Tomorrow I will have my first exam in my college life. So damn! There are too many matters for me to study and until now I still haven't mastered them yet. I feel so stressed and don't know what to do else. For some matters I have studied, I still can't apply them to answer some case-conditional questions. I feel so useless.
Anyway, I think I have to do something special, inspirational, and incredible for the 2 years left I have in my adolescence. I just think I must have something special and out-of-the-box that I will remember for whole of my life. My adolescent life is way too not dynamic. However, I don't know what to do.
So far, I have failed in the term of romance. I played my role very bad as a guy in that aspect. I feel so helpless if it must happen again. Then I don't think I will fill my left-2-years with any romance. Beside, based on my observation and experience, romance will only cause pain. That's why I have to remove it from my list.
About friendship, I always move from one domain to another. I may have some best friends, but I'm always lacking of time to meet them. I certainly know I can't have a friendship-life like in some great movies that I always dream about. Beside, I don't think in real life there is any such as that great friendship.
Family? Hmm, I don't think anyone in my family wholeheartedly loves each other. Everything will sound like a madness when we come to talk about my family. Well, it doesn't mean we hate each other. It's just too complicated. There is no understanding at all between people in my family. I don't know why.
Somehow, I no more believe in happy ending or live happily ever after. This world is way too cruel. Too many differences that become the reason of discrimination. I no more believe in love in people's heart. Nothing is but hatred and obsession to possess things. At least it's the reality when we try to be realistic. Just try to think about, do you really think there is still any trust between people? Even between friends, family, or lover, all is only about suspicion and mistrust. All of us just trick each other, and use each other for fulfilling our desire.
So, what can I do for my left 2 years in my adolescent life? I personally really have no idea. I just think it will be very wasteful if I don't have anything special about it. Maybe academical achievement will be the answer. But so what? I will get nothing for me to pride about just because of it. Maybe people will feel so amazed about me, but then what is the use for me? I feel so clueless. Do I really have to have a monotone life just like everyone?
I have my own criterias about success. However, in my criterias, it means I will have no happiness in my life. All is only about prestige and ambition. I don't even know why I want it, what I will have by having that kind of success. My life is really so weird for me.
I only have 2 years left. After that I will continue my life to the next phase. I really really really want to feel something different than what I always do. I need a surprise and more dynamic life.
If only life were like Manga, it will be very interesting and exciting. If only every single dream could come true, it would be very beautiful.
Thursday 30 September 2010
Saturday 25 September 2010
MY SALAD DAYS
MY SALAD DAYS, WHEN I WAS GREEN IN A JUDGEMENT
currently I'm making (writing) a story about my life in middle and high school. Well right now it's still a story about every single best friend I've ever had and it's not finished yet, but I think later I will write my really complete story for the whole my beautiful 6 years.
Come to remember about my life in middle and high school, I suddenly remember about a comic called SALAD DAYS. The comic tells every single love and friendship story of many teenagers, green teenagers. At the end of the story, there is a good quote which is taken from a theatrical drama story created by William Shakespeare called ANTHONY AND CLEOPATRA. The quote is as you read in my opening of this post. "My Salad Days, When I was Green in a Judgement". Based on the script, it is said by Cleopatra.
I somehow now admit myself as a very old person, or at least an old teenager. I'm 18 right now and in the next 2 years I'll be 20, which means in next 2 years I'll be no more a teenager. Even it's now kinda legal for me to watch porn (it's legal here for 18). I'm so surprised how old myself is.
Nevertheless, when lately I look myself on the mirror on the wall, I realize that the wrinkles on my face have increased. I'm surely getting old. At the first time I noticed, I felt so scared of getting old. However, now I feel that I admit it. I probably enjoy myself getting older, physically and mentally.
Getting older is unavoidable.
Now when I try to remember about my salad days and to read some posts I wrote, I feel a little weird and funny. I don't know why. I also wonder if I really ever felt that way or really ever was like that. Well, I don't mean about being mature or stuffs, but maybe I just feel different.
Honestly, one thing I'm sure of is that I still remember how this chest was pounding a lot at the time I was that green. Something that always bothered my mind and feeling that I felt worried and unrelaxed. Now I no more feel that way. No more that nervous, and never.
I think I miss how I used to be so stupid, or I was so nervous of something I didn't know. it's not that I miss the nuance or the moment, but I miss the former me. I think being 'green' is quite funny, quite unique. It's something that no other terms of life will ever have and experience. However, I don't mean that now I want to turn back time. I don't know what reason has made me feel all right with my condition right now (since before I didn't feel fine at all). I can enjoy my life now and show a smile, it's really not hard to do (at least right now, but I hope it will be forever).
I suppose that everone's salad days are beautiful. I guess oneday when I have become a real adult with good maturity, I will show a big smile as I look at many other new teenagers that will remind me about my former me. and as Cleopatra, I spontaneously will say "My Salad Days, When I was Green in a Judgement".
currently I'm making (writing) a story about my life in middle and high school. Well right now it's still a story about every single best friend I've ever had and it's not finished yet, but I think later I will write my really complete story for the whole my beautiful 6 years.
Come to remember about my life in middle and high school, I suddenly remember about a comic called SALAD DAYS. The comic tells every single love and friendship story of many teenagers, green teenagers. At the end of the story, there is a good quote which is taken from a theatrical drama story created by William Shakespeare called ANTHONY AND CLEOPATRA. The quote is as you read in my opening of this post. "My Salad Days, When I was Green in a Judgement". Based on the script, it is said by Cleopatra.
I somehow now admit myself as a very old person, or at least an old teenager. I'm 18 right now and in the next 2 years I'll be 20, which means in next 2 years I'll be no more a teenager. Even it's now kinda legal for me to watch porn (it's legal here for 18). I'm so surprised how old myself is.
Nevertheless, when lately I look myself on the mirror on the wall, I realize that the wrinkles on my face have increased. I'm surely getting old. At the first time I noticed, I felt so scared of getting old. However, now I feel that I admit it. I probably enjoy myself getting older, physically and mentally.
Getting older is unavoidable.
Now when I try to remember about my salad days and to read some posts I wrote, I feel a little weird and funny. I don't know why. I also wonder if I really ever felt that way or really ever was like that. Well, I don't mean about being mature or stuffs, but maybe I just feel different.
Honestly, one thing I'm sure of is that I still remember how this chest was pounding a lot at the time I was that green. Something that always bothered my mind and feeling that I felt worried and unrelaxed. Now I no more feel that way. No more that nervous, and never.
I think I miss how I used to be so stupid, or I was so nervous of something I didn't know. it's not that I miss the nuance or the moment, but I miss the former me. I think being 'green' is quite funny, quite unique. It's something that no other terms of life will ever have and experience. However, I don't mean that now I want to turn back time. I don't know what reason has made me feel all right with my condition right now (since before I didn't feel fine at all). I can enjoy my life now and show a smile, it's really not hard to do (at least right now, but I hope it will be forever).
I suppose that everone's salad days are beautiful. I guess oneday when I have become a real adult with good maturity, I will show a big smile as I look at many other new teenagers that will remind me about my former me. and as Cleopatra, I spontaneously will say "My Salad Days, When I was Green in a Judgement".
Tuesday 21 September 2010
Me right now
less than two weeks more I will face my first test in college. I'm a little bit worried because I don't know what it'll be like, though I have had the samples of test's question of last year. I'm afraid if I can't succeed in this examination, especially since my senior here told me that it would be an easy test (as his GPA was 3.8).
I expect a lot from myself that I want to be able to get a good GPA too, but I still haven't prepared for the test when others have been. As usual, I'm way too lazy to study. I know it's so bad of me.
Lately I'm also thinking about what clubs and organizations I exactly have to join. There are 5 clubs / organizations I apparently want to join, but I know I can't join all of them. I have to choose them most suitable ones for me and my time. However, it's really hard to decide. I really hope God will lead my way and show me the way.
Don't know why, I suddenly think about the future of mine being a doctor. Is it really the future I want, or the future others want from me? I somehow doubt all of things happen upon me whether they really suit me or not. Honestly, I don't even know what I really want.
Here, in Solo, I've met some very good and great people. I'm so thankful that I can meet them. Fate is so beautiful. I do really believe that what God has decided for me is the best for me. Though it's hard to live my life here when the sun is shining too bright and warm, but when it's cloudy, the sky looks so beautiful and it feels so good to be here.
I expect a lot from myself that I want to be able to get a good GPA too, but I still haven't prepared for the test when others have been. As usual, I'm way too lazy to study. I know it's so bad of me.
Lately I'm also thinking about what clubs and organizations I exactly have to join. There are 5 clubs / organizations I apparently want to join, but I know I can't join all of them. I have to choose them most suitable ones for me and my time. However, it's really hard to decide. I really hope God will lead my way and show me the way.
Don't know why, I suddenly think about the future of mine being a doctor. Is it really the future I want, or the future others want from me? I somehow doubt all of things happen upon me whether they really suit me or not. Honestly, I don't even know what I really want.
Here, in Solo, I've met some very good and great people. I'm so thankful that I can meet them. Fate is so beautiful. I do really believe that what God has decided for me is the best for me. Though it's hard to live my life here when the sun is shining too bright and warm, but when it's cloudy, the sky looks so beautiful and it feels so good to be here.
Friday 17 September 2010
To Look Forward and Move On
I personally would like to thank 2 of my best friends that have just made me realizing to understand that I'm no more a child, that I'm now really too old to dream. Thanks Monika June and Stevano. I think now I can move forward, don't mean to throw away my past, but to save all memories I have in the box of heart, to understand that memories are memories, they are better to be kept as they are. As I have ever heard, Things are more precious if they are placed where they are supposed to be. And now I can assure myself if it's also better for me to be as I am supposed to be, so that I can feel that I am worth the price.
On Monday, September, 13th of 2010, I hanged out with them in Bogor. Well, we used to hang out together when we were in middle school, when they were a couple of lovers. We really missed the moment we had in middle school.
FYI, somehow I'm sure it's my last chance to meet Stevano, since he's going to go to US for his study in the middle of this December. I feel so sorry about it because he is my really first best friend I found in Middle School, and because of him many beautiful things happened upon me.
No photos we took, just talked and had chit-chat. We looked around, we looked to the faces of us one another, we realized that changes had happened to us were all true, inevitable. When we came to remember our golden times in Middle School, we turned out quiet to know how long so much we had passed by this life.
And yes, that is certainly what made me understand, and now I understand. All I can do now is to keep alive, to live my life. No matter how hard it's gonna turn out, I just can't runaway. Maybe it's true that this life is monotone, but maybe it can be precious for everyone because it has an end, so that we will try hard our best to make it beautiful to be remembered, make it too much beautiful to be missed.
Maybe if fate allows me to meet again oneday with everyone I dearly miss, then we all can meet. Now I just can hope deeply in my heart and to keep the memories I've made with everyone safe in my treasures box.
On Monday, September, 13th of 2010, I hanged out with them in Bogor. Well, we used to hang out together when we were in middle school, when they were a couple of lovers. We really missed the moment we had in middle school.
FYI, somehow I'm sure it's my last chance to meet Stevano, since he's going to go to US for his study in the middle of this December. I feel so sorry about it because he is my really first best friend I found in Middle School, and because of him many beautiful things happened upon me.
No photos we took, just talked and had chit-chat. We looked around, we looked to the faces of us one another, we realized that changes had happened to us were all true, inevitable. When we came to remember our golden times in Middle School, we turned out quiet to know how long so much we had passed by this life.
And yes, that is certainly what made me understand, and now I understand. All I can do now is to keep alive, to live my life. No matter how hard it's gonna turn out, I just can't runaway. Maybe it's true that this life is monotone, but maybe it can be precious for everyone because it has an end, so that we will try hard our best to make it beautiful to be remembered, make it too much beautiful to be missed.
Maybe if fate allows me to meet again oneday with everyone I dearly miss, then we all can meet. Now I just can hope deeply in my heart and to keep the memories I've made with everyone safe in my treasures box.
Monday 13 September 2010
100 points
1. disappointed
2. feel like forgotten
3. forgotten
4. neglected
5. I think I'll quit
6. I know must quit
7. Goodbye
8. start all over again
9. tired
10. no more time
11. the last
12. random
13. alone
14. lonely
15. only meet 2
16. future
17. must be prepared
18. get prepared
19. never prepared
20. miss
21. loss
22. movie
23. tv series
24. mall
25. sleep
26. boring
27. hot / warm
28. fashion
29. mind
30. book
31. twitter
32. internet
33. parted
34. separated
35. forgetting
36. long-haired
36. never remain the same
37. time
38. change
39. old
40. childhood
41. adolescence
42. teen
43. family
44. friends
45. fate
46. middle school
47. high school
48. university
49. faculty of medicine or medical faculty?
50. life
51. slightly or rapidly?
52. debate
53. new
54. birthday
55. study
56. Bogor
57. Jakarta
58. hometown
59. facebook
60. music
61. religion / belief
62. piano
63. guitar
64. heart
65. music
66. food
67. individually
68. hard
69. room
70. train
71. far and hours
72. play
73. problem
74. history
75. name
76. no song
77. theme
78. literature
79. PC
80. laptop
81. jazz
82. finance
83. memories
84. no more than just memories
85. manga
86. anime
87. thank you for everything
88. quotes
89. l'arc en ciel
90. 10 more to go
91. sadness and happiness
92. birthday
93. chatting
94. campus
95. 5 more to go
96. meditation
97. spirit
98. coincidence = fate
99. transportation and walking
100. and many more
2. feel like forgotten
3. forgotten
4. neglected
5. I think I'll quit
6. I know must quit
7. Goodbye
8. start all over again
9. tired
10. no more time
11. the last
12. random
13. alone
14. lonely
15. only meet 2
16. future
17. must be prepared
18. get prepared
19. never prepared
20. miss
21. loss
22. movie
23. tv series
24. mall
25. sleep
26. boring
27. hot / warm
28. fashion
29. mind
30. book
31. twitter
32. internet
33. parted
34. separated
35. forgetting
36. long-haired
36. never remain the same
37. time
38. change
39. old
40. childhood
41. adolescence
42. teen
43. family
44. friends
45. fate
46. middle school
47. high school
48. university
49. faculty of medicine or medical faculty?
50. life
51. slightly or rapidly?
52. debate
53. new
54. birthday
55. study
56. Bogor
57. Jakarta
58. hometown
59. facebook
60. music
61. religion / belief
62. piano
63. guitar
64. heart
65. music
66. food
67. individually
68. hard
69. room
70. train
71. far and hours
72. play
73. problem
74. history
75. name
76. no song
77. theme
78. literature
79. PC
80. laptop
81. jazz
82. finance
83. memories
84. no more than just memories
85. manga
86. anime
87. thank you for everything
88. quotes
89. l'arc en ciel
90. 10 more to go
91. sadness and happiness
92. birthday
93. chatting
94. campus
95. 5 more to go
96. meditation
97. spirit
98. coincidence = fate
99. transportation and walking
100. and many more
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