2010 was a year of . . .

New Year is coming, or maybe has come at the time you are reading this. 2011, I don't know what it's gonna be like, but I 've known what 2010 has become for me. Many things to reflect on for the year 2010 I've passed. I suppose that we can see some of my journey in 2010 from this blog. Well, I started to blog in 2010, after all.

2010 was started with a lot of wishes about varsity life. I wished to be accepted in Faculty of Medicine in UI, I wished to be able to get high marks in my National Exams, I wished that I could always stay together or at least keep in touch with my best friends, I wished we could have fun together forever as usual, I wished life would become much easier and happier than 2009, and many other wishes I had back then for 2010. At last, most of the wishes I had back then were not granted.

However, I think there are a lot of things I can learn from 2010. I don't know why, but it seems 2010 is the year of learning for me, year that I started to reflect and muse a lot about my life, cultivated all experiences I did undergo then felt it and tried to fix and improve 'em all for the next days I would have. To be honest, I may think that 2010 is the year of pain and sadness, but then I know that one can become stronger after passing through all of obstacles in their life.

There were many mistakes I did in 2010. Honestly, I think most of my failure in 2010 were caused by my own laziness. I also was too cocky in socialization so that I was lacking of friends, and some people also left me. I was also too pessimistic to face this life.

A lot of things made me try to move on, made me try to stand up after I fell down, made me try to laugh no matter how sad it was that I really felt like crying, a lot of things made me learn to try to be a better person, and a lot of things made me realize this life and world better.

Learning from the yesterday really makes us understand ourselves much better, and it's somehow helpful in some ways and aspects. I, at least, has understood about what I really desire and dream for the sake of my own self.

The most stressful part in 2010 for me is that when I failed in my academic matters and when I lost my best friends, especially the best friend of best friends. Well, for the 'best friends'-thingy, is not that we became enemy for each other, but it's just I must be separated from them and unable to meet them, perhaps no more able to meet them, especially the best friend of best friends.

For academic matters, to be honest, that was the first time I failed in my whole life. That was the first time I failed to reach what I wanted. And it really made me stressed back then.

After I finished my High School time, I suddenly realized that I loved it and missed it so much. I was late to realize it that I had always thought only about my Middle School life, without being grateful enough to be in High School. I then ended up only having few of best friends, though I wholeheartedly really wanted to be friends with many others. I now learn that I need to be more grateful for everything I have in life because it's not gonna be twice to be part of my life. Once it leaves me, it's gone.

Adaptation is also someting surely hard for me. However, once we've gotten used to it, we will surely love it. And that's exactly what I've felt in Solo. You may see that I grumbled a lot at the very first time, but now I enjoy most of the life I have there (not includes academic thingy).

Happiness and sadness are only about time, they switch position everytime and we never know where time is going to lead us to.

A great loss, will result in a great finding. Everthing has their own price, and it's inevitable for world to keep rotating, switching position to one another.

I, here, want to say thanks to all of my family members, to all of my friends, to everyone that have helped me a lot in living this life, in passing through every single problem I had in life. Thanks for all of your helps to me. It means a lot to me. Saying thanks and wishing the best for you guys are the best and the only I can do. Sorry for being unable to do something better.

Goodbye 2010. Thanks a lot for every lesson you brought and gave. Thanks a lot for happiness I felt in you, 2010. I will surely miss you. For me, you are such of my 'Year of Illumination'

Because You Were Here ~ Eternal Way

KIMI GA ITA KARA (from anime --> Fullmetal Alchemist)
Sung by: Yellow Generation
(Below is the English Transation)

The day the cherryblossom fluttered down, I smiled and took a step forward
Our shoulders collided at my home station, I shook your hand and morning came as always

Light entered the classroom, the gentle sunlight carried by the wind softly wrapping us around
I took a nap around one, and remembered you, but alarm clock's chime wake me up

It's been a whle since I looked thorugh this photo album, on the last page
The words "DO YOUR BEST" stand out, even now, they motivate me

Because you were in my life, I had plenty of smiles
Because you are in my life, I can always be my own gentle self
Unchanged bonds, unfaded memories, they continue, it's the ETERNAL WAY

I wash my hands under the faucet, water splashing, a rainbow is suspended over the campus
I though, perhaps one day I could say the words I never said, it's better than not ever saying them

In the middle of a dream, I knew, the feelings I had weren't lies
but regardless of the memories, we can't blame on each other if we strayed off

Because you were in my life my heart was hot with tears
Because you are in my life, even now I can be my own gentle self
Bound by your smile, this moment will continue, it's the ETERNAL WAY

Unchanged bonds, unfaded memories, they continue, it's the ETERNAL WAY

For Stevano

For Stevano, The best friend I've ever had in life.
Thank you for being my best friend
Thank you for everything you've taught me
Thank you for everything you've given me
Good bye, take care.
I wish you luck always
I'll always pray for your dream to come true
Good Luck in USA.
________________________________________________________________
MOSHIMO KONO SEKAI DE
Hunter x Hunter Greed Island Final Ending Song
Sung by: Sunflower's Garden
(The Below is the English Translation)

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to believe in my dreams
Thank you, best of my friend

the time of departure gets closer
the separate paths for each of us
you taught me
to laugh no matter what happens

the days we understood each other is courage
I'll proudly walk down the path I believe in
even if we do become far apart
the sky is always connected

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to believe in my dreams
Thank you, best of my friend

when you feel lost someday
just remember the days we spent together
yes, even if we become adults
there should be something that remains unchanged

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to believe in my dreams
Thank you, best of my friend

the dream continues even if it may change its form like clouds
the long journey that carries me forever
is still continuing even now

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to laugh like this

if by the chance you and I had
never met in this world
I would never know how
to believe in my dreams
Thank you, best of my friend

Regrets

Have you ever wondered why you can't do something you badly want to do? have you ever thought and mused about what you really regret in life? Have you ever blamed on God why this life feels very unfair?

My dad ever said "children are taught to dream so that it will stimulate their imagination becuase imagination is important for their development, especially their brains' development".

Hearing that, I suddenly felt that adults just made a fool of the children, they lied to children. That statement means that people are not supposed to dream, because reality is not as beautiful as dream.

It's been so long time for me to find the answer whether my dad's statement is right or wrong, whether we can reach dream or not. Honestly, I still haven't found it yet.

However, I feel that I want to show my dad that he was wrong. I want to show him that I can reach every single dream I have. Either I want to be wizard, power ranger, pilot, astronout, or even king of the entire world, I want to show him that I can do everything and be everything. I believe that those who dare to dream, deserve to and can reach their dreams. I really badly want to show him that dreams are not just dreams, but the reality itself. Even the believers dream about heaven and yet they still believe in that their dream, right? That's why I will always believe in the dreams I have.

But, there is something bothering me. In fact, There are dreams I failed to reach. There are things I badly regret in life, and when I start to think about it, I feel so irritated and painful. This, again, gives me the same question: can I really reach all dreams I have though I have believed in it so hard?

Time won't repeat itself. Everyone awares of it, including me. I can do nothing about those I regret a lot. All I may be able to do now is to prevent myself from regreting any other I will pass through in life. I don't want to carry any more burden because of things I deeply regret, I really don't want to. To be honest, it feels so hurt inside here.

There are obstacles I have to face if I really want to try to fulfill all dreams I have. And I don't know whether I can pass it or not. So far, I've failed to face those obstacles, haven't I?

I failed to have youth life as most of people do. I feel I was lacking of time and chance to have my youth life as it was supposed to be like. I still want to have more happiness about my youth life with all my friends, and a lover if I could get any. However, I can't have my second chance of time to try reaching that dream. And that is my biggest regret I have ever had.

There are also things I want to do and want to be able to do, such as playing music (piano, violin, guitar, etc.), finishing my KUMON's level, winning many competition at middle school and high school, training martial arts, becoming an actor or model that has a lot of confidence, giving speech in front of people to encourage them, and many more. Unfortunately, I am such an unlucky human. They all can only be done when I was in middle school and high school, when I still had time to do so. But now, they all are no more than just dreams.

This feels unfair, very unfair. Why wasn't I given chance to do so when I still had time? Why was dream created if it wasn't meant to come true? Why did dream give so much hope and purpose for people living their life, but it wasn't meant to come true? Why do I have to suffer from regrets I have that at the very first time I didn't have chance to accomplish and reach them? Why was I told to dream a lot if, again, all dreams I have weren't meant to come true? Why is it that this life always feels so unfair?

Outside there, more people other than me who also suffer from the same pain as mine. The only thing I can say for this, is "WHY?"

I don't even know if I am still allowed to dream, or at least hope that in the afterlife later I will be given chance to reveal myself from all regrets I have now. I don't even know if there will be more regrets coming towards me. I don't even know if I will leave this life in peace because of regrets I have.

Random

So Much Dream, So Little Time
by: William Suryadiputra (from his Bio in Twitter), my schoolmate in High School, my CEF (Canisius English Forum, a Debate Club in High School)-mate...

Prayer

I just want to thank Thee, God.

Thou art one that always saves me, protects me, leads my way, and always accompanies me anytime and anywhere. Thou never leave me alone to live my life. Only in the name of Thee I can always stand up for everything I will and must face in life. Nothing is bigger than the power of Thy that always holds my either hands. I thank Thee for everything.

I know this life often feels so harsh, but I also know that when God is with me everything is beautiful. I know that often I feel sad, but I also know that when God is with me everything is happiness. I know that I often feel I can't make it through, but I also know God always can and when God is with me I also surely always can.

Through this imperfect prayer, I beg on Thee to always iluminate my mind, my heart, and my soul, so that I can always do the right things in the name of Thy, so that I can always believe in myself that I can pass through every single obstacle in my life, so that I can have have faith in myself that I can reach every single dream I have no matter how far they are.

I thank Thee for every blessing of Thy to me, for every single love Thou devote to me, for everything Thou give me that I can't count it myself because they are way too much. Please forgive me my sins that I can't obey Thee as I am supposed to.

I feel very grateful to Thee for everything happened, happens and will happen towards me, and please teach me to be able to devote my love only for Thee, one given me grace in life.

something about December

yesterday was the 2nd Sunday of the Advent, means Christmas is so close to come before us in this December 2010. It's the time that has been waited by so many people around the world, including me and some of my friends.

Unfortunately, on this Christmas, I can't go home cause on the 28 I will have my exam. Well, then I have to study in my Christmas holiday. so pitiful, isn't it?

However, it seems that I'll celebrate Christmas together with some of my friends in this Solo. I don't know how it will turn out like, maybe just some pray, or gathering with some sharing together to one another, or maybe going out for dinner, or anything. I just hope it will be impressive as Christmas is supposed to be.

Nevertheless, when Christmas is about to come, means that New Year is about to come too. I suppose that I will have to get some resolution for the new year, the 2011. I still haven't decided yet what my resolution(s) is / are going to be, but I think it will be more about the way I manage my life, my feeling, my thought, my emotion, my time, and my relation with others such as family, friends, and anyone. I don't know if I will think also about my spiritual life. It's not because either I don't care or I feel it's already enough, but it's actually because I simply have no idea and clue about what I must do about it. I think if it comes to spiritual life, then it's not something we have to decide, but more to feel in our very own life.

In conclusion, I simply wish this Christmas will be something memorable in my life, and I wish there will be some betterment for all and for everything in the new year that's going to come.

My Debate Life

Despite of my broken heart, I would like to share a little bit about my "DEBATE LIFE", that a week ago I joined debate competition in Jogjakarta and you know what?? I won the 1st runner up position which means I proceed it to the Grand Final.

I really enjoyed the debate I finally could have it again in my life. The first practice I had for preparation for the competition, somehow it drove me going crazy about debate as I had used to be. Well, of course the best part was in the competition itself. I did enjoy it so much. It really reminded me to the time of my Debate Life in CC. I suppose that I managed to perform quite well in the competition though I know it wasn't my best since the practice was also not optimal.

I feel so grateful that I learnt about debate from CC, that really has made me able to have some skills of debate that I'm sure others don't have. Well, in the competition itself I managed to be the 9th best speaker among all debaters joined the competition.

However, I understand that I may be good only among debaters in this region (Jogjakarta and Central Java), but when it must come to Jakarta and Bandung, I will even be no in a piece. That's why I tell myself to have practice even more, to be better even more, to be able being one of the best debaters even more, so that I will be able to compete in higher levels even more.

Nevertheless, I now have 2 short term targets in my Debate Life, first is that I must be able to join the national level of competition (and of course I have to be one of the best debaters too there), and second is that I must become adjudicator so I can join the room Adjudicator's Hall; and also I can become a coach for high school debaters (the main reason is to get paid). I know I can, I know I will.

Speaking of the competition held in Jogjakarta, that city really reminded me of Jakarta I used to live there when I was in High School. I really miss Jakarta so much. The light, the traffic jam, the skyscraper buildings, the crowd, and of course the sparkling life there. I really miss Jakarta. I hope one day I can return to Jakarta to have my lovely life there once more, together with all of my lovely best friends.