Lebaran and Reconciliation

Originally Published in: Jakarta Post July 14, 2015, Opinion Column Page 7

Author: Liswindio Apendicaesar

Ramadhan is about to end, which means Idul Fitri (Eid Mubarak) or Lebaran is coming to town. People will be celebrating by eating various dishes like ketupat, rendang (beef curry) and opor (coconut milk beef or chicken gravy), in addition to many cookies and snacks. Apart from risking high cholesterol and blood sugar, we exchange apologies and forgiveness. We embrace or shake hands with husband or wife, parents and children, brothers and sisters, employers and employees, old and new friends and even sometimes with strangers.

Annually, I always wonder why we do this and what difference in life it will bring just by simply saying “Please forgive me” and then replying “Yes, please forgive me too” to each other, without even knowing what your mistake exactly is.

I grew up in a rather rough family where life was littered with swearing. My home was full of scolding and improper words. One day in Lebaran was expected to be a day of soul purification from sins, but then in a few hours the adults started scolding again. That’s exactly what makes me doubt the value of having such a tradition. It’s as if you can just sin whenever you desire for the whole year and then suddenly on one miraculous day wash away all wrongdoings. People don’t seem to really care about whether or not their actions hurt others, traumatize others or inflict damage.

And very rarely do people even realize that they are making mistakes and hurting others. All that matters to them is asking for forgiveness. And then once they get that forgiveness, then they go back to committing sins all over again. Apology is no longer sacred.

An apology is just words jumping from your mouth and then hovering through the air without meaning. It has lost its value. Apologies are supposed to lead the human race into a better state by developing introspection and proper measurement of the goodness or ugliness of our deeds. And after introspection, a promise to improve, and attain some kind of redemption.

What’s the point of apologizing if not even two hours afterwards we repeat the same mistakes? What’s the point of apologizing if we do it just for the sake of social conformity despite knowing deep down that we don’t really mean it?

The tradition of apology in Lebaran also misleads society’s mindset about mental issues. We tend to forget that once something has been done, it can rarely be undone. When we carve pain into people, the pain will forever remain either consciously or subconsciously. The degree of pain may cause different levels of trauma, but once a memory is made it will change one’s whole perspective towards life.

The outcome may be a change of daily behavior that may seem abnormal, which people celebrating Lebaran don’t really care about. There are things that we can’t easily forgive because the wounds are simply so profound that our essence of humanity may have been harmed. Forgiveness also requires a mental process of letting go, while most people need time to develop such a big heart. It’s not supposed to be something that is taken for granted or forced on people by mere tradition.

The tradition, nonetheless, has mutilated the sanctity of apologizing and forgiving. Through social pressure, it makes people apologize and forgive while masked in fake smiles and insincere words. It violates human dignity by promoting the quick-and-easy route. It doesn’t appreciate process, despite knowing that it is through slow and deep processes that people become truly human.

Before apologizing, we initially should realize the wrong done and then admit it. Although imperfection is human, that doesn’t justify committing harm against others. Therefore, we apologize. We apologize not to be set free from guilt, but because we want to be a better person and let go of our ego. In the end, we promise ourselves not to repeat the same mistake, and we try our best to fulfill this ambition. Apologizing is about process, not merely spoken words.

Forgiveness, similarly, is a deep process. What has happened has already happened, and we cannot turn back in time to edit life the way we desire it to be. Forgiveness is about how we finally find peace within ourselves in this chaotic world, accepting all phenomena as a natural occurrence. That’s when we realize that a grudge is meaningless. A grudge is tiresome and only makes us more miserable. We must reconcile with one another with our heart and through tangible action.

Reconciliation is a meditation. People need to relax and then enter stillness by focusing their mind and breathing. Inhale the air and then exhale it. Some may find it uncomfortable on the first few attempts, but then after some time, one can begin to accept the silence and the serenity. One finds enlightenment in the process, not by faking the process. The same is true with apologizing and forgiving.

However, perhaps that’s why there is such a tradition in Lebaran. We are implicitly told to meditate on the whole year, every single day. There are things that we can’t easily accept or forgive, but one year is supposed to be enough if we keep practicing and contemplating. Maybe Lebaran teaches us not to be resentful and selfish but profoundly peaceful in living our lives.

But are we ready to apologize and forgive sincerely against our ego? Are we ready to be cleansed all over again and return to fitrah (purity) by accepting that we’re not perfect? Has the whole past year been enough for us, or should we ask for more time to finally apologize and forgive? Time keeps flowing and life goes on.

Apologizing and forgiving is how we survive. My English teacher once said, “What is wrong is wrong, although everybody does it. What is right is right, although nobody does it.” Whether people truly mean their apology or not, we must wholeheartedly forgive them anyway.

Edited by: Jakarta Post Editorial Team

Image: Deviantart