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| Taken by my little sister using her new semi-DSLR camera |
My little sister and I spent new year visiting my little brother who was having his last month of clerkship in an island famous for its nature view of the beach. We didn't really have much of detour for the tourism of the island, though, but the homestay is very near to a beach. This beach, unlike the more well-known beach in that island, was not really crowded and thus we could have more space for ourselves there.
I could not recall when last time I had felt the sensation of being to a beach, enjoying the sand and the sea. I knew it had happened when I was still in primary school but I could no longer trace back what happiness had been there for me. That's why when my little sister and I went to the beach as our brother was still working, the only crossed my curiosity was why many people loved to go to this island looking for the beach, what's so big deal about it and what jubilance could possibly a beach make us addicted to?
At the first attempt of trying to find my answer, I didn't want to swim the sea. Several reasons of hesitation such as it would dirt my body, it would be difficult to return to the homestay with wet body, et cetera, made me only want to seat on the sand reading a book authored by Haruki Murakami, entitled 1Q84. Of course it would be a perfect match of book for enjoying the beach at around after 3 PM, I thought.
Aside than the beautification for the nuance I did by reading a literary novel, which it also was not the point why I got myself to the beach, I myself indeed was dazzled when I arrived at beach, seeing the horizon of the sea, hearing the wind blowing and feeling it touched my skin. After the search of the expected spot to seat done and found, my little sister and I took off the shoes that covered our feet. As my usual self dictated me, I was hesitant to let the particles of sand to dirt my soles of feet. But once I was barefoot touching the dessert, a wondrous feeling filled me with excitement of epiphany.
As if I had been dragged to a whole new world, the reality around suddenly was changed. The more sand touched my skin, the more I wanted to smile without having any real reason behind. There I was seating and reading a book in my both hands, I could hear the waves crashing each other and the wind tapping my eardrums. I had never known before that such magnificence of world was to ever exist. It was like an eternal moment, as if time would have never flown either forward nor backward. I thought I would love it to stay that way forever.
But what comes around, goes around. And the time for me to end the day by the dusk came. The twilight of the sun told me to return to homestay. However, that's not the end of the journey to the sea. Because on the few days after, I returned there and this time with all guts to let the water of ocean that visited the shore to hit my body. It would be pitiful to come to the island of the Gods and Goddesses but never once venture to the sea.
I thought I had had enough of the surprise, but turned out that was not what the universe decided. Just like how many ancient beliefs said that the sea had power of spirits to either purify or cleansed the soul, I knew the feeling I received as I was swimming was neither good nor bad, but wasn't easy at all for me. Because if the heart was washed by from the gloom, that's exactly the moment my defense of pretending should fall and thus I had no choice but to face reality within myself no matter how much I denied.
It felt as if I were to be united with the nature. As if I were to be one with the universe. Have you ever felt like you're supposed to be somewhere else or you're not actually a human being but supposedly something else, and then one day you finally found that very place and identity that truly belong to yours? That's exactly what I felt when my body was covered all over by the seawater, when my feet stepped on sand of sea floor, and when wind blew through my head and fingers. Every touch of nature made me feel like I was finally home, my very true home that I had been searching for. And that's the very reason why I really didn't want to leave the sea, why I didn't want to return. Because home is always the only place we can feel comfortable and we can feel safe and secure, right? And I then found it in nature, in the sea, I really wished I could stay and be united with forever.
I possibly can't describe it as in crystal clear, but there was something in the sea that dragged me to keep swimming further and further. I knew it could be dangerous but I couldn't resist the calling. Suddenly the mind of mine was fulfilled with all contemplation of what kind of life I had been living in through. All sorrow and the dark clouds that never ceased, they all made me realize how to some extents my entire life had always been about madness and loss. Of course I also had gained many things, but in the end they all disappeared. The gain is temporary, but the loss is for eternity.
So I went further and further, deeper and deeper. There were times when waves got so high above me and I stood no chance but to be drowned under the water, strangely it made me relieved instead of panic as most people would probably be. So I kept swimming further and deeper, seeking for more of sea, seeking for more of relief. Somewhere inside of myself kept telling me that far in this nature, deep down in the sea, I could finally find the peace and serenity, I could finally find the place I would certainly belong to, the place where I would never have to worry anymore about life, place where I would never have to fear anymore about what grief tomorrow would hold for me. Something whispered in my ears that this way, I could finally be set free from all kinds of pain I had kept carrying in my heart. This way, the grudge I always had against the world would finally be washed away, and I knew my soul deserved a peace. So I kept swimming further and deeper, that my both feet no longer touched the sea floor, and the water around my feet felt cold already hinting that I might be drowned for sure if I stopped struggling to float.
Surprisingly the waves also sometimes were the ones who actively drew me further from the shore. I thought, perhaps this was the sign from the universe. Perhaps the universe finally pitied me for the unfortunate fate I should painfully bear. Perhaps the world finally realized that I could not endure everything anymore, any further than where my footsteps had hurt their very own feet so far. So I welcomed the waves jubilantly. I let them taking me to wherever they wanted to. I didn't care because what's the point of fighting back the waves of the sea? What's the point of returning to the shore, to the land? What's the point of returning to the places your heart and soul didn't belong to? What's the point of letting myself to suffer even more when I could have a chance to stop it?
I thought perhaps because I was never truly at the true home, perhaps because I had always been in the wrong place, always become a wrong entity, that's the reason of my disappointment with life. And perhaps because this time, this nature before my eyes was my true home, the urge of wanting to stay became so much firm. I thought if I could go further and deeper to the sea, to this very nature in front of me, I could finally attain the true self mine. Hence, I wouldn't have to feel any sorrow and loss anymore.
But then I saw a tiny small face of my little sister that looked like a point. Then I started to think of her, what if I should be gone by this stream of sea, and then she kept waiting for me in anxiety? And then she might get sad to know I disappeared for certainty. She would be alone to know there would be no more a brother that would scratch her back for her to sleep at night, no more a brother she could tell her stories of school life, either friendship or romance, and no more brother she could ask for help for subjects she couldn't make it like physics or art.
Then what about my little brother if he should lose the only person in family he could share and tell about his interests, hobbies, his values and perspectives of life, and his life stories in school? What about my parents if they should lose the only child they could share and ask for advice what to do about the life of 40s above, especially since they no longer had siblings of theirs to share to due to the conflicts of family. What about my close friends that always looked for me to consult about their hardships and what to do to overcome them?
Most of all, what about the one and only person I had been in love with since for so long, that I always prayed for another chance to be with her again, to meet her again, to spend time together again? What about my wish to finally be able to return to the time and place like years ago, that I could be with her laughing and being happy together? What if I waited for another year, or another 2 years, or 5 years, or ten years, such opportunity would come and finally I could live my life in true happiness, and if I should die afterwards, I would die without regret?
After all of those thoughts striking my inner consciousness, I fought back against the stream of the sea that dragged me. I returned to the shore. I stepped on the land again. I was baffled why I did that, but I attempted to firmly believe that it might be for the best; the choice I decided upon myself, not by everyone else, not even by the universe. Although perhaps it would have been easier if I had let myself be taken away to the deep ocean, I end up still giving this life another try. I know this is a gamble on the future, and the future doesn't belong to anyone. But perhaps somewhere in the future, I can find my home not in the deep sea, but on the land of earth with people I'm very fond of.
Thus, I returned anyway, still here as typing all of these words and assembling them into phrases, into sentences, into paragraphs, and into the entire post. Maybe one day I'd come to the sea again, and let's see what else of different wondrous surprises it would gift me with. Let us hope when such time comes, I will be able to write different taste of story, different taste of muse, and hence amuse the readers including myself with. Vivid bright or dimming dark, let time be the one who gives answers.
But what comes around, goes around. And the time for me to end the day by the dusk came. The twilight of the sun told me to return to homestay. However, that's not the end of the journey to the sea. Because on the few days after, I returned there and this time with all guts to let the water of ocean that visited the shore to hit my body. It would be pitiful to come to the island of the Gods and Goddesses but never once venture to the sea.
I thought I had had enough of the surprise, but turned out that was not what the universe decided. Just like how many ancient beliefs said that the sea had power of spirits to either purify or cleansed the soul, I knew the feeling I received as I was swimming was neither good nor bad, but wasn't easy at all for me. Because if the heart was washed by from the gloom, that's exactly the moment my defense of pretending should fall and thus I had no choice but to face reality within myself no matter how much I denied.
It felt as if I were to be united with the nature. As if I were to be one with the universe. Have you ever felt like you're supposed to be somewhere else or you're not actually a human being but supposedly something else, and then one day you finally found that very place and identity that truly belong to yours? That's exactly what I felt when my body was covered all over by the seawater, when my feet stepped on sand of sea floor, and when wind blew through my head and fingers. Every touch of nature made me feel like I was finally home, my very true home that I had been searching for. And that's the very reason why I really didn't want to leave the sea, why I didn't want to return. Because home is always the only place we can feel comfortable and we can feel safe and secure, right? And I then found it in nature, in the sea, I really wished I could stay and be united with forever.
I possibly can't describe it as in crystal clear, but there was something in the sea that dragged me to keep swimming further and further. I knew it could be dangerous but I couldn't resist the calling. Suddenly the mind of mine was fulfilled with all contemplation of what kind of life I had been living in through. All sorrow and the dark clouds that never ceased, they all made me realize how to some extents my entire life had always been about madness and loss. Of course I also had gained many things, but in the end they all disappeared. The gain is temporary, but the loss is for eternity.
So I went further and further, deeper and deeper. There were times when waves got so high above me and I stood no chance but to be drowned under the water, strangely it made me relieved instead of panic as most people would probably be. So I kept swimming further and deeper, seeking for more of sea, seeking for more of relief. Somewhere inside of myself kept telling me that far in this nature, deep down in the sea, I could finally find the peace and serenity, I could finally find the place I would certainly belong to, the place where I would never have to worry anymore about life, place where I would never have to fear anymore about what grief tomorrow would hold for me. Something whispered in my ears that this way, I could finally be set free from all kinds of pain I had kept carrying in my heart. This way, the grudge I always had against the world would finally be washed away, and I knew my soul deserved a peace. So I kept swimming further and deeper, that my both feet no longer touched the sea floor, and the water around my feet felt cold already hinting that I might be drowned for sure if I stopped struggling to float.
Surprisingly the waves also sometimes were the ones who actively drew me further from the shore. I thought, perhaps this was the sign from the universe. Perhaps the universe finally pitied me for the unfortunate fate I should painfully bear. Perhaps the world finally realized that I could not endure everything anymore, any further than where my footsteps had hurt their very own feet so far. So I welcomed the waves jubilantly. I let them taking me to wherever they wanted to. I didn't care because what's the point of fighting back the waves of the sea? What's the point of returning to the shore, to the land? What's the point of returning to the places your heart and soul didn't belong to? What's the point of letting myself to suffer even more when I could have a chance to stop it?
I thought perhaps because I was never truly at the true home, perhaps because I had always been in the wrong place, always become a wrong entity, that's the reason of my disappointment with life. And perhaps because this time, this nature before my eyes was my true home, the urge of wanting to stay became so much firm. I thought if I could go further and deeper to the sea, to this very nature in front of me, I could finally attain the true self mine. Hence, I wouldn't have to feel any sorrow and loss anymore.
But then I saw a tiny small face of my little sister that looked like a point. Then I started to think of her, what if I should be gone by this stream of sea, and then she kept waiting for me in anxiety? And then she might get sad to know I disappeared for certainty. She would be alone to know there would be no more a brother that would scratch her back for her to sleep at night, no more a brother she could tell her stories of school life, either friendship or romance, and no more brother she could ask for help for subjects she couldn't make it like physics or art.
Then what about my little brother if he should lose the only person in family he could share and tell about his interests, hobbies, his values and perspectives of life, and his life stories in school? What about my parents if they should lose the only child they could share and ask for advice what to do about the life of 40s above, especially since they no longer had siblings of theirs to share to due to the conflicts of family. What about my close friends that always looked for me to consult about their hardships and what to do to overcome them?
Most of all, what about the one and only person I had been in love with since for so long, that I always prayed for another chance to be with her again, to meet her again, to spend time together again? What about my wish to finally be able to return to the time and place like years ago, that I could be with her laughing and being happy together? What if I waited for another year, or another 2 years, or 5 years, or ten years, such opportunity would come and finally I could live my life in true happiness, and if I should die afterwards, I would die without regret?
After all of those thoughts striking my inner consciousness, I fought back against the stream of the sea that dragged me. I returned to the shore. I stepped on the land again. I was baffled why I did that, but I attempted to firmly believe that it might be for the best; the choice I decided upon myself, not by everyone else, not even by the universe. Although perhaps it would have been easier if I had let myself be taken away to the deep ocean, I end up still giving this life another try. I know this is a gamble on the future, and the future doesn't belong to anyone. But perhaps somewhere in the future, I can find my home not in the deep sea, but on the land of earth with people I'm very fond of.
Thus, I returned anyway, still here as typing all of these words and assembling them into phrases, into sentences, into paragraphs, and into the entire post. Maybe one day I'd come to the sea again, and let's see what else of different wondrous surprises it would gift me with. Let us hope when such time comes, I will be able to write different taste of story, different taste of muse, and hence amuse the readers including myself with. Vivid bright or dimming dark, let time be the one who gives answers.
Really nice post. Your post is expressing what I actually wanted to know, thanks for sharing…
ReplyDeletemovers and packers.