I think we have heard enough how people uphold the spirit of birthday celebration. We have heard enough how they throw many kinds of reasons as to why birthday is supposed to be celebrated, and some of them make it as annual demand. However, I don't think something generic and populist will always be the case for everybody.
To me, I fear it when my birthday should come. It feels somewhat complicated for me to face my own birthday due to some complicated background of mine. I wish I could just fall into amnesia about my own birthday and nobody would ever remind it to me.
I am not talking about how I hate the fact I will be getting older every year the month of June arrives, let alone about how life gets more complicated as years go by, but I just don't get why on earth should we feel special about birthday, and indeed we wish it could be special. We hope birthday is a day of escapism. We hope our significant others would remember and cherish us the way we expect it to be. We hope, after tons of struggle we've been through in regular life, there would be a day special just for us to deny our rough reality and to excuse ourselves from being selfish & full of egoism. It's just, why does it have to be birthday out of 365 days a year? And worst of all, those hopes of birthday happen to be the opposite.
It turns out the most important person you always wait for to give you the best birthday wishes doesn't at all seem to remember you were ever once born. Not to mention, even if she did, you're in no place to be happy at all, because in fact it would only mean complicating the situation even further.
Isn't it ironic, that the only person would make you happy, and not anyone else, is the person you know you have to detach from? It's not her who's complicated, but me. I am complicated enough already. My religion issue, my view of life issue, my family issue, my fear of commitment issue, my everything, they are all complicated. And I don't want things to get any more complicated than how they are now. I don't want other people's lives becoming complicated either because of me.
So it's indeed saddening me when she doesn't give me birthday wishes anymore like she used to, but it also gives some kind of relief. Perhaps it would make it easier for me to finally detach myself from everything of her. And things will be on the track. No risk. No complication. And maybe that would be the reason for me to stop giving her birthday wishes anymore too.
It was like once every year, one single moment I always waited for, when nobody and nothing else would matter but her presence through words saying 'happy birthday' to me, showing how she would not miss it, showing how she always remembered of myself meanwhile everyone else needed Facebook to notify them about it. However, it has ended since last year, and this year there isn't any of it either.
Maybe this is the way how fate tells me to finally stop waiting, to finally stop wishing for something I am never destined to reach. The person that has been becoming the wings in my heart, that by flying on the wings, I wish I could reach the gap and distance between us, now I must leave all the years I spent trying to do so.
Friends in high school and college have been wondering and asking me why I hide my birthday date from them, why I don't want it to be celebrated, why I tell them I don't like it when they give me the birthday wishes. I never tell the true reason, but if I may now, here, it's because the last time I celebrated birthday with friends was when there was her, the person I am fond of the most, and I want it to always stay that way. I don't want it to be replaced, but now perhaps I must let it change. I must change either.
I've been thinking for quite some time, at least a year I guess, that was that true if I was kind of person who kept flying away and that made me unreachable, that it made it impossible for someone to stay with me? I wonder why on earth I was such kind of person. Then I just took it that it's just the way I was.
Never I found the answer until lately I think I may have, few days after my 22nd birthday. For the whole years I spent, maybe all I did was just trying to reach the person made me in love with, because she's just way unreachable, she's just too good to be true, too good to be with. I then decided to fly here and there to find something I could be proud of to stand on before her eyes, to finally could feel safe and secured if I should be standing beside her. I was shocked to finally realize this, that my wings were her.
But now what can I say? What comes around goes around. Even things this much beautiful and this much hurtful must come to an end. Maybe I finally will have to stop flying, stop attempting to reach anything beyond my grasp, because even I have the limit of what I can, and this is not what I can, and maybe this is just not destined for me.
Reaching you has been my goal of life, now that I've lost it, what should I do? Perhaps nothing I should do at all, but I know that this is better than being able to reach you only to make you suffer because of my complicated self.
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