I finally think that I cannot make my daily reflection. It's not that I can write all things about my life story for everyday, right? But I think I'm still able to make at least weekly or anytime I have time to do so. As I said in my previous note, it's so useful and helpful to make a reflection about what we've passed through in life. It can make us feel so much better and relieved after all problems we faced in life. Moreover, we at last will realize that we still have something to thank in our life, something that can give us hope to survive, a reason to live our life.
It may be weird that I suddenly decided to write my reflection in facebook's notes (when I usually put this down in my personal writing-place). I don't even know if there is any particular reason I have that now I make it here. I think it's just I feel to do so then I just do. Anyway, sorry if this is such a trouble for anyone think it's annoying since this will appear on your home. Please just delete/hide away the note if you feel like to do so.
I just don't understand the way this world and this universe work. I really don't get it how things can be this way or that way. I did pray for something forbidden wholeheartedly and I wished hard for it, but at last I realized that it's just a mistake of me. So I then decided to stop, but don't know why now it seems God is making it to happen. I'm so amazed personally, and happy I think. It's like my pray is answered at the time I try to stop, at the time I runaway that I think it's for all's goodness. However, now I'm just confused about what I must do. I no more know to stop or to keep it the way I previously wished it to turn out like. I don't know whether to step forward or back.
But at least, now I do understand the phrase: "If we wish hard, the dreams can become true". Whether it's the power of the wish itself or the blessing of God to answer our pray, dreams and impossible things can really turn into reality. Life is very unique, huh?
I'm lately listening to some songs that somehow it's like giving me a courage to hope for things I'm not supposed to hope. I know music really plays a mind trick (just like Jammie Cullum says so), but I think I can only get drowned into some songs that I feel the same emotion and nuance at the time. So I suppose that we will only listen to the song that we are really into.
I notice that right now my life is going to be much more difficult in any aspect. Well let's say the academic aspect as example. Now it's not that I can procrastinate to study. The lessons are no more as easy as before. I need to do something about this. Especially since the schedule becomes very full (practicum + lab. activity + too many examinations + and so on and so on). It seems that I will be lacking of time to live my life at that rate. Nevertheless, it's not the only aspect (Oh Gosh!). I know I gotta do something about this. I just haven't found it yet, but I will.
Work Hard - Play Hard. Now it's my motto in life. I need to work hard in order to accomplish my goal, but still I need to play hard so that I can let go of fatigue I have in life. I think it's now the best way I can do to survive at my current circumstances. I don't need to explain how I manage to work hard and play hard, since I know it's way too out of people's mind that I really do 'unbelieveable things' to work hard and play hard. However, at least for now I think I can reach my target without being too much depressed by applying my this kind of 'work hard play hard'.
All I can do is to do what I believe and think is right, then try to do my best on it. I don't know whether it's going to result in goodness or not, but I can always believe in God to give the best in my life, so that I need not worry about what I'll face.
Friday 29 October 2010
#1 from my facebook's notes
I now realize how important reflection is. I quite regret that I used to underestimate it when I was in High School. If there will be any chance, I would like to apologize to Father Sigit who was the Father of Moderator when I was in High School that I always didn't make my daily reflection.
Well, by making a daily reflection, so that we can really understand and realize how exactly God appears and help us in our life. It's very logic that if we don't even understand and concious that God is always with us, we can't be so thankful for every single blessing He Himself has given us. And yes, if we don't feel thankful for what we have in life, everytime we feel and think is always that we are lacking of fulfillment of needs, lacking of luck or fortune in life, and we will feel that God has never been fair enough to us.
Grumbling, Blaming on others or something but ourselves, are always what we end up with at this rate. At last, so many negative thoughts about life will prey our soul and spiritual life so that we then end up lost. Truthfully, this is exactly what I feel or I've ever felt about myself, and what I see and I've seen so far from my surroundings right now. Well, that's true that this life is full of pain and sadness, but I remember that Kahlil Gibran ever said that Happiness has no meaning if there's no sadness.
Actually it doesn't mean that I now feel desperate or else, it's just I feel so many problems come before my eyes, and I see others also face the same situation as I do. I just suddenly realize that at least writing things can be cery helpful for facing problems. It can get our mind a bit relaxed and make us feel a bit calm. And I suppose that the good writing can be a daily reflection about what we receive in life.
I personally can't tell about my matters here openly, it's way way way too private (that's why I never share my story to others, because only the very big deals can mess up my mind). But here I can say that it feels too difficult to bear than what people usually experience ( I swear). However, as it is said that there's no temptation God gives us when there's no way for us to overcome it. Well, I do believe it. Beside, until now I'm given chance to breathe, to type words at this note, so I'm sure God does have a good plan about me.
I believe that He will never ever ever leave me alone walking on this land. He will always be there for everyone no matter who it is. And I know it's very normal for people to have problems in life, and they get more difficult and more complicated as people are growing up and getting older. Sometimes we also have to understand that by passing by the hard pathway, we can learn to be wiser for the tomorrow.
I finally find myself in the same situation just like anyone, feeling dumped, dissappointed, broken heart, feeling rejected, angry, hating others, and many more. I'm very just a human. Everysingle negative feeling I have received so far since I don't know the first time I thought I felt them (in this case), really makes me feel so down. Well, people always feel so down, right? and I am part of the people, so it's okay for me to be this way, I think.
In conclusion, I just wanna say I thank You God, You've given me so many people love me, so many things I can possess, and so many blessings I receive so that I can survive until now. I know You've taken care of me though I'm not such a good boy as too many sins I've made in life compared to my goodness. You're way too kind to me when I can only make this a little reflection as my thanks to You. I know it's not my place to ask You for more when You've blessed me with everything, but I beg on You one thing, for what makes me feel not fine (in this case), please help me to find the best solution. You're the only One knows what is the best for me. I may expect anything, but You the One decide. I'll try my best as myself not someone else, and the rest depends on You.
Special Additional thanks to:
1. CC
2. Someone who suggests me to write things about a little reflection about God's role in my life.
Well, by making a daily reflection, so that we can really understand and realize how exactly God appears and help us in our life. It's very logic that if we don't even understand and concious that God is always with us, we can't be so thankful for every single blessing He Himself has given us. And yes, if we don't feel thankful for what we have in life, everytime we feel and think is always that we are lacking of fulfillment of needs, lacking of luck or fortune in life, and we will feel that God has never been fair enough to us.
Grumbling, Blaming on others or something but ourselves, are always what we end up with at this rate. At last, so many negative thoughts about life will prey our soul and spiritual life so that we then end up lost. Truthfully, this is exactly what I feel or I've ever felt about myself, and what I see and I've seen so far from my surroundings right now. Well, that's true that this life is full of pain and sadness, but I remember that Kahlil Gibran ever said that Happiness has no meaning if there's no sadness.
Actually it doesn't mean that I now feel desperate or else, it's just I feel so many problems come before my eyes, and I see others also face the same situation as I do. I just suddenly realize that at least writing things can be cery helpful for facing problems. It can get our mind a bit relaxed and make us feel a bit calm. And I suppose that the good writing can be a daily reflection about what we receive in life.
I personally can't tell about my matters here openly, it's way way way too private (that's why I never share my story to others, because only the very big deals can mess up my mind). But here I can say that it feels too difficult to bear than what people usually experience ( I swear). However, as it is said that there's no temptation God gives us when there's no way for us to overcome it. Well, I do believe it. Beside, until now I'm given chance to breathe, to type words at this note, so I'm sure God does have a good plan about me.
I believe that He will never ever ever leave me alone walking on this land. He will always be there for everyone no matter who it is. And I know it's very normal for people to have problems in life, and they get more difficult and more complicated as people are growing up and getting older. Sometimes we also have to understand that by passing by the hard pathway, we can learn to be wiser for the tomorrow.
I finally find myself in the same situation just like anyone, feeling dumped, dissappointed, broken heart, feeling rejected, angry, hating others, and many more. I'm very just a human. Everysingle negative feeling I have received so far since I don't know the first time I thought I felt them (in this case), really makes me feel so down. Well, people always feel so down, right? and I am part of the people, so it's okay for me to be this way, I think.
In conclusion, I just wanna say I thank You God, You've given me so many people love me, so many things I can possess, and so many blessings I receive so that I can survive until now. I know You've taken care of me though I'm not such a good boy as too many sins I've made in life compared to my goodness. You're way too kind to me when I can only make this a little reflection as my thanks to You. I know it's not my place to ask You for more when You've blessed me with everything, but I beg on You one thing, for what makes me feel not fine (in this case), please help me to find the best solution. You're the only One knows what is the best for me. I may expect anything, but You the One decide. I'll try my best as myself not someone else, and the rest depends on You.
Special Additional thanks to:
1. CC
2. Someone who suggests me to write things about a little reflection about God's role in my life.
Sunday 24 October 2010
F life
Fall in love again. Friendship again. Things are way way way so sloppy. I'm in college now but things seem like in High school, or perhaps Middle School. SO TEENAGERS!!!!
It started with others who shared their story (read: love life story) to me, then I felt so drowned into the story, and then the same mistake happened. The emphaty starts to be realized in my life. Probably I can blame on the law of attraction.
Well, as because I know this feeling is so wrong, I then always pray to God for getting me rid of this nuance. This is such a bad situation for me. I hope for it to happen, but I pray I can get rid of this. What an inconsistent life, right?
I don't know what else I have to do. I think I'm just stuck with a repetitive circumstances. This should stop. But how? I'm clueless.
I met someone. Let's say the name of this someone is A. I don't know what's made me to feel so missing A every second. We send messages (sms) almost everyday and most of the messages are not important, honestly. However, it makes me feel happy.
I can't imagine what A will think about me if A oneday finds out about what I feel towards, and once again I say, it's because this love is wrong.
Actually I think I'm supposed not to write this on my blog, because it will be so dangerous for me if someone read this. But, I can't just keep silent and pretend that nothing is wrong, can I? This burden has already made me stressed. It's way too heavy. So writing is the best thing I can do to make me a bit relaxed.
I just got a message from A some moments ago. A said that in the pray, A always ask God to take care of me. Maybe it's actually purposed as just a motivation for me, but still it makes me hoping.
Time to time, this just gets worse. God, I really don't know what I have to pray and ask to You about this anymore. I'm totally confused. I'm beggin on You, please give me an answer. I feel so lost. or maybe if I'm on the right track, this track is one I disklike.
on the next few days, I will have exam, exams actually (more than one). But this has made me gone mad. I can't focus or concentrate to study. This really turns me crazy.
FYI, this is the third sun in my life. I don't even understand why I always end up havin a crush with the sun. Maybe because I'm too lunar, huh?
For some readers, I'm sure this is too abstract for you to understand. But that's good if you don't get it. and just don't get it. don't.
Well, to be more specific, what exactly makes me now really mad, is because few days ago A made me realized that I'm not the special one for A. A has someone else which A dearly loves. At that time, I felt so down. And now I'm still feeling so down. The worst of this is that I suddenly feel like indulging myself with food nonstop. I keep feeling to eat again and again. Maybe it's because I'm so sad for what happened to me, but usually at this rate I won't wanna have anything to eat. This is so weird now. I feel like I'm a different person, I'm not myself. (maybe I'm way too exaggerative about this, but it's what I'm thinking and feeling. if you are troubled with this, just close the window).
Maybe I need to imitate the main character in Eat Pray Love. I'm stressed feel broken heart, so I gotta go somewhere I can keep indulging myself with food over and over again, then I can go praying in India (having a peaceful and calm circumstances there to meditate and pray). The last maybe I can find a way for my love life. That would be the best solution for everything for me.
Well, speaking of which, I don't believe in happy ending. Life never has its ending, right? Life goes on. We don't know where and when it's already tired to continue its journey. So I really don't hope for a happy ending about this. I just wish this could reach the best plot and scenario. However, as I also don't know about my script, and as I just play it spontaneously with my instinct, am I allowed to wish for the best? can I?
F u life. F u rules. F u right and wrong. F u love. F u F u F u F u.... I feel so messy, I feel so stressed, I feel so damn.
It started with others who shared their story (read: love life story) to me, then I felt so drowned into the story, and then the same mistake happened. The emphaty starts to be realized in my life. Probably I can blame on the law of attraction.
Well, as because I know this feeling is so wrong, I then always pray to God for getting me rid of this nuance. This is such a bad situation for me. I hope for it to happen, but I pray I can get rid of this. What an inconsistent life, right?
I don't know what else I have to do. I think I'm just stuck with a repetitive circumstances. This should stop. But how? I'm clueless.
I met someone. Let's say the name of this someone is A. I don't know what's made me to feel so missing A every second. We send messages (sms) almost everyday and most of the messages are not important, honestly. However, it makes me feel happy.
I can't imagine what A will think about me if A oneday finds out about what I feel towards, and once again I say, it's because this love is wrong.
Actually I think I'm supposed not to write this on my blog, because it will be so dangerous for me if someone read this. But, I can't just keep silent and pretend that nothing is wrong, can I? This burden has already made me stressed. It's way too heavy. So writing is the best thing I can do to make me a bit relaxed.
I just got a message from A some moments ago. A said that in the pray, A always ask God to take care of me. Maybe it's actually purposed as just a motivation for me, but still it makes me hoping.
Time to time, this just gets worse. God, I really don't know what I have to pray and ask to You about this anymore. I'm totally confused. I'm beggin on You, please give me an answer. I feel so lost. or maybe if I'm on the right track, this track is one I disklike.
on the next few days, I will have exam, exams actually (more than one). But this has made me gone mad. I can't focus or concentrate to study. This really turns me crazy.
FYI, this is the third sun in my life. I don't even understand why I always end up havin a crush with the sun. Maybe because I'm too lunar, huh?
For some readers, I'm sure this is too abstract for you to understand. But that's good if you don't get it. and just don't get it. don't.
Well, to be more specific, what exactly makes me now really mad, is because few days ago A made me realized that I'm not the special one for A. A has someone else which A dearly loves. At that time, I felt so down. And now I'm still feeling so down. The worst of this is that I suddenly feel like indulging myself with food nonstop. I keep feeling to eat again and again. Maybe it's because I'm so sad for what happened to me, but usually at this rate I won't wanna have anything to eat. This is so weird now. I feel like I'm a different person, I'm not myself. (maybe I'm way too exaggerative about this, but it's what I'm thinking and feeling. if you are troubled with this, just close the window).
Maybe I need to imitate the main character in Eat Pray Love. I'm stressed feel broken heart, so I gotta go somewhere I can keep indulging myself with food over and over again, then I can go praying in India (having a peaceful and calm circumstances there to meditate and pray). The last maybe I can find a way for my love life. That would be the best solution for everything for me.
Well, speaking of which, I don't believe in happy ending. Life never has its ending, right? Life goes on. We don't know where and when it's already tired to continue its journey. So I really don't hope for a happy ending about this. I just wish this could reach the best plot and scenario. However, as I also don't know about my script, and as I just play it spontaneously with my instinct, am I allowed to wish for the best? can I?
F u life. F u rules. F u right and wrong. F u love. F u F u F u F u.... I feel so messy, I feel so stressed, I feel so damn.
Monday 18 October 2010
#2 Me right now
It's hard for me to say anything what's in my mind, but it's also hard for me to just keep silent and do nothing to try getting myself better. It's not that every single thing happen to me is bad and sadness. I also have a lot of happiness here, but as we ever heard, 'the more happiness we have, the more sadness we also have'.
I don't know which one I have to tell first, happiness or sadness. Well, apparently I don't even know what exactly makes me feel sad or upset. I somehow just feel sad without any particular reason. Maybe it's because of the premonition I lately got, a bad premonition. I'm so afraid of having this kind of premonition. Especially as a diviner, we can do nothing about what we foresee. It makes me feel bad.
I got some bad news about what happens to this world, and also to some my friends. They somehow experienced things that made them sad. Somehow I feel like I'm connected to them that I also feel their sadness. The worst is that lately there are so many accidents happen around me. It makes me feel even more afraid.
Fortunately, I have so many good friends here. This is very weird because usually I can't get along with people that easily. But here, things are different. I can be friends with many people very easily. I'm even confused why I can be this different. I'm so thankful to God that I am blessed with so much love here. Maybe I'm a little luckier than some my highschool friends. Some of them seem that they have a difficulty in socializing with some people in university. I think it's because that my surroundings are even much better than theirs. I have many good seniors here. They really help me a lot either in academic matter, or in socialization. I really feel like I have a family here.
I ain't gonna talk about any academic problem. academic stuffs will never be a big deal in life, at least not as big as any other aspects.
Friday 15 October 2010
My bad, Please forgive me.
I feel so guilty. This is terribly my bad. My selfishness has resulted things in decay. I'm so afraid if that person will end up hating me. I'm really afraid of that the person will never ever forgive me for what I did, and for what I lied to. I feel so wrong upon the person.
Please, forgive me, please don't hate me. It's better for me to die than you hate me. I don't mean to mess up all things. I'm so begging you. Please.
I don't know what else I can do to fix everything. I'm way too stupid. I'm selfish. I know that I did not care about your and others' feeling. I'm so sorry. I really regret it. I really feel like crying.
God, please help me. Please forgive my sin. I know I will have to pay my Karma, but please don't let me down. I'm begging You, God.
I'm even afraid to hope. I'm even way too afraid to talk to you. Please, don't hate me.
Please, forgive me, please don't hate me. It's better for me to die than you hate me. I don't mean to mess up all things. I'm so begging you. Please.
I don't know what else I can do to fix everything. I'm way too stupid. I'm selfish. I know that I did not care about your and others' feeling. I'm so sorry. I really regret it. I really feel like crying.
God, please help me. Please forgive my sin. I know I will have to pay my Karma, but please don't let me down. I'm begging You, God.
I'm even afraid to hope. I'm even way too afraid to talk to you. Please, don't hate me.
Sunday 3 October 2010
Today, October 3rd 2010
Yesterday I went to Solo Square (a mall in Solo) hanging out with my friends. We had karaoke time, lunch, and a little shopping in hypermart solo square. Unfortunately I left my bag in hypermart. So today I came back to solo square again to take it back.
Well, it's not that I just came then went home. I really used this chance to hang out alone with my own self as well as I always dreamed. And it felt so beautiful.
I departed at 9 a.m. I arrived at solo square at around 10. I then went buying a very great classic story novel that I really missed the story. I used to watch the anime about that story when I was very a child. Then I had my lunch. After lunch, I thought I wanted to directly have coffee time, but as I stared to the games, then I played para-para dance and time crisis. After that, I went to excelso to have my coffe time here.
Now as I am blogging, I am still having my coffee time at excelso. I know this all means that I spent too much money just for today. Maybe I won't be able to feed myself for the next days. Hahaha. But I think it's like God answering my pray that I've always hoped for this long time.
Honestly, I really have no idea about my financial condition for tomorrow. Let me do the best, and God do the rest.
(I hope I won't suddenly be a scavenger just because of today. May tomorrow I will stil have money).
Well, it's not that I just came then went home. I really used this chance to hang out alone with my own self as well as I always dreamed. And it felt so beautiful.
I departed at 9 a.m. I arrived at solo square at around 10. I then went buying a very great classic story novel that I really missed the story. I used to watch the anime about that story when I was very a child. Then I had my lunch. After lunch, I thought I wanted to directly have coffee time, but as I stared to the games, then I played para-para dance and time crisis. After that, I went to excelso to have my coffe time here.
Now as I am blogging, I am still having my coffee time at excelso. I know this all means that I spent too much money just for today. Maybe I won't be able to feed myself for the next days. Hahaha. But I think it's like God answering my pray that I've always hoped for this long time.
Honestly, I really have no idea about my financial condition for tomorrow. Let me do the best, and God do the rest.
(I hope I won't suddenly be a scavenger just because of today. May tomorrow I will stil have money).
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