Holiday and Dream

I NEED A HOLIDAY

Okay, I know that currently I'm still in holiday in the term that I don't go to school. However, it is not what I mean. What I need is that a holiday from my current life and my current daily. I want to be off from this circumstances and to have a new world at least for 2-3 weeks. I really need taking a break for a while; I need forgetting my everything and having a new adventure.

Honestly, yesterday I was inspired by a movie I watched from Trans TV, The Holiday. There were two characters (female characters) that swapped home and all their things in order to heal their broken heart and their depression. They agreed to swap home for two weeks, and in that time, they each successfully met many new people which really gave them new color and new spirit in life. They found new love, new friends, new life. They successfully managed to refresh themselves then they really started all over again.

I don't mean that I hate my current circumstances. I truly love everything I have now. I love my family (though they always make me feel stressed), I love my friends, I love my home, and I love everything I have now. I really do. It's just that I really think I need something new in my life. I need change. It's true if you say that I'm just bored with this empty holiday. However, I say this more because for a couple of months I feel stuck and clueless about my future. It's not that I worry about my future, but it's that I don't know what else I have to achieve in my life now. I can't take a monotone and repetitive life just like as others do. I don't see it anymore what else I have to live for.

I really think that I have to find again what is precious to me that I really want to fight for. I must find my new reason what I am living for.

Anyway, I think it will be very exciting if now I can have my new adventure taking off from my boring daily. In the movie (The Holiday), the main female characters could have their new life because they swapped home each other. They could exchange information via internet. And yes, there is a site that provided the facility for people to swap home one and each other. We can put our home information there then people can see about the information if they have any interest to also swap home with us. We can put our contact information so people who may have any interest can call us then we can make agreement to it.

I wish one day I can go swapping home like that via that site. I'm sure it is very interesting and exciting.

http://www.homeexchange.com/

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DREAM, WHAT WE WANT TO BE WHEN WE ARE ADULT

Hmm, I must confess that I love to watch UPIN & IPIN. Some people (especially adults) always mock at me and question me why at my this age I still love to watch cartoons and Children shows. I'm really fed up with the people but at last I can only ignore them since I really enjoy watching the cartoons and the shows.

Today one of stories in UPIN & IPIN I wathced told us about the dreams of the children when they became adult later. All of the children really dared to dream anything. They were not afraid if their dreams were too much difficult to achieve or if people would tell them that their dreams were not realistic.

It's been long time ago since last time I got excited when people asked me about my dream, about what I wanted to be when I got older and became adult. I really missed that moment when I could imagine many probabilities that I could become, when I could hope for everything that I could be whoever I wanted to be.

As we are getting older, people around us start to say that we have to be realistic. They start to say about so many impossibilities and right at the time, they break down all our dreams. Then we start giving up to dare to dream too much. At last, we limit all dreams we may have. We become too afraid to dream. We become afraid if we start to be unrealistic.

I think it is exactly what has happened to me. I don't think I have to say much since all of people also experience the same way. I just feel very awful about this, especially when I looked at UPIN & IPIN when all children really had big dreams. It really reminds me to the old me, to what I used to be. Well, I guess it is what all of us used to be, not only me.

LIFE REALLY LIMITS EVERYTHING OF OUR DREAMS. It is really what it seems. I hope one day everything will change. I hope this life can stop appearing cruel to us, but lovely.

Fairy Tales

I still haven't been admitted in any university. It really seems hopeless for me. Anyway, I come to think of the SNMPTN examination days (it's 2 days). There are some bad incidents and some good events I experienced at the days.

I didn't carry one of the requirements for the verification at the time. It was SKHUN. Actually I forgot and didn't remember at all about it until the night before the test. My friend actually asked me via SMS about it that he reminded me at the night. However, pity me, it's already very too late. It's so impossible for me to tell my parents to be back to Jakarta just for that silly SKHUN. They surely would get so much mad to me if I did tell them.

Awfully, I also didn't manage well on the examination when people said that the questions were not difficult. See? I guess I totally failed on SNMPTN. I messed up my last chance. I really feel bad. I no more know what else I can hope otherwise miracle from God. I can't even rely on my own self.

On those two days, right after the examination I went to my alma mater, Regina Pacis Bogor. I didn't manage to meet some of my old friends there, but you know what I got there? I saw some Junior High School students there and they really reminded me to the moments I used to have on my daily. I really missed that moment. I missed all feelings I used to have back then, when I really wondered what will happen to me, what mood would occur on, what events I had to face day by day. Sometimes, I was afraid to go to school because I really didn't know what I might have to face on the day, but when it came surprising me and giving me a lot of things, I think I enjoyed it. I missed how I got along with many people back then.

Now I don't know what future may come before me. I feel that I need something that I can always hold for sure so I don't need to feel that I lose my things. I want to soon have a happy ending story in my life. It's so ironic, right, since I'm still very young. I know I can't have all moments in my past return to me and once it pass by seconds, it truly fades away.

If by any chance I can be so sure that I'm truly all right, or at least I can have somebody that will always assure me that I'm truly all right, I hope I think it can make me feel a bit relieved. Staying alive as someone that have parents who always scream at you or tell you all of their problems, and as someone who have big sentiment feelings about everything in past is surely hard. I wonder if things can change upon me, and I hope so.

I hope I still can believe in fairy tales, where everything is about a happy ending, and it's happily ever after. I hope all bad things I've experienced so far will be just like a fairy tale story, they all will end up happy ending ever after.

whatever

There are lot of things I'd like to tell about. As I'm watching MTV Movie Award in Global TV, I somehow can manage to access my blog from my Dad's laptop when my both parents are not around. FYI, it's really hard for me when they are around me (as now I'm at home).

Knowing the fact that I can't return to Jakarta for one month (start from 11th June to 11th July) really makes me sad and quite depressed because it means that I can't have time to hang out or to have chit-chat with my friends. I'm a bit regret that it's very late for me to realize that I have so many best friends in High School. I probably also was late to find them. Now I see that I don't any enough time to share with them together and we will soon be separated in order to reach our dream on different pathways. I'm surely miss them, totally miss them and will be missing them. I don't know whether I can have chance later that in the future we can have ourselves getting together. I just think it will be very fun to still be close to them as best friends. It will be a pleasure.

Lately I think myself that it may be good for me to be a writer. I mean I may be able to have a career as a writer. I don't know probably it can be a book writer, or just article writer in magazine, or whatever. I just think that it can be easier for my life that I don't have to force myself to study something I don't want to or to do something that at last it will only give me a lot of pressures. I must admit that it's very tiring for me to keep studying just for university. I know that I haven't yet reached my limit, but I also know that I am already fed up with all of this. I think I quite have a talent to be a writer, and I think it can be very interesting and exciting. However, everyone knows that it's just not easy to be a professional writer and I also don't know how to start it especially since I'm still very young (I'm still a teenager, after all). I still hope that there will be a way for me to be what I want right now, though. I just think I can enjoy myself and my life if I can be a writer.

I also kind of pissed off with my Dad's speech that he always ask me to study and study more. I really want to tell him that: "I'm tired already, Dad. I'm fed up with all of this. I just want to let it flow no matter what it will be for me, I will take it. I can't continue anymore."

I dream that someday I can go to Hollywood and be friends with the stars there and I think it's so enjoyable to have life like those stars. Who knows that I can follow every single fashion and lifestyle just like those stars if I can become one of them? Hahaha...It's really my dream, and just dream.

I now just want to spend my time left with my best friends as long as we still can be together, before we really will be separated. I also really love my family (my parents, my brother, and my sister). Though they often make me stressed, pissed off, and feel uncomfortable with all of their bad characteristics, they still always give me love that I am very happy with all their love. I love all of my friends and my family.

I hope I can have my life joyfully and happily. I just want to spend my time left with all peace around me.

SEX AND THE CITY 2 (The Movie)

On this Wednesday (9 June 2010) I watched SEX AND THE CITY 2 the movie in cinema. Actually I watched it because I had been persuaded by my friend that he said the prequel was a good film and it was funny. Though I haven't watched the first movie yet, but I guess it's still okay for me to watch the 2nd movie before watching its prequel since I thought the main story for each should be different.




Some people, however, said that the 1st movie is much better and funnier than the 2nd movie. I don't know whether or not it's true, but I think the 2nd movie is still a good film and quite funny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moreover, I'm very jealous with the bond of friendship the main characters possessed. I can say that it's very strong and it seemed they had each other as best friends. I don't mean that I don't have any like that but I just wonder if the bond of friendship my best friends and I have can last as strong as they had and can be like as forever as it seemed in the film. It's just so beyond my knowing and unpredictable, because I know that time can change everything and am very afraid of it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also like the way the film showed us how glamorous the ladies were. They're so fashionable, stylish and looking very sparkle. I love that it's looking fabulous and luxury from their dresses and lifestyle. It's just so dreamy.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are so many my favorite scenes in the film, espcially because they were very funny. One of funny scenes for me is when Samantha wore the same dress as Miley Cyrus wore when they were on the red carpet. For me, that part really made Samantha nervous and really it's such a humiliation one for Samantha. (hahaha). I would be very speechless if I were Samantha.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next one is about Abu Dhabi. It looked so awesome. I really dream to have a trip there now. However, it must be very expensive, though. *sigh*

From the movie:








Not from the movie:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were also some conflicts such as about love and relationship the ladies had that also became problem in their life. Jealousy, clashes between couple, honesty, and many more gave many different colors to their life. I really think that the story was very realistic and it resembled life's problems of anyone. I felt that it was a touchy story. The ladies somehow managed to fight for their life. They, no matter how big the problems were, kept being as strong as possible to face the problems. It teaches us that although problems in life always make us hurt and sad, but at last we can be stronger and better person after experiencing it. All we need is to think positive and be patient. Though the price of it is very painful at the first, but it will be developing ourselves to be a better person in living life, and it's really beautiful.

This inspiring story somehow becomes very precious for me. I want to have a forever friendship. I want to experience how much sweet and bitter love is. I want to see many beautiful things in life I haven't reached yet, but when I succeed to continue my journey after facing problem by problem. I want to be the stronger and the better me. I know it's all not easy, but I know I don't have to hesitate or runaway from them. Just be patient and think positive, so I can solve every single problem in life. I will really be looking forward to the future me. Nothing is to be afraid of. Problem is just part of life, and even it's a problem as long as we see it as problem. When we see problem as something usual and common, it's no more than just a daily activity.

Overall, it's a great and inspiring movie. It has a very big and deep meaning.

Picture: Magic

Card Captor Sakura


Clow Magic Circle


Sakura Magic Circle

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

xxxHolic


Yuuko Magic Circle


Yukito Magic Circle


Syaoran Magic Circle

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charmed


Charmed Symbol


The Book of Shadows
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Magic and Fate

As I have promised, there is something that I wanna tell more about myself. It's not about story, experience, or hobbies, but it's about one of my interests.

I am kind of person who believes that in this world there are so many things that we cannot explain. People's intelligence of today is too far away from these unexplained and they all are very beyond of what we can understand. However, some people can acknowledge it very well. Some unexplainable things actually are just as simple as an old and ancient paradigm. It's all really just about 'high level of spiritualism' and magic.

As the title of my blog: Fate, and as what can be read on the description box: Everything is Inevitability, Nothing is Coincident, I somehow believe in magical things. I do believe that some people possess power beyond what people may imagine and this power really exists among us. Just like what we watch in fiction film about magic, I am sure that it actually really exists. It's just most of people don't know about it.

First time I was impressed about magic, I think it's from anime Card Captor Sakura (CCS). I learned many things from the anime. Then I also knew more about magic from Charmed TV Series (Charmed). I then knew that by magic we could do so many incredible things, and what I understood from CCS and Charmed was that magic was used for fighting evil and it is to make people happy. However, it's really a gift with so much high responsibility.

I then imagined that if I could have some powers like in CCS and Charmed, such as Telekinesis, creating things, and controlling elements, etc. I, although knew they were just fiction stories, was so sure that those magical things were true. I believed that I could possess it too and I believed that some people also could do it. Maybe because since I was a child I could have seen some spirits and also I already could have seen some premonitions about what would happen in the future. Then because of that, I simply believed to magical things I watched in CCS and Charmed.

As time goes by, my interest became obsession. I now know more about it than I did. I now believe that it was my instinct led me to this. I now understand it very well that nothing in this world happens because of coincident. I do believe that everything is fated, it's all inevitability. There will always be a reason for something to happen. Nothing happens for vain.

Moreover, I also believe that this world is very large, very wide. It's even bigger than we thought. Well, I'm talking about dimension. There are so many different worlds and different dimensions that exist together. We just don't know and can't reach them. Although I know that my this statement will be very controversial for many people, but I'm sure one day everyone can see it. Everyone will surely understand it.

For now, my knowing about magical things and spirits is more because of xxxHolic. I learn so many things that I never understood before, but was aware of. It makes me more understand this life and it explains about things that I did not get it before such as unexplained mystical advice that we always hear from our elders. One that I also will never forget from is: Humans are not the only living-beings in this world, there are some rules between human and other-beings.

My quote about fate and inevitability are also from xxxHolic, and for me it explains enough for everything we people don't see the correlation between one and another. The more I think with my logic, the more I see that coincidental theory can't answer every single occurrence in life. That's why at the very first place I have believed in fate long before I read xxxHolic. However, xxxHolic has made it easier for me to explain it in words.

share and gossip

This time I have got a lot of stories to tell. Now I'm very confused and really don't know which I have to start from. So let's just begin from the very latest news.

ACADEMIC MATTER
Actually on this 8th June, there is an announcement of the admission of UMB examination. You know, UMB is my third examination for admission in faculty of medicine. I had my first examination in UTUL-UGM and my second in SIMAK-UI. As you see now, I failed in all of the examination.

Maybe some would wonder why I only applied for the top ranked universities in Indonesia (UI and UGM), especially since I applied for faculty of medicine. Well, so here is my clarification (it's explanation actually):

1. For whole my life, I've been dreaming to be a doctor. I really want to work as a doctor helping sick people who are suffering from any kind of disease. It somewhat becomes very impossible for me to just throw away my dream for life just because I want to pass the examination so I can continue my study in UI or UGM with whichever faculty. I don't choose the university just to study with whatever faculty, but I choose the faculty then I consider university that probably can support my future accordingly. I know it sounds a bit arrogant or whatever you say, but truly, this is me. I am who I am and yes, I'm such an idealist one.

2. Continuing study is not something that we can simply gamble with since our future is at stake there. Naturally I want to have my study to be continued in a top ranked university (in Indonesia--> please highlight this ones) because at least it can guarantee my future that I can get job easier, or at least it's what people say. Moreover, it will be a pride for me if I can continue my study (this if clause still uses condition 1 since there is SNMPTN left).

Exactly!!!
For point one, I may be right, but I'm not for point 2. Everyone of course knows that in order to assure about our future, it's not from what university we are from, but what and who we are. My paradigm and thought are surely very narrow and wrong, but I can't help it. Really I can't. Besides, I'm also still considering about my damn dignity. I think (and I'm sure) I will feel despicable if I can't continue my study in prestigious ones. So far, I have kept increasing my prestige by continuing study from considerable school, to another more considerable one. As the result, I could show off to my friends from previous school that I was good. However, now I can no more. how pitiful I am, right?

I always thought that I was such a beloved creature of God. I felt that I was the favourite one. That's why I thought I always got what I wanted. I was so sure that I was kind of human that owned a heavenly grace and blessing on his side. However, all of my vanity now is broken. I've lost.

At last, in SNMPTN I've applied for one else beside UI, it's University of Jendral Soedirman (UNSOED). Though I still have applied for faculty of medicine, I no more expect myself to be able not to fail for UI. Well, I can only apply for UNSOED beside UI for some reasons. One of my reasons is, I don't want to go outside this Java Island yet. I don't know why, but I just feel like that.

Speaking of which, it's not only me who undergo this depression of repeated failures. There are also some close friends of me that feel the same way. I, however, don't get depressed as much as them (I think) since it's been weeks or maybe a month that I've given up to the case. I even told my parents that I had already been fed up with all this. I could and can take it no more, and I still am fed up with.

Honestly, I am so tired of having to strive so much and then disappointed. That's why I've simply just given up to this. I don't think that I have to force myself to get something that it seems I can't even enjoy the process. Besides, I think I have ever experienced a time when I left every single joy and chance of happiness I had in order to get something that at last I did not enjoy. I have a lot of pain and regret upon it. So, now I decided not to force myself anymore and enjoy my present. I guess I must respect myself a bit as a human, not robot. I must stop thinking about my pride, dignity, or stuff like that. It's enough for me.


READING BLOGS
I like to read lot of things. Reading makes me feel comfortable. Usually I choose those which have meaning and worth information for me. It's sometimes more about rare things that people will never have any interest about (and people always say it heavy case or stuff). However, I don't know why that recently I more prefer those that only have easy case to read. I start it from reading my friends' blogs that they commonly use Bahasa Indonesia on their blog (though sometimes English) and the theme of what they write is always about life. They share their own story, opinion, feelings, and stuff like thoughts on their blog. It's of course very easy for me to catch up with and I totally do enjoy it.

That's why I do follow some my friends' blog so I can easily find theirs and can read anytime I want. Unfortunately, it seems one of them dislike my deeds (though I truly have no any other purpose, but reading), so he totally lock his blog that nobody can read it. Actually I don't know whether he's only banning me or everyone, and I also don't know whether he will keep it forever or maybe later, he will at least lemme access it.

I kind of pissed off with this, honestly, but I know it's his right. It's his blog, after all.


DEED OF SOME CELEBRITIES IN INDONESIA
I don't know what's wrong with these people (actually it's specified to just some celebrities), but some of them somehow love to make any scandal and sensation to the public. Okay, just to the point: Porn Video.

It started with a sex video of a lovely romantic couple stars. Then now the rumors said that the man-character not only play in one video with one woman-character, but there are sex-tape (or whatever, I don't know the name) videos of the man-character have sex with some women-characters. I can only say: WHAT??!!

I don't know whether the videos are true or not. I don't know whether it's really them or not. I haven't watched the videos yet. I also understand so much even if the videos are right, that no matter what, it's their really essential right to do whatever they want. I also see that it's just because they are celebrities so people everywhere are talking about, gossiping about, and blaming on them. I also can understand it, however, it's none of my business, that I don't have any particular reason to care about them.

Nevertheless, what I really truly don't understand, is how come the videos somehow got 'spread out' through internet. Especially since it's not only one video, but some videos (well, I don't personally know if it's some, I just heard the rumor). I think the videos were supposed to be their private property that nobody could access it. Moreover, it became the Top Trending Topic on Twitter. For me it's more like "Oh My Gosh"!!! (though I honestly also tweeted some about it). Well, in short, it seems like they did it (let the videos accessible in internet) deliberately. I don't mean it, I just say: it seems.

(okay, enough about the gossip).

...............................................

well, since this post apparently is already too long, I will continue some I want to post later in the next one. I also think that this blog needs some picture to be posted.

Okay it's enough for me today to write plenty of things.

A Thousand Miles

And I create new post again. It feels very often now for me. Probably because I feel that writing makes me feel better, then I happen to write more and more. Okay honestly my reason for blogging today is to put the lyrics of A THOUSAND MILES here. The lyrics really make me feel something. When I come to think of it, sometimes I also run into the moment that the lyrics talk about. I just can't stop though it's tiring and I know it is. It seems like I'm such a daydreamer, but THIS IS LIFE. I'm sure it is not me the only one. there must be many-many-many people feel and undergo the same way as me.

Okay, stop talking nonsense and here is the lyrics:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A THOUSAND MILES
----------------------------
Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories

'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles

If I could
Just see you
Tonight

And I, I
Just want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't....

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you...

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you

Tonight

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The best part of lyrics that I like the most is:
It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories

Somehow I feel that the part resembles some of my stupidity. It's very often for me to feel that way and to think like that. That's why I always feel regret about it.

Well, now I like to listen to David Archuleta's version. Just imagine it. The song instrumentally is full of Piano. Then the voice of Archuleta (when he sings) that always really gives us a nuance as if we were brought to the real atmosphere and feeling. I really can't resist it. Especially when I perhaps feel very into the song (I know it sounds freak and too much).

Okay, I think that's all for this post. I hope nobody minds about what I write here.

no title

Since I have declared to start all over again about my blog, I guess now it's just all right for me to write everything I want and I feel like to write. Please don't underestimate that I will write things in wild way carelessly. No, it's so not that way. It's just now I can at least use this blog like 'a place where I can share all my feelings and thoughts'.

One of my friends told me that it's just fine not to care what others may think about us so we can be ourselves, the way who we really are. Though, him and I admitted that still it's just too easy to speak it than we experience it and feel it ourselves. Nevertheless, we (or maybe I'm the only) think it's so much better to give it a try. Beside, I also don't think that there will be anybody who will read my blog. (Hahaha).

Okay, now I forget what I wanted to write. (Oh man!!)..

Hmm, let me think first..
Okay, I have no idea. Then I will write anything.

I don't know how to say it, but it seems that I feel sad lately, or maybe feel complicated (no, it's not complicated relationship status in Facebook). It feels somehow I feel something complicated about so many things. I can't even tell what they are. Somehow these many things affect my emotions and my mind. They cause me not able to sleep lately (yes, it's insomnia). I don't know whether it's just about teenager's problem or else. Though I must admit it that some of my thoughts are just about silly teens' life, but it feels more complex.

Actually in my last year as Junior High School student, I think I also experienced the same problem as now. However, it feels different. Probably it's because now I am much older than before and more problems come to mess myself, so it becomes more complex and much more difficult. Honestly I really hate this way, but when there's no any kind of feelings I have, I feel empty. I don't know which one is better, but really I hate both.

Well, to make it simpler, let's say that I'm only a teenager so it's natural for me to be like this, and let's assume there are only two main problems as a teenager who will just end (or maybe has just ended) his last year as high school student:
1. I'm sick of ending my high school time (more about friendship actually).
2. I'm sick about love life as teenager.

Really, I cannot avoid those two problems from my life and my thought now. It's just natural as a teenager, right?

At time I write this, you can see that I'm still in insomnia mode. I can't have my sleep time well. As I write this, I'm also listening to a song. It is A THOUSAND MILES. We know that this song is actually sung by Vanessa Carlton. But now I'm not playing the song sung by her. It's David Archuleta's version that now I'm playing the music in my Windows Media Player.

Of course everyone can understand what kind of feeling that someone has when they listen to this kind of songs (well, only if you know the lyrics). I don't know what to say, but yes it's true. I feel very regret of many things in past that I did. More I think of it, more I say to myself that I'm such an idiot. How could I be so that stupid? I was supposed to understand very much that I would never have my second chance, but why was I very stupid? Couldn't I a bit realize my own situation? I had been dreaming so much about philosophy stuffs, but I couldn't make myself to do right things. Even now I don't think I have changed. I'm still as stupid as I used to be. This fact is so annoying me.

Moreover, I am an introverted person. I can't easily talk to a friend about my private problems that actually everyone can see me when something's wrong with me. I am also kind of person that always fly in my dreams of my past. It's really difficult for me to move on and step forward. I really am very afraid of losing my comfort zone. Friendship, life, and everything that makes me feel happy, I totally do not want to lose them. However, time keeps going on. I can't stop the flow of time. After everything I struggled so hard, I would end up easily blown away by the time. I am very inferior before the time.

It's again such a relief for me to write many things here, after all. I know it's not enough and nothing's about to change, but I don't think it's useless. I can only hope for everything to be all right. I just cannot follow the words "fear not" since there are still many bad things happen around. It saddens me sometime when I see something that may be irrelevant to me, but a sorrow case for others. Though I may not know who the people are, still it feels there is something affects me emotionally. Then again, I hope everything's gonna be all right.

Start All Over Again

Finally I decided to stop my cockiness starting from writing things. Honestly it's so hard for me to be this such way. And you can see this is written in English, though. It's really a proof that I can't just simply leave all my pride to be a very strict man and formal, since it feels like noblemen for me and I really love to pretend that way.

I must thank to God, or rather to my Karma and Destiny that successfully lead me to meet so many people in life, so that I can thank to these people because they have helped me to realize many things in life.

I actually must admit that the reason I decided to be this way is because of a friend of mine (let's just say his name: ER). It's not that ER persuaded me to change my style and to stop being cocky (no, it's not that way), but through his writing on his Blog, I finally realized one thing that I actually had known for long: The most beautiful one that human posses is their sincerity and humility.

Well, please don't think that I wrote on my blog not sincerely and without any humility prior to my this writing . It was just that I wrote them with too much pride of myself. Now I think that to say something I wanna really say from my deepest feeling is not something bad. I know it's like grumbling all alone to my own self, but I think it's quite a relief. People sometimes need time to talk alone and write down everything they feel and experience, don't they? I am also a human, after all.

Then what actually did happen to me so I wanna change? Well, people always change, right? Sometimes they even evolve to 'another form' of human. Okay, the answer is: I read his blog. It would not be enough if I only read it once or twice or just a very few times. It actually was times for me to read his writings. Furthermore, it's not only his. Some other people's writings also have made me make up my mind. In short, they all have inspired me through their writings.

I honestly am very afraid about what people may think and say when later they read my this writing. Uhm, you know that in Indonesia where I've been living since I was a fetus there are so many people think that to share something unimportant (especially to write it in network that many living people can read) is so annoying. Because of that I started writing my blog with some rare information so I could prevent some bad thoughts of people about my blog and in order to make them impressed with what I wrote (yes, I'm such a freaky mind).

It's okay for anyone to think I am a dishonest person. It's true, after all. I couldn't even say my true feeling at my first confession in my whole life. It must be the worst confession all over the world. I do really regret it, but now I can do nothing about it. It's so troublesome for me that I can't stop lying, even to myself. Maybe it's because I'm too much afraid of what I have to face in life. It feels like I'm trapped in my dream; I don't wanna grow up and I want to stay still child forever.

Okay, stop the life-sharing please. I only want to declare that I will try my best to start writing things in new way, like story-telling maybe, or like sharing some experience and feelings I have.

Okay, that's all. I hope I will write routinely on this blog.
For readers: just wish me luck. Thank you.