#12 no title

"If time could be turned back, I would have stayed and never left."

That's what I once posted on my facebook status, 3 years ago I suppose. It means so much to me that the clause keeps playing in my head everyday. Even now, although new people keep coming to fill my days, I still cannot let go. I don't think there has to be explanation to everything, but all I can say is there are things that will always last and are irreplaceable.

Almost a week ago I had a dream of returning to high school. It's just this high school was different to the real high school I had gone to. It was the high school in my hometown Bogor. In the dream, I decided not to leave but stay instead, with all of those dearest friends, and the girl I loved most. We went to the same High School, with exactly the same annoying school principle.

In the dream, everyday I went to school my heart was full of good thrill. It was exactly like when I had been in Junior High. I was truly happy and everyday was adventure with everyone. It was totally different to the reality when I had been in real high school. I can recall in crystal clear that I went to real high school everyday feeling upset because I missed my best friends, and I missed her and it really hurt.

Unfortunately, we can never turn back in time, can't we? I made my decision. I left hometown. I left everybody I really loved. They say it's nobody's fault. It's just life that happened to happen, and it's in the past already. They say I must live in present. They say present is a gift.

But you know what? I cannot let go. I simply can't stop feeling devastated. And that's how irony conquers the life. The good happy memories turn into sadness, and it stays as the unresolved feelings. Nobody can ever reach the little 15 years old kid trapped in that pit. Whenever those beautiful things surface, it tears me apart all over again.

I no longer know whether it's still about love and friendship that I've long lost, or simply just my regret, or my unfulfilled expectation. I've been resenting life for so many years. I resent myself and my choice.

I don't understand how feelings can twist and turn someone upside down. After too long, the whole world of sadness just becomes emptiness. The life has taste no longer. All this wisdom and smile people see, it may be a hollow vessel inside.

The most painful thing is, I tried to reach out for help. I tried to embrace the sadness and then looked for consolation. I tried everything the magazine told and what people advised, but nothing ever answered my mourning.

I sometimes cry as groaning begging for everything to be returned to me. I don't know whom I beg on. I don't know if there's anything hear me. All I know I'm just helpless when it happens.

I know at this rate I'm also being unfair to others that have been trying to unravel my loneliness. I hurt them as well as I hurt myself. And once again, I just can't help it.

It's a battle, a long battle I've been fighting but I never win. And I don't know when I will finish the game. I just know to keep holding on to the wish, to keep wishing hard, locking my time whilst everybody else is moving on with their lives, until the moment to resolve this feeling comes. Until that time, I'll keep wishing and waiting.