It has been ages since the last time I updated this blog. Myriad things have happened. Good times and bad times. Joy and despair. Life is always bittersweet and all we can do is live through it and accept it. If we focus so much on the bitter, the pain will feel endless and living life is pointless. However, if we focus on the happy times we have spent with people who truly matter, all that's left inside is a feeling of gratitude. As such, I am writing this to express all the unsaid things.
When I was in university, my Buddhist teacher, Mr. Lilik, always thanked me and my friends after every class. He told us that it was us, his students, who had given him the opportunity to share his knowledge and to do something good. He also said he learned so much from us. I didn't really understand it then because it was him, with his gentle tone and tremendous patience, who had opened our eyes and taught how to be kind and acceptant of what life brought upon us, while at the same time still consistently persevering. He didn't just teach with his words; he was the living example of everything he taught. It did not make sense to me why he believed he was the one who should give thanks. It was until I became a teacher and met all of you.
Likewise, I would like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to all of you. It was you who taught me to be humble and enjoy life through daily simplicity. You showed me that it was possible to smile and laugh and feel that "I am enough" just by living life day to day without having to feed our egos. You showed me your friendship, your humility, your genuine and sincere curiosity. I thank you for our interactions, our conversations, and all the kind words you gave me. Whenever I saw you playing with and talking to each other, it saved me and my soul. I could get through the hard times because of you. My teacher was right. Becoming a teacher myself allowed me to learn from my own students and, hence, develop myself even further. My public speaking skills, my writing, my organisation and management skills, my social skills, and my interpersonal skills. You all have taught me all those things, maybe without even realising it. The opportunity you gave me to be your teacher has made me a student myself. You have brought to life new values and ideas that my generation and the generation before me never understood, never knew. I am thankful for that. I thank you for that.
I didn't exactly grow up in a psychologically healthy home. I began to learn and understand happiness and friendship when I was in middle school. My friends there were really precious to me. They were the ones who showed me how to gratefully enjoy life, how to cherish every moment, and how to be true to myself. They accepted me for who I was. And yet, I decided to leave them. I moved to another city, another school, another life. I moved because I aimed bigger, because I wanted more pride and glory, because I desired the world. I didn't know that I would lose my friendship, didn't realise that my friends mattered so much to me. I was just a kid. Nobody told me that friends, no matter how close they were, could fall apart. My parents saw that I was so attached to them and distracted from my studies by all the yearning, so they restricted me from seeing my middle school friends. Years later, when I met them, we had grown apart. We couldn't relate to each other. We couldn't find ourselves in each other anymore, and all those yearnings felt like a hollow that suddenly emerged in my chest.
I, for over 15 years, regretted it so much: my decision to move to another city and another school, the fact that I couldn't see them and we grew apart, and my inability to turn back time. Every single day, I always wished to go back to those years. Just one more chance, one more time. I always wanted to say sorry and spend another day with them, without regret. Of course, it could never happen, but I didn't stop praying.
Until I met all of you.
Each time I observed your friendship, I always felt nostalgic. You took me to my salad days, when I was green in judgment, cold in blood. It's the same frequency, the same laughter, the same heartbeat. You have reminded me of the joy and hope I used to share with my friends. And many of you have chosen the same life path: moving, changing schools. Each of you has your own reason, the same way I did mine. But you have the strength I didn't. You allowed yourselves to be sad, to cry, to say goodbye. You allowed yourselves to say "I will miss you so much". You allowed yourselves to love and say it out loud. I didn't. I didn't have the courage to be honest with myself, and as a result, I got stuck in the past while everyone else left me. However, you move forward, albeit you don't let go of your friendship. You don't give up. You believe that the connection will always be there, and no matter how far you are apart from each other, you will always find a way and a reason to find your way back. Witnessing your friendship, and at times I felt like you included me in it, has made me realise that the Universe truly granted my wish. I was given a chance to go back in time, but forward. I waited for over 15 years to finally meet all of you, and get the chance of redemption. I, again, have learned a lot from you. You have given me the closure I needed. I can never thank you enough for that.
If I have ever made you feel that I don't care enough about you, I'm sorry. I do care about you, but I'm just a human and life isn't always nice to me, and it pours when it rains. There were times I couldn't do my best, I didn't listen to you, I neglected you. There were times I was selfish, I was exhausted, and then I shouted at you, I took it out on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't do any better, sorry that I didn't care enough.
One thing I always emphasised: stand up for yourselves. When things are unfair and unjust, you must speak up against them. Don't let people walk all over you, or take advantage of you. What is right is right, although nobody does it. What is wrong is wrong, although everybody does it.
Always remember, you are good enough. You have so much potential to be anything you want. You are talented. I've seen it myself and I know I'm right.
And lastly, when you love someone, just be brave to say that you want them to be with you in your life. Family, friends, or even lovers. Because we never think the last time is going to be the last time. We think there'll be more. We think we have forever, but we don't.
Whether someday we will meet again, know that I will always pray for you and wish the best for you, know that I am confident you will reach your dreams and be happy with your life.
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