The Fool and The Wise; I Don't Want To Be The Wise

I don’t want to be the wise man.

I don’t want to be the oldest child.

I want to be like my little brother and sister who can blame on me for the mistakes they make in family. I want to be like them who get defended by parents when I point out at their wrongness, and I am the one becoming responsible to bear the scold instead. I want to be like my little brother who asks for opinion because of being carefree about his own life. I want to be like my little sister who complains and gets upset when she has to face hardship and demands me to help her out anyhow. I want to be them who don’t have to learn every single thing because they know I will be the one who makes sure to know (almost) everything so they can just come and ask me in times of unknowingness.

I don’t want to be the big brother.

I want to be like my little brother and sister who can be afraid of anything in whatever situation and can be clueless about life because they know it’s going to be my role to lend hands and bend my backs for them to leap, and hug them telling it’s going to be okay to stop their cry of fear. I want to be like them who can be selfishly indecisive and to make mistakes because they know I will appear giving advices to them and lectures so that they can have guidance for next time. I want to be like them who can always feel secure and thus ask me to be always by their sides because they know I will be the fence of strength for them.

I want to be a crybaby and stupid and careless, then I could call out to my elder sibling seeking for warmth of protection and guidance, and then I would feel safe right away. I would choose such life if I could, but I don’t get to choose, do I? I’m not even asked for what I think good and bad, for what I like and dislike, and I just have to accept it unconditionally.

I don’t want to be the wise man.

I don’t want to be the person people talk to when they seek for approval, a listener, and a sincere friend.

I want to be like those friends who out of nowhere come and tell all their personal life problems, give me their darkest secrets, and ask for hope through my words. I want to be like those people who are not even close to me, or they are in fact new strangers to me, but suddenly open up all doors of their hearts and then get me in there reaching their vulnerable souls, pulling out themselves from the pit of desperation. I want to be like those people who don't have any idea what they're doing and going through, suddenly they get lost and call out to me for the solution.

I don't want to be the one with sweet tongue.

I want to be them who talks in whatever manner they like and want.I want to be like those who don't have to give right words within any conversation, especially when people around are emotionally stupid and non-objective. I don't want to be the one who must read people's gesture so that I can give right interaction in accordance with their foolish egoistic personality. I want to be like those who are ignorant about the result of every communication, that they are not careful for their choice of sentences.

I don't want to be always right. I don't want to be always logical and objective. I want to make mistakes. I want to be foolish and perform wrong action. I don't want to be extraordinary or superior. I just want to be normal common ordinary person. I only want simple modest life. I want to feel okay without excessive guilt at all whenever I do bad things, tolerating myself saying it's humane.

I am tired of people's expectation. I am tired of being over-expected or overestimated. I am tired of being prophesied to be becoming one of great people someday. I want people to gaze me commonly. Neither I want them to fear me nor over-respect me. I don't want to be special.

I don't want to be the one who keeps telling others about life's trick, life's philosophy, or even their own life goal. I don't want to be the one who tells them what their talents are and what they're capable of. I want to be them. I want to be like them who ask about those things to someone and then listen to the answers.

I don't want to be the wise man.

But who am I to choose? Who am I to decide one's role in life? Who am I to determine what one should do and shouldn't? Who am I to control people's mind and heart?

And please just let go the owl fly freely diving into the woods.