Antisocial

I don't know whether I've ever talked about this before on my blog, but suddenly I feel like talking something that has just crossed my mind.

After one year I've been passing as a college student, and of course after being inspired by Gossip Girl season 4 that I watched a couple months ago, I now realize something important.

I used to think that entering college would mean I could start a new life, could be someone new, and could start over everything in life. In fact, that's all wrong. As Serena van Der Woodsen said in the series, "College is just high school with more expensive books".

I can never change the character that has
grown in myself. I can never change the way how I basically interact with people. I cannot change what I like and what I dislike. And they all happen inevitably no matter how hard I've tried to change.

I'm still as lazy as I was in high school. I do procrastinate to study and to finish my assignments, and ironically it seems I'm the only one with this character in this faculty. I still always get bad marks in my exams as I did in high school.

Actually those above (in the paragraph above this one) don't really get my concern. Well, it's not that I don't give a damn about my study, but I just take it cool. I think it's just a matter of time if we talk about marks. There is something more important I think.

My introvert character and the way how I socialize with people.

Truthfully I'm still very introvert and cannot open my heart to any people. I don't tell them my story when they do. I tend to eat alone rather than with friends because somehow I feel more comfortable when I am alone. The worst is my social group is also, I think, the exclusive one. As usual, I love being exclusive, not only because not many people I have to interact with, but also I think it's pretty cool and elegant to be exclusive. Though, I know this is so wrong.

In fact, many people know me but I don't really know them, not ever their names and faces (there is actually also a reason why I'm usually very easy to be kinda famous among people, I think). Sometimes I feel that I wanna stop being this way and really wanna change myself, but then again I cannot do so. I don't know why but it's true that I can only be friends with few people. It's okay for you to think that I'm an antichirst, oops, I mean antisocial.

Moreover, somehow problems always look for me wherever and whenever I go. I hardly can get rid of them. Sometimes this comes from my social group, and sometimes this comes from family. Well, if you've already read my 2 previous posts, you must understand how hard it is to live my life. If you think I just simply exaggerate it, one phrase for you: "stop judging me unless you lived my journey" (Boby Andika Ruitang).

I really feel jealous with those who can socialize easily and can have many friends. I wish I were like them. It's just kinda awkward for me when I try it. Sometimes I also wish that I weren't myself, I were someone else. So I wouldn't have to be troubled in socializing.

Anyway, I also want to talk about something else.

I totally feel so damned because I cannot go to AMSA-INA National Meeting in Surabaya. I just missed another fun. This happens because my dad still stays in Solo due to the raised price of the bus tickets to return to Bogor. Luckily he will return to Bogor on Monday, so I can go to participate in BIND.

I lately also have been thinking that I wish I were younger. If I were younger, I would still have a lot of chances to join in any kind of events. I would already have career in a very young age. And I don't need to worry about getting 20s. So damn my age will turn into 20 next year (less than 12 months). And I still don't know when I will become a real doctor.

Anyway, recently there is a girl who somehow resembles the one that I've been in love for more than 5 years. Actually I've already figured it out since months ago that this girl will somehow resemble her, I just wasn't sure back then. Now I'm afraid that I will also be in love with this girl, since I cannot stop my feeling toward the one that I've been in love for more than 5 years. I mean, there is no way I will be in love with 2 girls in the same time. It's so a big no no. I cannot figure it anymore what might happen after this, I just hope for the best. Wellm honestly I hope that I won't get distracted and still to be stick to the one that I've been always in love with.

I hope problems, either from family or from campus, won't happen at all when I go to participate in BIND. I hope I can participate in the competition peacefully and joyfully without having to be bothered by anything, though I'm already troubled with the fund since the university is very very stingy.

*sorry if the topic in this post is a bit unstructured*.