010

Holiday and Dream

I NEED A HOLIDAY

Okay, I know that currently I'm still in holiday in the term that I don't go to school. However, it is not what I mean. What I need is that a holiday from my current life and my current daily. I want to be off from this circumstances and to have a new world at least for 2-3 weeks. I really need taking a break for a while; I need forgetting my everything and having a new adventure.

Honestly, yesterday I was inspired by a movie I watched from Trans TV, The Holiday. There were two characters (female characters) that swapped home and all their things in order to heal their broken heart and their depression. They agreed to swap home for two weeks, and in that time, they each successfully met many new people which really gave them new color and new spirit in life. They found new love, new friends, new life. They successfully managed to refresh themselves then they really started all over again.

I don't mean that I hate my current circumstances. I truly love everything I have now. I love my family (though they always make me feel stressed), I love my friends, I love my home, and I love everything I have now. I really do. It's just that I really think I need something new in my life. I need change. It's true if you say that I'm just bored with this empty holiday. However, I say this more because for a couple of months I feel stuck and clueless about my future. It's not that I worry about my future, but it's that I don't know what else I have to achieve in my life now. I can't take a monotone and repetitive life just like as others do. I don't see it anymore what else I have to live for.

I really think that I have to find again what is precious to me that I really want to fight for. I must find my new reason what I am living for.

Anyway, I think it will be very exciting if now I can have my new adventure taking off from my boring daily. In the movie (The Holiday), the main female characters could have their new life because they swapped home each other. They could exchange information via internet. And yes, there is a site that provided the facility for people to swap home one and each other. We can put our home information there then people can see about the information if they have any interest to also swap home with us. We can put our contact information so people who may have any interest can call us then we can make agreement to it.

I wish one day I can go swapping home like that via that site. I'm sure it is very interesting and exciting.

http://www.homeexchange.com/

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DREAM, WHAT WE WANT TO BE WHEN WE ARE ADULT

Hmm, I must confess that I love to watch UPIN & IPIN. Some people (especially adults) always mock at me and question me why at my this age I still love to watch cartoons and Children shows. I'm really fed up with the people but at last I can only ignore them since I really enjoy watching the cartoons and the shows.

Today one of stories in UPIN & IPIN I wathced told us about the dreams of the children when they became adult later. All of the children really dared to dream anything. They were not afraid if their dreams were too much difficult to achieve or if people would tell them that their dreams were not realistic.

It's been long time ago since last time I got excited when people asked me about my dream, about what I wanted to be when I got older and became adult. I really missed that moment when I could imagine many probabilities that I could become, when I could hope for everything that I could be whoever I wanted to be.

As we are getting older, people around us start to say that we have to be realistic. They start to say about so many impossibilities and right at the time, they break down all our dreams. Then we start giving up to dare to dream too much. At last, we limit all dreams we may have. We become too afraid to dream. We become afraid if we start to be unrealistic.

I think it is exactly what has happened to me. I don't think I have to say much since all of people also experience the same way. I just feel very awful about this, especially when I looked at UPIN & IPIN when all children really had big dreams. It really reminds me to the old me, to what I used to be. Well, I guess it is what all of us used to be, not only me.

LIFE REALLY LIMITS EVERYTHING OF OUR DREAMS. It is really what it seems. I hope one day everything will change. I hope this life can stop appearing cruel to us, but lovely.

Friday 25 June 2010

Fairy Tales

I still haven't been admitted in any university. It really seems hopeless for me. Anyway, I come to think of the SNMPTN examination days (it's 2 days). There are some bad incidents and some good events I experienced at the days.

I didn't carry one of the requirements for the verification at the time. It was SKHUN. Actually I forgot and didn't remember at all about it until the night before the test. My friend actually asked me via SMS about it that he reminded me at the night. However, pity me, it's already very too late. It's so impossible for me to tell my parents to be back to Jakarta just for that silly SKHUN. They surely would get so much mad to me if I did tell them.

Awfully, I also didn't manage well on the examination when people said that the questions were not difficult. See? I guess I totally failed on SNMPTN. I messed up my last chance. I really feel bad. I no more know what else I can hope otherwise miracle from God. I can't even rely on my own self.

On those two days, right after the examination I went to my alma mater, Regina Pacis Bogor. I didn't manage to meet some of my old friends there, but you know what I got there? I saw some Junior High School students there and they really reminded me to the moments I used to have on my daily. I really missed that moment. I missed all feelings I used to have back then, when I really wondered what will happen to me, what mood would occur on, what events I had to face day by day. Sometimes, I was afraid to go to school because I really didn't know what I might have to face on the day, but when it came surprising me and giving me a lot of things, I think I enjoyed it. I missed how I got along with many people back then.

Now I don't know what future may come before me. I feel that I need something that I can always hold for sure so I don't need to feel that I lose my things. I want to soon have a happy ending story in my life. It's so ironic, right, since I'm still very young. I know I can't have all moments in my past return to me and once it pass by seconds, it truly fades away.

If by any chance I can be so sure that I'm truly all right, or at least I can have somebody that will always assure me that I'm truly all right, I hope I think it can make me feel a bit relieved. Staying alive as someone that have parents who always scream at you or tell you all of their problems, and as someone who have big sentiment feelings about everything in past is surely hard. I wonder if things can change upon me, and I hope so.

I hope I still can believe in fairy tales, where everything is about a happy ending, and it's happily ever after. I hope all bad things I've experienced so far will be just like a fairy tale story, they all will end up happy ending ever after.

Sunday 13 June 2010

whatever

There are lot of things I'd like to tell about. As I'm watching MTV Movie Award in Global TV, I somehow can manage to access my blog from my Dad's laptop when my both parents are not around. FYI, it's really hard for me when they are around me (as now I'm at home).

Knowing the fact that I can't return to Jakarta for one month (start from 11th June to 11th July) really makes me sad and quite depressed because it means that I can't have time to hang out or to have chit-chat with my friends. I'm a bit regret that it's very late for me to realize that I have so many best friends in High School. I probably also was late to find them. Now I see that I don't any enough time to share with them together and we will soon be separated in order to reach our dream on different pathways. I'm surely miss them, totally miss them and will be missing them. I don't know whether I can have chance later that in the future we can have ourselves getting together. I just think it will be very fun to still be close to them as best friends. It will be a pleasure.

Lately I think myself that it may be good for me to be a writer. I mean I may be able to have a career as a writer. I don't know probably it can be a book writer, or just article writer in magazine, or whatever. I just think that it can be easier for my life that I don't have to force myself to study something I don't want to or to do something that at last it will only give me a lot of pressures. I must admit that it's very tiring for me to keep studying just for university. I know that I haven't yet reached my limit, but I also know that I am already fed up with all of this. I think I quite have a talent to be a writer, and I think it can be very interesting and exciting. However, everyone knows that it's just not easy to be a professional writer and I also don't know how to start it especially since I'm still very young (I'm still a teenager, after all). I still hope that there will be a way for me to be what I want right now, though. I just think I can enjoy myself and my life if I can be a writer.

I also kind of pissed off with my Dad's speech that he always ask me to study and study more. I really want to tell him that: "I'm tired already, Dad. I'm fed up with all of this. I just want to let it flow no matter what it will be for me, I will take it. I can't continue anymore."

I dream that someday I can go to Hollywood and be friends with the stars there and I think it's so enjoyable to have life like those stars. Who knows that I can follow every single fashion and lifestyle just like those stars if I can become one of them? Hahaha...It's really my dream, and just dream.

I now just want to spend my time left with my best friends as long as we still can be together, before we really will be separated. I also really love my family (my parents, my brother, and my sister). Though they often make me stressed, pissed off, and feel uncomfortable with all of their bad characteristics, they still always give me love that I am very happy with all their love. I love all of my friends and my family.

I hope I can have my life joyfully and happily. I just want to spend my time left with all peace around me.

Thursday 10 June 2010

SEX AND THE CITY 2 (The Movie)

On this Wednesday (9 June 2010) I watched SEX AND THE CITY 2 the movie in cinema. Actually I watched it because I had been persuaded by my friend that he said the prequel was a good film and it was funny. Though I haven't watched the first movie yet, but I guess it's still okay for me to watch the 2nd movie before watching its prequel since I thought the main story for each should be different.




Some people, however, said that the 1st movie is much better and funnier than the 2nd movie. I don't know whether or not it's true, but I think the 2nd movie is still a good film and quite funny.
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Moreover, I'm very jealous with the bond of friendship the main characters possessed. I can say that it's very strong and it seemed they had each other as best friends. I don't mean that I don't have any like that but I just wonder if the bond of friendship my best friends and I have can last as strong as they had and can be like as forever as it seemed in the film. It's just so beyond my knowing and unpredictable, because I know that time can change everything and am very afraid of it.


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I also like the way the film showed us how glamorous the ladies were. They're so fashionable, stylish and looking very sparkle. I love that it's looking fabulous and luxury from their dresses and lifestyle. It's just so dreamy.






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There are so many my favorite scenes in the film, espcially because they were very funny. One of funny scenes for me is when Samantha wore the same dress as Miley Cyrus wore when they were on the red carpet. For me, that part really made Samantha nervous and really it's such a humiliation one for Samantha. (hahaha). I would be very speechless if I were Samantha.




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Next one is about Abu Dhabi. It looked so awesome. I really dream to have a trip there now. However, it must be very expensive, though. *sigh*

From the movie:








Not from the movie:



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There were also some conflicts such as about love and relationship the ladies had that also became problem in their life. Jealousy, clashes between couple, honesty, and many more gave many different colors to their life. I really think that the story was very realistic and it resembled life's problems of anyone. I felt that it was a touchy story. The ladies somehow managed to fight for their life. They, no matter how big the problems were, kept being as strong as possible to face the problems. It teaches us that although problems in life always make us hurt and sad, but at last we can be stronger and better person after experiencing it. All we need is to think positive and be patient. Though the price of it is very painful at the first, but it will be developing ourselves to be a better person in living life, and it's really beautiful.

This inspiring story somehow becomes very precious for me. I want to have a forever friendship. I want to experience how much sweet and bitter love is. I want to see many beautiful things in life I haven't reached yet, but when I succeed to continue my journey after facing problem by problem. I want to be the stronger and the better me. I know it's all not easy, but I know I don't have to hesitate or runaway from them. Just be patient and think positive, so I can solve every single problem in life. I will really be looking forward to the future me. Nothing is to be afraid of. Problem is just part of life, and even it's a problem as long as we see it as problem. When we see problem as something usual and common, it's no more than just a daily activity.

Overall, it's a great and inspiring movie. It has a very big and deep meaning.

Wednesday 9 June 2010

Picture: Magic

Card Captor Sakura


Clow Magic Circle


Sakura Magic Circle

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xxxHolic


Yuuko Magic Circle


Yukito Magic Circle


Syaoran Magic Circle

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Charmed


Charmed Symbol


The Book of Shadows
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Magic and Fate

As I have promised, there is something that I wanna tell more about myself. It's not about story, experience, or hobbies, but it's about one of my interests.

I am kind of person who believes that in this world there are so many things that we cannot explain. People's intelligence of today is too far away from these unexplained and they all are very beyond of what we can understand. However, some people can acknowledge it very well. Some unexplainable things actually are just as simple as an old and ancient paradigm. It's all really just about 'high level of spiritualism' and magic.

As the title of my blog: Fate, and as what can be read on the description box: Everything is Inevitability, Nothing is Coincident, I somehow believe in magical things. I do believe that some people possess power beyond what people may imagine and this power really exists among us. Just like what we watch in fiction film about magic, I am sure that it actually really exists. It's just most of people don't know about it.

First time I was impressed about magic, I think it's from anime Card Captor Sakura (CCS). I learned many things from the anime. Then I also knew more about magic from Charmed TV Series (Charmed). I then knew that by magic we could do so many incredible things, and what I understood from CCS and Charmed was that magic was used for fighting evil and it is to make people happy. However, it's really a gift with so much high responsibility.

I then imagined that if I could have some powers like in CCS and Charmed, such as Telekinesis, creating things, and controlling elements, etc. I, although knew they were just fiction stories, was so sure that those magical things were true. I believed that I could possess it too and I believed that some people also could do it. Maybe because since I was a child I could have seen some spirits and also I already could have seen some premonitions about what would happen in the future. Then because of that, I simply believed to magical things I watched in CCS and Charmed.

As time goes by, my interest became obsession. I now know more about it than I did. I now believe that it was my instinct led me to this. I now understand it very well that nothing in this world happens because of coincident. I do believe that everything is fated, it's all inevitability. There will always be a reason for something to happen. Nothing happens for vain.

Moreover, I also believe that this world is very large, very wide. It's even bigger than we thought. Well, I'm talking about dimension. There are so many different worlds and different dimensions that exist together. We just don't know and can't reach them. Although I know that my this statement will be very controversial for many people, but I'm sure one day everyone can see it. Everyone will surely understand it.

For now, my knowing about magical things and spirits is more because of xxxHolic. I learn so many things that I never understood before, but was aware of. It makes me more understand this life and it explains about things that I did not get it before such as unexplained mystical advice that we always hear from our elders. One that I also will never forget from is: Humans are not the only living-beings in this world, there are some rules between human and other-beings.

My quote about fate and inevitability are also from xxxHolic, and for me it explains enough for everything we people don't see the correlation between one and another. The more I think with my logic, the more I see that coincidental theory can't answer every single occurrence in life. That's why at the very first place I have believed in fate long before I read xxxHolic. However, xxxHolic has made it easier for me to explain it in words.

share and gossip

This time I have got a lot of stories to tell. Now I'm very confused and really don't know which I have to start from. So let's just begin from the very latest news.

ACADEMIC MATTER
Actually on this 8th June, there is an announcement of the admission of UMB examination. You know, UMB is my third examination for admission in faculty of medicine. I had my first examination in UTUL-UGM and my second in SIMAK-UI. As you see now, I failed in all of the examination.

Maybe some would wonder why I only applied for the top ranked universities in Indonesia (UI and UGM), especially since I applied for faculty of medicine. Well, so here is my clarification (it's explanation actually):

1. For whole my life, I've been dreaming to be a doctor. I really want to work as a doctor helping sick people who are suffering from any kind of disease. It somewhat becomes very impossible for me to just throw away my dream for life just because I want to pass the examination so I can continue my study in UI or UGM with whichever faculty. I don't choose the university just to study with whatever faculty, but I choose the faculty then I consider university that probably can support my future accordingly. I know it sounds a bit arrogant or whatever you say, but truly, this is me. I am who I am and yes, I'm such an idealist one.

2. Continuing study is not something that we can simply gamble with since our future is at stake there. Naturally I want to have my study to be continued in a top ranked university (in Indonesia--> please highlight this ones) because at least it can guarantee my future that I can get job easier, or at least it's what people say. Moreover, it will be a pride for me if I can continue my study (this if clause still uses condition 1 since there is SNMPTN left).

Exactly!!!
For point one, I may be right, but I'm not for point 2. Everyone of course knows that in order to assure about our future, it's not from what university we are from, but what and who we are. My paradigm and thought are surely very narrow and wrong, but I can't help it. Really I can't. Besides, I'm also still considering about my damn dignity. I think (and I'm sure) I will feel despicable if I can't continue my study in prestigious ones. So far, I have kept increasing my prestige by continuing study from considerable school, to another more considerable one. As the result, I could show off to my friends from previous school that I was good. However, now I can no more. how pitiful I am, right?

I always thought that I was such a beloved creature of God. I felt that I was the favourite one. That's why I thought I always got what I wanted. I was so sure that I was kind of human that owned a heavenly grace and blessing on his side. However, all of my vanity now is broken. I've lost.

At last, in SNMPTN I've applied for one else beside UI, it's University of Jendral Soedirman (UNSOED). Though I still have applied for faculty of medicine, I no more expect myself to be able not to fail for UI. Well, I can only apply for UNSOED beside UI for some reasons. One of my reasons is, I don't want to go outside this Java Island yet. I don't know why, but I just feel like that.

Speaking of which, it's not only me who undergo this depression of repeated failures. There are also some close friends of me that feel the same way. I, however, don't get depressed as much as them (I think) since it's been weeks or maybe a month that I've given up to the case. I even told my parents that I had already been fed up with all this. I could and can take it no more, and I still am fed up with.

Honestly, I am so tired of having to strive so much and then disappointed. That's why I've simply just given up to this. I don't think that I have to force myself to get something that it seems I can't even enjoy the process. Besides, I think I have ever experienced a time when I left every single joy and chance of happiness I had in order to get something that at last I did not enjoy. I have a lot of pain and regret upon it. So, now I decided not to force myself anymore and enjoy my present. I guess I must respect myself a bit as a human, not robot. I must stop thinking about my pride, dignity, or stuff like that. It's enough for me.


READING BLOGS
I like to read lot of things. Reading makes me feel comfortable. Usually I choose those which have meaning and worth information for me. It's sometimes more about rare things that people will never have any interest about (and people always say it heavy case or stuff). However, I don't know why that recently I more prefer those that only have easy case to read. I start it from reading my friends' blogs that they commonly use Bahasa Indonesia on their blog (though sometimes English) and the theme of what they write is always about life. They share their own story, opinion, feelings, and stuff like thoughts on their blog. It's of course very easy for me to catch up with and I totally do enjoy it.

That's why I do follow some my friends' blog so I can easily find theirs and can read anytime I want. Unfortunately, it seems one of them dislike my deeds (though I truly have no any other purpose, but reading), so he totally lock his blog that nobody can read it. Actually I don't know whether he's only banning me or everyone, and I also don't know whether he will keep it forever or maybe later, he will at least lemme access it.

I kind of pissed off with this, honestly, but I know it's his right. It's his blog, after all.


DEED OF SOME CELEBRITIES IN INDONESIA
I don't know what's wrong with these people (actually it's specified to just some celebrities), but some of them somehow love to make any scandal and sensation to the public. Okay, just to the point: Porn Video.

It started with a sex video of a lovely romantic couple stars. Then now the rumors said that the man-character not only play in one video with one woman-character, but there are sex-tape (or whatever, I don't know the name) videos of the man-character have sex with some women-characters. I can only say: WHAT??!!

I don't know whether the videos are true or not. I don't know whether it's really them or not. I haven't watched the videos yet. I also understand so much even if the videos are right, that no matter what, it's their really essential right to do whatever they want. I also see that it's just because they are celebrities so people everywhere are talking about, gossiping about, and blaming on them. I also can understand it, however, it's none of my business, that I don't have any particular reason to care about them.

Nevertheless, what I really truly don't understand, is how come the videos somehow got 'spread out' through internet. Especially since it's not only one video, but some videos (well, I don't personally know if it's some, I just heard the rumor). I think the videos were supposed to be their private property that nobody could access it. Moreover, it became the Top Trending Topic on Twitter. For me it's more like "Oh My Gosh"!!! (though I honestly also tweeted some about it). Well, in short, it seems like they did it (let the videos accessible in internet) deliberately. I don't mean it, I just say: it seems.

(okay, enough about the gossip).

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well, since this post apparently is already too long, I will continue some I want to post later in the next one. I also think that this blog needs some picture to be posted.

Okay it's enough for me today to write plenty of things.