I bet if some pieces of my life experiences were to be made into movie or TV Series, it would hit box office. Probably the genre could be "Drama, Comedy, Tragedy" (I wish I could add "Thriller", but no way! I'm not Jigsaw). The Censorship Body had to rate it as "15+, Family, Adolescence". Who knows it might beat Gossip Girl, or How I Met Your Mother, or even Friends? One thing for sure, I can barely believe that I really walked such life journey. Really, I feel like being a Drama Prince (No, I'm not a Queen!)
First thing first, Long long story, it's about my denial of being a medical student. It's true and will always be true in every history that I've never wanted to be a medical student. I hate it when I have to memorize so many things in my study-process. Truthfully, I'm more a Math-Student rather than a Biology one. I'd rather have Mathematics or Physics to be my field. The whole wide world knows it very well that all reason I'm here in where I am now is because my parents' desire, or dream, or hope, or anything it is. Yeah, not my own eagerness, never really my own choice.
Two problems:
1) I've never been courageous enough to tell my parents that I don't belong to here, either heartedly or capably.
2) Even after I entered, I've never been able to be sincere enough to accept my fate. I've kept denying and running away until then my GPA unbelievably comes down to hell.
You must notice that I use either present tense or present progressive tense in my sentences saying about "denying" and so forth. It's not that I'm still in my denial as writing this post; it's just I'm not sure what I am feeling now.
My parents finally found out my denial, my suffer, and my drama-life for the whole 2 years by some mechanisms I can't explain (way too complicated and it's not debate, so mechanism's not necessary :P). Then another drama came out: They were disappointed, Mom cried, Dad was angry as he's a dad, my Mom then tried to talk to me as she's a mom, perhaps there was an understanding finally, we decided to keep moving on by starting all over again, self-reconciliation, looking for another chance in the middle of uncertain destiny, then some things happened.
FYI, the untold mechanism was a way to get off this Medical Life I had been preparing for about a year; it was a very big, reckless, death-life, and by all means last way to mess and end up my story as a medical student. But hell yeah, even I'm no one before the Entities called as Future, Fate, Destiny, and perhaps the maybe-exist-God.
Now I give up to struggle for my own death. Let time speaks what I will be.
"Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see..."
(note: but despite being unsure about everything. Damn! I'm too perfectionist that I feel that I always have to be able to predict everything might happen).
It's not the only drama happened recently in my life and my family's life. The other one is about my brother. His story finally was revealed, after so long he had kept it secretively.
Just like me and even in the worse case, he doesn't want to be and has never wanted to be either a medical student or doctor. He has ever had it spoken out to parents, but he didn't insist. He's just too soft-hearted in some ways, that in order to avoid the hurricane and tears in life, silence is gold and gold is always the best jewelery despite knowing there are diamonds, pearls, and more expensive stones. He followed parents' order to keep signing up for every single University's entrance examination, pretending he had decided to finally enter medicine until finally his truth was discovered.
It was found that his text messages with his friends talked about his feeling, and to some extents, also talked something bad about Mom. And if you know my Mom, every disaster is her (sorry Mom, it's just a metaphor). My brother and his friends were blown away from anything I bet. Fortunately and unfortunately, I wasn't there, so I don't see myself what exactly happened.
Right after taking care of my beloved AMSEP-hosting experience (which will be my next post), I went home then asking what had been happening. At first, everything and everyone were in so damn silence that I could barely breathe in such atmosphere. Dark Blue was everywhere at home. No choice but to act like an ignorant family member, just threw a mild question to my Dad then ended it with "oh, OK", I was shocked in my quiet and luckily stable mind that:
MY BROTHER JUST HAD AN ENTRANCE EXAM IN SWISS-GERMAN UNIVERISTY SIGNING UP FOR HOTEL MANAGEMENT, AND HE GOT IT RIGHT THIS TIME!!!
HE'S SERIOUSLY ACCEPTED.
How come no one had told me about this before !?!? (me said to myself, feeling excluded from family)
It had been news for my dad and my brother for almost a week, but my mom remained clueless about the admission. Another problem popped-out: we had to pay in next 3 days; if not, my brother had to say good bye to his dream. Now it's about the fight for his dream vs. my Mom's mother-instinct that she wanted her children to be surely prosper in the future. But neither my brother nor my Dad had any plan on how to tell her. 3 Days Left we had.
Gratefully, I dared enough to say "Mom, could we please to have a conversation, just both of us", right after she told me that she was sad about my brother's text messages with his friends.
We talked then, everything about her dream of having doctor-children, her reasons, her wish that she didn't want her beloved children to undergo the same suffer as she had had (it's another drama story about my family's financial problem. But as for now we are much improving and in far better condition). I then told her about my brother's and my point of views. Somehow (and I don't know how), my brother and I can always understand each other even without speaking a single word, just looking at each other's eyes is always enough usually. She was in denial at that time, but then asked me some suggestions and asked me to then talk to my brother about what's inside of his mind.
Long short this time, I became a mediator of communication between my mother and my brother (despite just having my own problem about a couple of days before). It was hard to make my brother finally say everything he'd been holding in. After some really damn hours, I got them all. Then at night, I talked to mom again, promising my brother there would not be any hit on the roof of our home. I told her everything despite she was still in denial. But I was so sure, and believed in her that she's our mother, after all, no matter what. She would always understand, because she's a mother. And just like any other mothers, in the next morning, she gathered all family members. I don't even remember when, before that time, we had ever had such deep conversation as a family. After a very long moment we spent in the conversation, the decision finally was made. My brother was given a permission to be not-medical-student. His future wouldn't be a doctor. There were some tears. And it really made me realize that:
"Either it's sacrificing my dream, or my Mom's dream, the regret will always be there; it's just different reason that distinguishes the regret but still with the same pain, and it will last forever carving the hearts and life-history of ours until the last days of ours."
I also had tears seeing my mom could barely speak as she was holding her tears. I think I won't ever forget the moment, and to make sure of it, here's the story I write so that I can always refresh my very bad memory.
Really, quite a family I have, quite a life drama we have, but the fate is fated. I tried to deny and my plan I had set for leaving out was too much perfect and accurate, but then I failed. My Mom has been trying to own the future by doctrinizing her children since we were very little and could barely understand what she was mumbling about, but then she failed.
The future is really not ours. We can't own nor see it. They belong to the fate.
(I was trying to make this story a little bit funny, but then after proof-reading, realized it's not at all. DAMN!!)
First thing first, Long long story, it's about my denial of being a medical student. It's true and will always be true in every history that I've never wanted to be a medical student. I hate it when I have to memorize so many things in my study-process. Truthfully, I'm more a Math-Student rather than a Biology one. I'd rather have Mathematics or Physics to be my field. The whole wide world knows it very well that all reason I'm here in where I am now is because my parents' desire, or dream, or hope, or anything it is. Yeah, not my own eagerness, never really my own choice.
Two problems:
1) I've never been courageous enough to tell my parents that I don't belong to here, either heartedly or capably.
2) Even after I entered, I've never been able to be sincere enough to accept my fate. I've kept denying and running away until then my GPA unbelievably comes down to hell.
You must notice that I use either present tense or present progressive tense in my sentences saying about "denying" and so forth. It's not that I'm still in my denial as writing this post; it's just I'm not sure what I am feeling now.
My parents finally found out my denial, my suffer, and my drama-life for the whole 2 years by some mechanisms I can't explain (way too complicated and it's not debate, so mechanism's not necessary :P). Then another drama came out: They were disappointed, Mom cried, Dad was angry as he's a dad, my Mom then tried to talk to me as she's a mom, perhaps there was an understanding finally, we decided to keep moving on by starting all over again, self-reconciliation, looking for another chance in the middle of uncertain destiny, then some things happened.
FYI, the untold mechanism was a way to get off this Medical Life I had been preparing for about a year; it was a very big, reckless, death-life, and by all means last way to mess and end up my story as a medical student. But hell yeah, even I'm no one before the Entities called as Future, Fate, Destiny, and perhaps the maybe-exist-God.
Now I give up to struggle for my own death. Let time speaks what I will be.
"Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see..."
(note: but despite being unsure about everything. Damn! I'm too perfectionist that I feel that I always have to be able to predict everything might happen).
It's not the only drama happened recently in my life and my family's life. The other one is about my brother. His story finally was revealed, after so long he had kept it secretively.
Just like me and even in the worse case, he doesn't want to be and has never wanted to be either a medical student or doctor. He has ever had it spoken out to parents, but he didn't insist. He's just too soft-hearted in some ways, that in order to avoid the hurricane and tears in life, silence is gold and gold is always the best jewelery despite knowing there are diamonds, pearls, and more expensive stones. He followed parents' order to keep signing up for every single University's entrance examination, pretending he had decided to finally enter medicine until finally his truth was discovered.
It was found that his text messages with his friends talked about his feeling, and to some extents, also talked something bad about Mom. And if you know my Mom, every disaster is her (sorry Mom, it's just a metaphor). My brother and his friends were blown away from anything I bet. Fortunately and unfortunately, I wasn't there, so I don't see myself what exactly happened.
Right after taking care of my beloved AMSEP-hosting experience (which will be my next post), I went home then asking what had been happening. At first, everything and everyone were in so damn silence that I could barely breathe in such atmosphere. Dark Blue was everywhere at home. No choice but to act like an ignorant family member, just threw a mild question to my Dad then ended it with "oh, OK", I was shocked in my quiet and luckily stable mind that:
MY BROTHER JUST HAD AN ENTRANCE EXAM IN SWISS-GERMAN UNIVERISTY SIGNING UP FOR HOTEL MANAGEMENT, AND HE GOT IT RIGHT THIS TIME!!!
HE'S SERIOUSLY ACCEPTED.
How come no one had told me about this before !?!? (me said to myself, feeling excluded from family)
It had been news for my dad and my brother for almost a week, but my mom remained clueless about the admission. Another problem popped-out: we had to pay in next 3 days; if not, my brother had to say good bye to his dream. Now it's about the fight for his dream vs. my Mom's mother-instinct that she wanted her children to be surely prosper in the future. But neither my brother nor my Dad had any plan on how to tell her. 3 Days Left we had.
Gratefully, I dared enough to say "Mom, could we please to have a conversation, just both of us", right after she told me that she was sad about my brother's text messages with his friends.
We talked then, everything about her dream of having doctor-children, her reasons, her wish that she didn't want her beloved children to undergo the same suffer as she had had (it's another drama story about my family's financial problem. But as for now we are much improving and in far better condition). I then told her about my brother's and my point of views. Somehow (and I don't know how), my brother and I can always understand each other even without speaking a single word, just looking at each other's eyes is always enough usually. She was in denial at that time, but then asked me some suggestions and asked me to then talk to my brother about what's inside of his mind.
Long short this time, I became a mediator of communication between my mother and my brother (despite just having my own problem about a couple of days before). It was hard to make my brother finally say everything he'd been holding in. After some really damn hours, I got them all. Then at night, I talked to mom again, promising my brother there would not be any hit on the roof of our home. I told her everything despite she was still in denial. But I was so sure, and believed in her that she's our mother, after all, no matter what. She would always understand, because she's a mother. And just like any other mothers, in the next morning, she gathered all family members. I don't even remember when, before that time, we had ever had such deep conversation as a family. After a very long moment we spent in the conversation, the decision finally was made. My brother was given a permission to be not-medical-student. His future wouldn't be a doctor. There were some tears. And it really made me realize that:
"Either it's sacrificing my dream, or my Mom's dream, the regret will always be there; it's just different reason that distinguishes the regret but still with the same pain, and it will last forever carving the hearts and life-history of ours until the last days of ours."
I also had tears seeing my mom could barely speak as she was holding her tears. I think I won't ever forget the moment, and to make sure of it, here's the story I write so that I can always refresh my very bad memory.
Really, quite a family I have, quite a life drama we have, but the fate is fated. I tried to deny and my plan I had set for leaving out was too much perfect and accurate, but then I failed. My Mom has been trying to own the future by doctrinizing her children since we were very little and could barely understand what she was mumbling about, but then she failed.
The future is really not ours. We can't own nor see it. They belong to the fate.
(I was trying to make this story a little bit funny, but then after proof-reading, realized it's not at all. DAMN!!)
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