It’s not about bragging how I’ve been meeting various people and they happen to give me tons of life questions to which “42” cannot be the answer (if you’ve ever seen ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Galaxy,’ you’ll get the reference).
But it’s still true after all, that most of stories begin when people meet and make a life out of it.
They deliver statements, ultimatums; pose questions and push each other until eventually, a new journey springs forth. And you’ll never know what kind of people you’ve just passed on a road or bridge; what stories lie at the soles of those worn shoes; what hides behind that glimpse of a smile.
Some months ago there was a guy, an acquaintance, with whom I had a long conversation, over a table of Chinese food. I gave him a to-the-point question: “why, despite being a devout Christian for years, do you come to the Buddhist Temple?”
I was expecting a simple answer like “because I find Buddhism fits me more,” a vanilla, generic kind of statement most people always use. I use it, too.
Instead, he said: “because I’m gay, and Buddhism doesn’t say that it’s a sin, so I don’t have to feel guilty about being gay.”
Before out of nowhere he asked me why in Christianity he had to be rejected painfully because of being gay, he told me he had been afraid of and traumatized by this reality. He said was scared of losing his friends if they found out that he’s gay; scared that his parents might disown him, because ashamed of having him as a gay son; scared that Jesus would look away, cast him off as a “big fat sinner.”
He had been praying to be healed and had even tried to “become heterosexual,” but God didn’t seem to be listening. And the most shocking fact was, the first person he had confided all of this too, was his Christian teacher in high school, who was also a priest. The priest turned out to be a gay predator who took advantage of my friend, for his own sexual fulfillment; the real sinner, in my view.
I’m not, however, denying that homosexuality is considered to be sinful in Christianity, or in all Abrahamic religions. But, please keep reading to find my explanation that the sin is not exclusive for homosexual conduct.
There is an explanation to it; an acceptable explanation from a religious point of view. It’s not because God created man and woman, and hence a couple should be two opposite genders. If God were that almighty and compassionate, for the sake of man-woman rule, He would have either turned the friend into heterosexual, or simply made everyone heterosexual to begin with knowing His divine constitution only allowed such a thing. But that’s not what this is about.
I reasoned by explaining how in Abrahamic religions sexual intercourse is considered sacred. It’s an activity of pro-creationism. When a sexual activity happens, there are 3 parties involved: The couple, and the God. The intercourse should be seen as a religious and divine act. It’s not supposed to be for the sake of lust. There is a will of Holy Spirit there. This shows how actually God treats humankind as partners for His creation, and thus in Genesis He has said that humankind is actually created in accordance with His image. That’s why we are supposed to respect our own sexual organs, and supposed to respect the act of sex itself. In Islam, even there is a prayer for the spouse before they have sex.
In this matter, gay sex doesn’t provide pro-creationism. Inability of controlling the lust is most of time what drives the sex in gay relationship, or gay hook-ups obviously.
That explanation also strongly applies to the use of contraception that is considered to also be sinful because it facilitates the act of sex just for the sake of lust either. And so is masturbation. In religious institution, people agree that the use of contraception means hindering the process of creationism and would only encourage sex for lust, and masturbation is for nothing else but lusty purpose of oneself. Lest we forget that, even in Abrahamic religions (either Judaism, Christianity, or Islam), we are still highly taught to have control over mind and feelings, to cultivate our mental and spirituality.
In Ten Commandments, Moses was given a precept of “Thou shall not commit adultery” and another precept of “Thou shall not covet”. Those 2 passages are to be emphasized up to the point of how act of sex and the mind of sexual desire are tremendously policed in the religion. This is strengthened by Jesus in Matthew 5:27–28 (NIV) “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. Nevertheless, that is why sex and marriage are strongly related, because sex and marriage are purposed for the creationism, a divine act involving two people and God. And once again, the problem in here is about the lust that we must not compromise, either in homosexual or heterosexual relationship, but control and cultivate over.
Furthermore, in tradition of Judaism and Islam, it is highly upheld that people are to participate in societal system by forming families and having legitimate successors of blood. This is aimed for two reasons: constructing civilizations on earth, and to pass down the legacy and inheritance of family to the next generations (both tradition and materials). Homosexual relationship, however, cannot provide this belief system, and that’s why it is religiously prohibited, and so is other committed sexual acts that are not inline with this value.
However, as our society is progressing in science and modernism, we must admit that some of religious doctrines (particularly the aforementioned ones) may no longer be relevant to our daily life today. We now mostly see that any sexual activities are private life choice that each of us has considered the benefits and consequences for our own selves.
In the end, though, this is never about whether homosexuality is sinful, but about how we choose to live life. Homosexuality is not the same as homo-romantics after all. The sex may not be allowed religiously, but the love is for everyone. If we are taught to even love our enemies, why can’t we love the person we fall in love with? Isn’t the existence of God all about love and compassion and forgiveness and hope? If love is God’s teaching and hate is the opposite of the teaching, then it’s better for two men or two women to love each other than people hate homosexuals, isn’t it?
Moreover, sin or not a sin, who knows? Good or bad, who knows? Right or wrong, who knows? Paradise and Inferno will always be the prerogative right of God’s, and we’re not God. And it’s not for the deeds we’ve done, but because of God’s steadfast love, and nothing can limit or demystify His love. Religiously yet humanely speaking, people commit sins and homosexual conduct is just one of so many sins in sexual things, it’s just the same as any other; having (gay) sex doesn’t make us any less human at all. Jesus has said that He hath come not for those of without sins, but to bring salvation upon those who are clouded in darkness.
And so I told the friend that it’s perfectly fine for him to be attracted romantically and sexually to fellow guys, and I told him to stop hating himself and hating the church. I told him to forgive himself, the church, and everyone who had been condemning homosexuality. As much as he wanted to be accepted for the true him, whether it’s right or wrong, then he had to accept others for whatever flaws they might have, including ones that had been offending him. I told him to let go of his disappointed feelings, and his journey started onward from that point.
As time went by, he started to come out to people that he’s gay. Those who were sincere stayed, and those with judgmental narrow-minded traits left and avoided him. The biggest fear he had been having with him he faced: whether he would have friends who accepted him if he was found out to be gay. And that’s the beauty of friendship: those who would stay would stay no matter what, and those who would leave would leave anyway.
The more true friends he had, the more courage and confidence he had, and also the more forgiveness he had. Until someday it was inevitable that his family found out that he had been coming to Buddhist temple, not only as a visitor but also as a believer who chanted Buddhist prayers/mantras, he then had to be faced to another biggest fear of his: whether his parents would accept him.
Long short story, his parents questioned him why he stopped coming to churches and stopped performing Sunday Service in church, and kept coming to Vihara (Buddhist temple) instead. He hesitated to give the answer by saying there was a reason he could not yet explain, but he would later when the time was right. And in the end, he told his parents. And the conversation was heartwarming, turned out.
The friend had been complaining that his parents rarely listened to him, but whenever his big brother said something his parents would right away accept it. He felt like his parents favored his big brother more than him. But the moment he explained about his sexuality to his parents, his dad said “I’m your father, and I won’t ever leave nor dispose you just because of it. Remember when you were small and you were sick, I got panic and I drove the car as fast as possible to reach the city taking you to good hospital. It was quite distant but I made it in short time. I love you no matter what, son.”
His mother admitted that she had known all the time that the friend turned out to be gay. She told him “I’m your mother. I already know of it even without you telling me anything. You can just talk to us, your parents, about anything. Just tell us should there be something bothering your mind. We are your parents after all.”
Since then, his relationship with his parents has got better. His big brother and the girlfriend of his big brother also know of this, and they love him anyway. He no longer worries about people finding out of his sexuality, about people leaving him just because of it, about people gossiping him behind. His family accepts him wholeheartedly for whom he truly is, he has friends more than he knows who surround him, and he doesn’t have to go through this all alone anymore. He has people who will support him no matter.
He, after all, has chosen Buddhism as a part of his way of life, mostly because in Buddhism there’s no term of sin or condemnation. There is only the cause and effect, and there are some reasons why someone becomes homosexual in current life according to Buddhism: Karmic reasons, past life reasons, genetic reasons, psychological development reasons, and everything related due to this cause-effect law. And being a homosexual is not condemned in Buddhism; it’s neither right nor wrong. It’s just a phenomenon, no more no less. What matters is how we live our lives, whether we perform good deeds or bad deeds, whether we become useful for the world or we harm others. This makes sense to him and thus he follows Buddhism as life’s philosophy. However, he still sometimes comes to church because after understanding this, he sees no more reason to feel disappointed by the church.
This, in the end of the day, has never been about one’s sexuality, never been about one’s faith; this is about love and acceptance. Whatever your identity is, whatever your sexuality and religion is, regardless your ethnicity and your social background, love and acceptance are without boundaries.
Let me end this article by quoting some lyrics from an original song of Glee:
“We feel, we hear, your pain, your fear
But we’re here, to say, who you are, is okay…
… Be brave, be strong,
You are loved, you belong…
…Be who you are
Learn to forgive…
…And you don’t have to go through this
on your own, you’re not alone.
You have more friends than you know
Some who surround you
Some you are destined to meet
You’ll have more love in your life
Don’t let go, give it time
Take it slow
Those who love you the most, may need more time to grow
It’s gonna be okay, you have more friends than you know.”
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