The Better Version of Ourselves

"you realize how you're never good enough of person for people around you, for people who care for you, and for the one you dear most. and you're ashamed of it, of how you are yourself that way.

Then there is this person you meet, and he is all you wish you were, all you wish you had been, is all you know would be the answer for all of your mistakes & regrets if he were to replace your existence. Thus all you can feel is a big amount of enviousness, high respect to the person, and more hatred towards yourself.

And you wish your existence could be replaced by that person, and you wish you could erase yourself."

As we grow up into a better version of ourselves bit by bit, we sometimes contemplate of what we used to be to make sure we're not the same as what we were. We feel the need of ascertaining that we have changed, and we don't want to see that very person from our past whenever the mirror reflects the human standing before us into our eyes.
Sometimes when we're involved in conversation of "is there anyone you hate that you carve his/her name on the coral reef of your chest?", many people may answer yes or no. It's easy for them to answer and then mention whom and why, but it's not the case for some of us. When the "anyone you hate" is yourself but no one else, how could you answer the question? Because we're ashamed of it and hence don't want to let anyone knows of it. Because we're afraid they may end up loathing and cringing us. And most of all, because we loathe and cringe the fact lies within ourselves and thus don't want to remember it.

We are always taught to forgive others' mistakes and faults; they say "everybody has flaws" and "nobody's perfect". We learn how forgiving others will take us to peace while the other way around will only make us suffer. "Don't let anyone control your happiness", aye, true. However, it turns out that nobody seems to leave a trail about forgiving oneself. To forget our own flaws is the uneasiest thing to do, isn't it?

The family members may forgive and forget, the friends and lovers may do either. The Universe and God may be the most merciful ever. Everyone else can always tell you "it's okay" and they don't mind at all, but how could you simply ignore the pain you've placed on other people's hearts? The blood may stop spilling, but the scars remain; whenever you see those scars on those you've hurt, you just can't stop the urge of guilty sense flowing inside fulfilling every millimeter of your nerves.

Now we start thinking "It would have been better if I had never existed. It would have been better if my existence could have just been erased or replaced by those who're better persons than me. Everything's better without me. I've been just a waste and junk in this middle of world. All I can do is to burden everyone around me without even giving retribution. I am useless and all I am is to end in smoke."

But then, we wonder why we anyway still are alive. Why hasn't the Angel of Death yet visited us to make this world a better place? Why haven't the particles built into us shattered into pieces of dust? In this misty pavements, with all of our regrets and fears, we don't know where this is going to lead us to.

We just want to re-check making sure every second is a better version of ourselves. So the same regrets won't haunt us. Because one infinite internal ghost is more than enough to inflict damage in our soul.