First of all I'd like to say Happy Ied Mubarak to everyone. I beg on your forgiveness for every mistake I've ever done in life.
As usual, every post is the story of mine that mostly are about my fucking pathetic life.
I think I have to plan for my own death. Not only because I've got forefeeling that "my time" will soon elapse, but also because I can't stand this burden anymore. I'm fed up with everything my parents do and say. I just can't take it anymore. I can't stand when everything is always measured by money and prestige.
I regret that I decided to enter medical school. Not that I dislike the subjects, but because from the very beginning it was only for the purpose of money and prestige. I also hate it to be in medical school because this makes me have to give up all of my passions.
I didn't realize it that actually
the very reason why my parents insisted for me to enter medical school was because for money and prestige. No, I did realize but I was being ignorant. And finally I've made them spit it out that yes, money and prestige were the reason. And now I'm stuck in this fucking reason for money and prestige giving up all of my passions.
I've lost mathematics, the very subject I love the most since I was 5th grade student. And it's all because I enter medical school, where mathematics is not needed, neither is important. Now my parents forbid me to participate in any English Debate Competition and Model of United Nations because they don't want to see me skipping my classes for something unrelated to medicine. Fuck you parents!! Fuck you!! Curse you!!
And if you know my parents as well as I know them, you'll find out that talking is useless. They are dictators, even worse than any dictators have ever been in this world. I don't know anything to do else to overcome this but suicide. I know I sound so hopeless and pathetic.
On September, 13th-16th I will have to participate in BIND, an English Debate Competition hosting by Bina Nusantara International University, and I don't tell my parents about this. I somehow know that they will find it out when the day of competition has come. They must be getting so mad about this, but I have no choice. If I tell them, they won't permit me because there will be classes I will have to skip if I participate in the competition, and they don't like it. They, not only will scold at me, but may also stop me from continuing my study because of this and then torture me in home as usual. Yes, it's exactly what my own parents usually do. I call it "usual" because it has ever happened to me when I was in High School.
Just because I'm dependent to them (my parents), they then treat me whatever they like. Why does it always have to be parents are right and children are wrong? It's definitely unfair. Unfair!!!
"My time" will soon elapse, all I want is to live my life to the fullest. When I still have chance to do what I want to do and to achieve what I want to achieve, I don't want to let it go to waste. I am so afraid that at the end of my life I die with full of regrets because I don't live my life best. I just don't want to regret and to be ungrateful for life I've ever lived.
Is it wrong for me to strive and struggle for what I believe right?
Is it wrong for me to choose and decide my own life?
Is it wrong for me to enjoy my life?
Is it wrong for me to dream?
God, if You really do exist, I beg on You to help me with all of Your Might. Please prove and show me Your Justice and Fairness.
And to anyone who read this, that may dislike the way I've thought and said in this post, please dont be judgemental towards me as if you knew and understood how my life was and as if you lived it. It will be so much better if you help me to figure out how to be brave enough to suicide than judge me, just so you know.
As usual, every post is the story of mine that mostly are about my fucking pathetic life.
I think I have to plan for my own death. Not only because I've got forefeeling that "my time" will soon elapse, but also because I can't stand this burden anymore. I'm fed up with everything my parents do and say. I just can't take it anymore. I can't stand when everything is always measured by money and prestige.
I regret that I decided to enter medical school. Not that I dislike the subjects, but because from the very beginning it was only for the purpose of money and prestige. I also hate it to be in medical school because this makes me have to give up all of my passions.
I didn't realize it that actually
the very reason why my parents insisted for me to enter medical school was because for money and prestige. No, I did realize but I was being ignorant. And finally I've made them spit it out that yes, money and prestige were the reason. And now I'm stuck in this fucking reason for money and prestige giving up all of my passions.
I've lost mathematics, the very subject I love the most since I was 5th grade student. And it's all because I enter medical school, where mathematics is not needed, neither is important. Now my parents forbid me to participate in any English Debate Competition and Model of United Nations because they don't want to see me skipping my classes for something unrelated to medicine. Fuck you parents!! Fuck you!! Curse you!!
And if you know my parents as well as I know them, you'll find out that talking is useless. They are dictators, even worse than any dictators have ever been in this world. I don't know anything to do else to overcome this but suicide. I know I sound so hopeless and pathetic.
On September, 13th-16th I will have to participate in BIND, an English Debate Competition hosting by Bina Nusantara International University, and I don't tell my parents about this. I somehow know that they will find it out when the day of competition has come. They must be getting so mad about this, but I have no choice. If I tell them, they won't permit me because there will be classes I will have to skip if I participate in the competition, and they don't like it. They, not only will scold at me, but may also stop me from continuing my study because of this and then torture me in home as usual. Yes, it's exactly what my own parents usually do. I call it "usual" because it has ever happened to me when I was in High School.
Just because I'm dependent to them (my parents), they then treat me whatever they like. Why does it always have to be parents are right and children are wrong? It's definitely unfair. Unfair!!!
"My time" will soon elapse, all I want is to live my life to the fullest. When I still have chance to do what I want to do and to achieve what I want to achieve, I don't want to let it go to waste. I am so afraid that at the end of my life I die with full of regrets because I don't live my life best. I just don't want to regret and to be ungrateful for life I've ever lived.
Is it wrong for me to strive and struggle for what I believe right?
Is it wrong for me to choose and decide my own life?
Is it wrong for me to enjoy my life?
Is it wrong for me to dream?
God, if You really do exist, I beg on You to help me with all of Your Might. Please prove and show me Your Justice and Fairness.
And to anyone who read this, that may dislike the way I've thought and said in this post, please dont be judgemental towards me as if you knew and understood how my life was and as if you lived it. It will be so much better if you help me to figure out how to be brave enough to suicide than judge me, just so you know.
No comments:
Post a Comment