When All Things in Life Are About Loss

Winning any competition is a different matter. Because losing there doesn't mean the end, not to mention we can always register for another tourney and prepare ourselves for the next battle. That way, we have nothing to lose because in fact we keep improving and climbing the hill of achievement. We don't lose by that way, we triumph and we keep gaining the perishable pleasure.

However, I'm talking about another definition of loss. I'm talking about when finally we realize all of those victories over marvelous titles labelled on us becoming meaningless and then we turn from worshiping into hating them. Being cool or popular no longer feels nice, which on the contrary, we regret it. That moment we are aware of what we truly are fond of, is the moment we finally wake up knowing we've always been losing, no win at all. Glory is bullshit.

In this world of uncertainty, I tend to look for fake and delusional joys than to
appreciate the real love I've always been blessed. I seek for identities of being everyone else due to my enviousness towards what other people become, until the point beyond forgetting who I truly am. Now that I lose myself, what else do I have? Neither can I manage becoming everyone I dream of to be.

There is a place in my brain, a place and the only place that can bring me serenity and joy. I'm not sure which gyrus it is, but I know scientifically it's the one serves for storing memories, the past specifically. However, this area of brain also haunts me everyday, that whenever I pay attention to it, all I see is regret.

Almost the entire of my life all I did was to seek for society's validation over myself. I tried to wow people because I thought, that way, I would be loved and respected. I played with the game, letting myself do what I didn't want, be what I was not.

But now tell me, when people who truly love me start leaving me, either their physical presence or their feelings, what else is left for me to be happy about? When people I dear most start walking away from me, what else can I be proud of myself? It feels like everybody's leaving and I'm left alone unworthy. Yes, unworthy. All of those astonishment I gain means nothing but waste of time and vain.

But now even if I screamed, nobody would care. All I can is to be angry, to be ashamed, to feel guilty, to blame on myself, to blame on everybody and this world, to pretend, to look away, to be drowned in the pain of loss and regret.

Can I find myself back? Can I remember what passions I used to live up? Can I set myself free from regret? Can I let go and move on? Can I finally change? Do I even have still a chance?

They say, time heals. Perhaps if it doesn't, someday I may forget all this sorrow.
I'm just afraid of having to lose more people and to forget my true self even further. I'm just tired of being lost in this maze of fraud life.