There are times when I wonder 'bout my whole life. So many failures I've made, so little I can be proud of. Often times I feel inferior to people I meet; fortunately and unfortunately, too many great people I meet get close to me. So whenever I walk around, looking right and left, I just sigh a breath.
I am 21 years old, not yet graduated from college, and all I do is merely becoming a student, an ordinary student. I'm not smart at all, I'm not good at social life, I barely excel at anything (if there's really anything I can say I'm good at, it's being the-opposite-of-astounding person). Even so, I am still thankful my family doesn't dump me because of my good-for-nothing; they take care of me and fulfill all of my need instead.
At least, despite my bad (or sometimes so-so) grades and social gesture in school, there are still few people I'm friends with. I honestly am baffled why they still want to talk to me, for nothing they can gain in return. I never ask, though. I have been interactively awkward enough, so I don't think I should add some sour ingredients to the menu of my surroundings.
To be honest, I was once not this much pathetic. There was once when I was so arrogant always measuring everything based on astonishment, either it's grades, achievements, talents, unusual knowledge, money, looks, or anything sensible by the 5 senses normal humankind possesses. I myself was included in the group of people with good quality of brain and high manner. People back at the time looked up to me, they wished they could have become me. And I was just "I'm not on same level as you filthy".
But old wisdom says once we're at the top, we would have to go to the bottom of the hills as we have no choice but continuing our journey as long as we're still alive. When in first year of high school I was diagnosed as a patient carrying a cancerous flesh in my thyroid, my whole perspective of life changed. Not that it caused as far as death to me, for the cancer could be taken out of, but it really has impacted me mentally and profoundly.
The fear of death came when the first sentence of my illness came out of the doctor's mouth. Afterwards, many thoughts crossed my mind uncontrollably. It was the moments in my life when I finally realized how bad of person I had become. I had been disrespecting the value of humanity within persons for they could not show anything beneficial materially, at least according to my opinion. It made me understand that even all of achievements I had received would mean nothing after my leaving. I felt ashamed of myself.
I remembered when I had cringed some friends, when I had scolded at my brother and sister for them having bad performance in school, and whenever I had not wanted to socialize with unclassy people. I hated myself, I regretted them all. "If only time could be turned back, but sadly it can't," as I was musing.
"Hey! Why are you spacing out? Have you had lunch? Let's go have some with me!"
A friend shouted from my back surprising me.
"I'm not. I'm just walking home alone. Well, I've had my lunch already. Sorry." I replied refusing the invitation.
I guess I'm better off avoiding people while I'm having negativism filling my head. I kinda believe it may bring bad omen to others when someone in bad shape of thoughts is around. The negative energy may spread out, I suppose. After all, the scientist in newspaper said that every particle in this world interacts and influences each other no matter how far they are separated by distance. I guess the nearer it is, the quicker and stronger the interaction and the influence would result.
"Well, that means I will have to eat alone. Poor me."
I feel a bit guilty, but I think it's better than the rest of his day will get full covered by my darkness transmitted.
"Uhm, you know, should there be anything you want to talk to, you can always come to me. Life is just like water flowing. From the upper stream to the downstream, then to the sky then to the upper stream again, and so on. One phase leads to the other ones."
The friend is speaking wisdom, trying to cheer me up. Maybe he sees clouds in my face.
"Thanks." I replied.
"See ya, then."
"See ya."
It makes me thinking, that since I've changed, I'm no longer an ambitious human blinded by pointless greed. Although I'm now one of those who are in the bottom and the fame is not bestowed upon me anymore, at least I don't perform the arrogant deeds anymore like I used to. I see people as people, in spite of the failures or successes. It doesn't matter whether they are shining bright or dimming like dead candle.
To some extent, I feel glad that now I may be considered as a non-successful student. This is just a phase that helps me to be a better person. This may be downstream, but the downstream will take the water to the sky, won't it? The failures I have now leads me to success in my character. And this way, I won't regret the same mistakes, the hostile behaviour I have left away some years ago. If I should go to the other world anytime by now, I will be resting in peace.
I may sometimes miss my days of glory, when the word failure is never one of my belongings. However, I think being invisible this way is also a bliss in itself. I don't have any expectation I need to fill. I don't have any image to pretend. I just do what I can and need to do. When the storm is the weather outside, I don't have to act playing a storm fighter but all I need to do is to pray and try my best to make sure things are safe. I love my current simple life.
Perhaps I sound excusing myself for being a failure, but at least I am now more humane. Besides, if we won't be forever on a success, we won't be forever either on a failure. If we have to go down after being on the top, meaning we have to climb to the top after reaching the lowest point. I guess that's how naturally the law of universe works for us.
So I walk by, going home, through this middle of crowd.
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