Tomorrow I will have my first exam in my college life. So damn! There are too many matters for me to study and until now I still haven't mastered them yet. I feel so stressed and don't know what to do else. For some matters I have studied, I still can't apply them to answer some case-conditional questions. I feel so useless.
Anyway, I think I have to do something special, inspirational, and incredible for the 2 years left I have in my adolescence. I just think I must have something special and out-of-the-box that I will remember for whole of my life. My adolescent life is way too not dynamic. However, I don't know what to do.
So far, I have failed in the term of romance. I played my role very bad as a guy in that aspect. I feel so helpless if it must happen again. Then I don't think I will fill my left-2-years with any romance. Beside, based on my observation and experience, romance will only cause pain. That's why I have to remove it from my list.
About friendship, I always move from one domain to another. I may have some best friends, but I'm always lacking of time to meet them. I certainly know I can't have a friendship-life like in some great movies that I always dream about. Beside, I don't think in real life there is any such as that great friendship.
Family? Hmm, I don't think anyone in my family wholeheartedly loves each other. Everything will sound like a madness when we come to talk about my family. Well, it doesn't mean we hate each other. It's just too complicated. There is no understanding at all between people in my family. I don't know why.
Somehow, I no more believe in happy ending or live happily ever after. This world is way too cruel. Too many differences that become the reason of discrimination. I no more believe in love in people's heart. Nothing is but hatred and obsession to possess things. At least it's the reality when we try to be realistic. Just try to think about, do you really think there is still any trust between people? Even between friends, family, or lover, all is only about suspicion and mistrust. All of us just trick each other, and use each other for fulfilling our desire.
So, what can I do for my left 2 years in my adolescent life? I personally really have no idea. I just think it will be very wasteful if I don't have anything special about it. Maybe academical achievement will be the answer. But so what? I will get nothing for me to pride about just because of it. Maybe people will feel so amazed about me, but then what is the use for me? I feel so clueless. Do I really have to have a monotone life just like everyone?
I have my own criterias about success. However, in my criterias, it means I will have no happiness in my life. All is only about prestige and ambition. I don't even know why I want it, what I will have by having that kind of success. My life is really so weird for me.
I only have 2 years left. After that I will continue my life to the next phase. I really really really want to feel something different than what I always do. I need a surprise and more dynamic life.
If only life were like Manga, it will be very interesting and exciting. If only every single dream could come true, it would be very beautiful.
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